Why Did They Do It

They fixed the wireless router in my house. They fixed the wireless router in my house.

I have the internet on a regular basis now.

Does anyone realize the repercussions of this event?

Well the month of December will no longer be overlooked. Tootles

Church With The Old Folks

So today church was especially exciting because it seems there was an impromptu reunion of former students of the Hanson Place Elementary School. There was one guy, former nemesis (at least in my head), back to bless his baby in his Marine outfit. Along with his wife and 3 other kids, we were told that he was soon to leave for Iraq. I don't know why I was crying for my acquaintance that I was never really cool with, but I was. During the break for Communion, I went down to see him and say hi in person and there were two more former students. One is my boy whio used to sing in choir with me and is now a therapist out in Cali. Another just finished up his degrees in speech pathology. Yet another is working on his masters in engineering. It was so nice to see five black men doing things the right way. I felt a little behind, I won't lie. But I was more proud of the fact that I was still on the same track, and that's something to praise God about.

The Quarter Century

Yeah I'm 25 now.

Don't feel too different.

Don't like changing my age category for registering my iPOd (25 - 33!!!!!!!!!! How do you go from 18 - 24 to 25 - 33?)

Life is good though.

I think I might actually want to grow up.

Maybe The Adrenaline Declaration Was Early

Okay so I'm starting to realize that my manic behavior since I've been home might be tied more to the pavement of New York City. Seriously, each time I step out my apartment building I get a charge. Possibly there is something in the asphalt or cement that connects with my being that makes me feel like I can fly. If only I could take it with me.

My Missing Family

Oh father has always been a bit reticient in encouraging interactions with his families. His upbringing is obviously a sensitive and overlooked issue in his life. His relations with both of his divorced parents is/was strained and he has a strange relationship with his closest sibling, his only full brother. All his younger half siblings also share an interesting type of malaise with life as well. Although the youngest is in his mid-thirties, all five have had few interactions with major romantic relationships and seemingly try to minimize their interactions with my lovable but also overbearing grandfather and his also overbearing wife.

So it came as a surprise when my mom relayed that out of nowhere one of these half-siblings randomly sent my father a text message saying he would help out with my outstanding bill at school after hearing of my plight from my grandfather. It moved me to tears because sometimes you forget that there are people out there that care for you even though its not always apparent. I became upset when my mother continued to tell me my father's reaction, which was to complain that someone was sending a text message when he had no plan for it. I think its more of a pride issue with him. And to some degree I don't want anyone helping me too much. But when you're between a rock and a hard place, you can't complain about how uncomfortable the rock is especially when someone is trying to get you out of there.

Have to love the family though.

I Need To Stop Drinking Adrenaline Rush

I cannot keep still. I dance in the streets. My brain is mush. Everything is constantly moving. Woe is me. But not for long cause I've got Adrenaline Rush

Tony Sinclair

Why are the commercials for spirits often the most entertaining? Man that Lucifer is a smart one.

Niceness Continues

So the staff at Perkins trust me enough in my new position to run shift to actually free me from the confines of my own program and supervise another program's shift. Now usually when my supervisor or his contemporary get the news that they have to sup at the girls' program, they roll their eyes. It's understandable. Each program has its own system of mores and norms and it's like a new learning curve every time you go.

But I chose to be optimistic. First, they trust me enough to do it. Second, I actually like the girls. Every time I've worked there, they've been darlings and whenever I see them like in school or anything, it's a "What's up" and a high five or something. So with some trepidation, I walked myself over there.

Excellent shift. Just straight fun. Singing in the hallways. Activities, routines, and bedtime were seamless. Apology letters written. Girls accepting consequences without flipping out. Utterly fantastic. I mean there were some holds, but nothing I could have done from a supervisory sense. Both girls were freaking out about their upcoming holiday visits and happened to take it out on staff. But they both talked it out and were fine for the rest of the night.

Man I almost feel bad that I never went for their supervisor position since it was open for so long. Then I think I couldn't deal with the feminine issues on a day-in day-out basis. But it was fun while it lasted.

Wait Was I Bragging About Niceness

Okay so the night was not so much fun.

Holds all over the place.

Yes I Am That Nice

So there I am with a trusty vanilla chai in hand at 7 in the morning amongst my boys. The whole ride I was questioning the wisdom of my decision to work 5 doubles (yeah that's right) in a row. Just as I was getting the message that my body needed a break, I subject it to this punishment. But once I hit that floor though...whew...let me tell you....

Magic.

I just hit the ground runnng. First I got a notorious non-morning child up and changed and down for breakfast which pretty much never happens. Then I got another kid his daily toothbrush and even figured out a way to help him keep them from getting lost all the time. Then in the school, I stopped a kid who was identified as helping one of my boys with a personal struggle some weeks before. And throughout the day I was the designated walker for two of the students who I think managed to do a fantastic job considering all the struggling they could have done. Finally I sensed danger at the end of the day and defused a crisis just at a crucial point.

Now I am taking a break in my MacGuyver like day. What will the night bring?

Moving Day

So at the break of dawn I was up today doing all the things I should have done last night when I chose the early night in. First I put everything in garbage bags for easy moving. Sectioned things off for easier distribution. Finally cleaned the place to the best of my ability (sadly, the blood stain is still visible. Glad I did not leave a forwarding address). And as I was playing Jesus music, Banana called to say that she would be there in 10 minutes. Guess I would need to put a shirt on.

So 25 minutes of sweaty stair running & stuffing + 20 minutes of driving + 15 minutes of unpacking to basement + 1 hour excursion to purchase phone & things for Banana + 20 minutes of bag moving and mattress filling + 45 minute grocery shopping trip + 15 minutes unpacking some more = Details is in the building. Now if we can just get the internet working it would be a dream.

Movies Seep Into The Subconscious

I happened to go to Blockbuster on my disappointed Saturday and I picked up Kissing Jessica Stein. Now this movie I discovered some late night on Cinemax and I distinctly remember wanting to see it. The basic plot is that a single girl so fed up with the dating scene randomly decides to go the lesbian route in a chance happening. Cute, funny little movie. Glad it's in my library.

The main point of this post is that there is a point where one of the characters refers to a relationship and says "Let it marinate." The next character even remarks about the novelty of using marinate as a verb and not refer to cooking. Now I use that line all the time. Funny how the chance viewing of a movie so long ago controlled my speech patterns year after its original arrival. Amazing. Simply amazing.

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Sorry it ain't about Jesus this time.

So we got a relatively new staff named Sparrow that I don't get to interact with cause she works on the other side of the week. But today we were talking and it was cool to find out that she lived like two minutes fom my new place so yay another possible ride till I get off my ass and get myself a personal vehicle. Plus it was nice to know that someone else was on the same page in terms of working with the kids.

That's it. Just another introduction to a character in my world.

Hip Hop Brings Even Troubled Children Together

So a couple weeks back I brought some music into work to listen to in the office and left it on the computer so that me and my boy Latte could listen to it as we did supervisory things in the office. One of our boys is a little too familiar with the staff office and I guess he wandered in and heard it. (Thank God it was the clean version). So it was underground hip-hop and he expressed an interest in it. You know I brought him a CD the next day.

So now he goes around saying that the songs are in his head and even saying that underground is so much better than mainstream. Even 12-year olds with issues know that the music is superior. And get this. A kid he was having major issues with heard the CD and was vibing to it and now they're cool.

Hip-hop is so damn powerful people

Update: Those boys are now roommates whereas two weeks ago they couldn't eat dinner together.

Saturday With The Picaresque

As you know, last week our plans for adventure were derailed by an unexpected visitor, but this week Coffee Bean and I headed out to see Bonsi sing and then have our planned meal. Well Bonsi was already out there so me and Coffee Bean headed out there with no rush. We left school later then we had planned and we dawdled at Dunkin Donuts too.

The ride there was fine until we got off the highway and into the streets of Chestnut Hill which is a suburb of Boston. On the ride, we did see a closer Cheesecake Factory then the one we were planning to go to but we ended getting overzealous with the directions and sadly we got lost. We got tense. We dealt with racist people ginving us directions. And I realized that when people are tense I definitely soak it up to an unhealthy level. There were times I just wanted to get out the car and just walk.

Thankfully it was unnecessary and we made it to the concert, somewhere close to the end. It was no big thing. We had just heard it the week before and Bonsi later informed us it was nothing to sneeze at. So off we headed to The Cheesecake Factory and we were actually seated right away. Lovely server named Sean helped us out the whole time. We all had the same cocktail ("The Ritz") which was lovely and wonderful. But even more fulfilling than the food and drink was just the company. Coffee Bean and Bonsi are just fun, you can't explain it any other way.

After we ate, we walked around the adjoining mall and saw particularly curious statues of reindeers that even inspired Bonsi to coin a new tune on the spot ("Homosexual Reindeer" coming to stores next year). We wanted to seee a movie but the driving in that town was just to harrowing so we headed back to school. (It was so harrowing that CB ran a red light and got pulled over but luckily she's a cute girl who made a smart plea and she got off with a warning)

It's kind of sad that I will see them less next semester after I move. I really have fun with them and actually long to hang out with them more. They give me a positive vibe I really don't get anywhere else. I gueess that's why you slow down and take the time to appreciate life before it passes you by.

It's Brick

For some reason Massachusetts seems to think that it's OK to be 51 degrees one day and then drop to 19 on the next one. That's bush. Bush league.

Memory Retention Is A Bitch

It just occurred to me that I had a not so nice dream last night. And one of the central elements of it was something I barely can consciously remember. But it just illustrates how amazing the mind can be at holding onto stuff and how careful one must be with what it ingests.

Like there are certain words that I will hear and I can remember rhymes or other song lyrics that incorporate the word, and sometimes they are songs that I listened to once or long ago in that weird period we like to call high school.

I used to watch a religious kids series named McGee & Me and one of the songs from it captured the thought perfectly: "Put it in your mind, it's gonna stay right there in your heart"

That's real. Something to think about

New Digs

I finally saw my new place tonight. I won't lie. It's kind of small. I'm wondering how I will fit all my stuff.

But I am pleased as punch. It's cozy and sweet. I already love Banana and I know I will love her sister (who I'm sure will develop a nickname soon). Plus it just means I get to shop for new stuff.

But it's nice. I'm not that worried about living with two females the way everybody seems to warn me about. Now I gotta go get to packing

Appreciation

A big problem over the summer when staff morale was especially low was that we weren't getting positive reinforcement that we were doing a good job. In our line of work, it's apparent that many of the luxuries from other lines of work will never be seen. So just the "Hey good job" or the occasional free pizza and soda goes a long way in keeping us from losing our minds. Sadly it didn't happen.

Now that has changed a whole lot with the installation of a new program director and assistant program director. But still the notes of appreciation from people that you don't always work with are even sweeter. And I got two today.

First, one of our boys ran into the receptionist's office and I skillfully got him out with only words and she told me "You're the man." That means a lot because she's worked in the building for a while and has seen her share of staff-client interactions so that's on point. Then I had to go to school to pick up a kid from our version of detention which is served in the cafeteria. So I got there a little early and the Director for Education actually asked me to escort a girl to a solution area even though her program staff was there. Plus she called me by name which I didn't think she knew. So that was even better because somewhere or somehow she saw me in action or heard about me and that made enough of an impression on her to trust me to take a potentially violent girl to the solution area. Weird way to compliment but hey I'll take it.

I'll be on a high all day.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Last night during my self-imposed solitude I got a text and a voice mail from Wolf Fighter. I did not respond to either cause that would have signified a reach out to the outside world and it was probably work related and seeing that I would have to be there for 14.5 hours today I wanted to be free of thinking of the boys.

If only I had answered.

So we come into work with the news that one entire wing of the house shouldn't be doing anything because it was chaotic the night before. Seems a boy tore out half of his wall and broke through to the other side. But all we had was an e-mail saying that they shouldn't be doing anything. And Wolf Fighter told me that the supervisor and one of her staff were planning on coming in to make sure that they didn't do anything.

Umm let me check. Are you working today? No. Did you leave a detailed message saying what privileges you hoped would be revoked? No. So damn it me and Latte gonna do what we gotta do according to the information that's presented to us. And honestly it was a fantastic day. The boys all took their consequences without resistance. I watched a complete football game and an entertaining episode of Drake & Josh.

Now wall-ripper returns from the Crisis Unit and breaks down the night. Seems that another boy threw a phone at another staff and punched her. Now this is the first I'm hearing of it but it's at 9:30 at night. The kid did the consequence we thought he deserved but then he was playing. if we had known he threw a phone he would have been doing jack all day. Now obviously it looks like we let kids get away with murder when that occurs, but then how can we do anything else when we have no details about what transpired.

Please don't say I don't get my shit done when it is in fact you being unable to handle your shit that makes it look like I can't handle my responsibilities. Join a sorority and step your game up or just shut the fuck up.

So Much

I am sitting on a wealth of emotions right now. I'm tempted to be sad but I keep fighting it cause deep down I know that I am not that.

So yesterday I had my breakthrough and a wonderful positive outlook. Today I even decided to go to church even though Coffee Bean's boyfriend made a surprise visit. And I had to stay clear of them and such. Then me and Bonsi had a planned arrangement to go eat in Boston but that fell through cause he had to ride with his choir director to his rehearsal instead of taking his car.

So I think I am most sad about that. It seems as though Bonsi and I have the potential to have a meaningful friendship that does not include Coffee Bean, as it always has, and not because I happen to be dating his cousin. Often I have noticed that Bonsi and I have very similar thought patterns and even tastes in clothes. I think I was really looking forward to forging ahead with that. I'm sure the Lord will present more opportunities if it should happen. I'm not sweating it at all.

But maybe the Lord is just giving me this stuff to force myself to have some alone time. Some time to just be. To just be.

Currently Mozart's Requiem is playing in my ears (Why did it take me so long to get an iPod?) and I find it amazingly fulfilling. I'm glad I don't need to go to my secular hip-hop in order to enjoy myself. I worried myself for a while. I don't even feel the need to hear it. Usually in cases like this I have a cutoff point in my head when my jams will return. Not now. I kind of am mad I didn't think to put more classical music on here. Not really feeling my gospel either. Just a little too fast for me right now.

My body I think just needs to slow down. The last month has just been a constant blur of activity. I work for extended periods of time and then I go hang out till all hours of the morning. I barely had time to do laundry and such. My mailbox is up to 250 new messages. But God is sending me a message to slow down and I'm finally accepting it.

Luna sent me the most darling pictures. I wanted to cry when I saw them. Something is seriously happening there. I feel something inside of me that I have never felt before. It's not the strongest feelings I have ever felt, yet, but so far they seem like the most secure and pure and joyous. They are devoid of many of the obstacles that frayed my earlier emotions with my previous dalliances. For once, my biggest insecurity is something that is beyond our control and that is the distance. But soon that will dissipate somewhat. In the past, there was always other stuff that held me back that was either my doing or the other party's or usually both. Not so with this one. The Lord has truly blessed me with a truly awesome woman who hasn't even reached her potential. It's sweet and nice and wonderful. I want to tell her those three words so badly, but I think that's just my brain's need to love more than real emotions. I still believe the day will come, but like I said earlier I just need to let it marinate and enjoy the journey. Rushing is what has always got me in trouble. This is too special to rush. But I don't want to go too slow either.

Already I feel better. Agnus Dei is playing. Maybe it all works together that we are putting my sadness to rest. Sweet requiem

Thank God I Can't Write Blogs When I Want

Oh today. Cloudy outside. I just woke up blah even before I realized it was cloudy. My head was just not itself. It even rejected hip-hop. I just threw on some Halleglory playlist and sorted through ever more laundry in preparation for my upcoming move.

The laundry I was sorting was stuff that was in the apartment after the fire, so I was bombarded with smoke smells as I ripped open each bag. I kept knocking over my law school recruitment correspondence which contributed to my mood because it made me remember how much I had to do.

Somehow in the midst of being so maudlin I probably accomplished the most I have in a really long while. First up I was actually up before 9. I actually did laundry. And I actually followed through on a thought to go see a professor I've been meaning to see for two months even when she was excessively busy. I didn't run away.

And you know what? The Lord had to be guiding me the whole time. I don't know why he put it in my heart to make sure I saw her. But I just laid out everything. It was an explosion. And beautifully she offered the reassurance I needed and not what I didn't. I am so grateful for her existence and her interest and just continual bothering of me. I'm sad I never took advantage of it before and have taken it for granted for this long. No more. I gotta step my game up.

Sadly in the interim, I was rude to Luna. I really regret that. I always never liked that about myself. I think I like being by myself so much cause I hate to think that my emotions can influence the emotions of others and I don't want the responsibility of being responsible. Such is life.

Today is my last shift of overtime for some time. I promise.

Breaking Point

It happened as I held the door to a cool down as one of the cutest little boys screamed about how homesick he is and how badly he wants to leave the program. I didn't cry, but my optic nerve started to feel the pressure that accompanies tears. I just had to put my head down. I couldn't talk any more.

It makes sense that it happened on the last day of the month. There were only 5 days in November that I did not staff those children. And I think the Lord changed the shift pick up policy to just stop me from working. And I graciously accept it.

It's time. I'm burning myself up. And today I really started to realize how deep these law school applications are. Plus I need to get myself set up to move. And my spiritual life is in shambles. I have to slow down. I drowned myself in their problems and created another one for myself.

All is not lost though. Life will continue. I will succeed.

That is all

The Fall Out Continues

So this one kid at work has like at least one weekly overblown dramatic episode usually over the most menial of things (i.e. cleaning his room). Tonight I guess was the scheduled date for the blowout. So the ungrateful kid goes on a trip to dinner out and to watch a movie. They get back around 8:45 and around 9:30 he's having his episode because he didn't want his light turned off.

Now most nights at 9:30 he's already down for the count. Now he's having a freaking issue cause we're turning out the light that would have been out already? And worst of all he's taking his voice to insane levels as the rest of his hall sleeps. As his roommate is trying to sleep.

So I really let him have it cause I really just wanted him to be quiet and realize what the hell needs to happen. Honestly kid, you can't want to kill yourself cause your light has to be turned off. You got other issues that you're projecting onto this one.

I felt bad about it and apologized for my change in tone but the sentiment remained. I still need to stop working so much though

Evil Ones

So there's this lady at work who has been working at the school for like 9 years or something. Now she's a night awake at our house meaning that she works the overnight shift. I must say that she's really uber-punctual, actually early on most nights. She has screamed at some of us for being late on Sunday morning, but for some reason I've staved off lecturing so far. So I thought we were cool.

Now lesson for all those who work with kids, psychotic or not: you never know when they're listening. So low and behold one of my boys informs me that she doesn't think me and Latte can run a good shift. Like we let kids get away with anything. Another boy pipes in and reiterates the accuracy of the information.

What the fuck?!?!

Not to mention this woman just screams on kids. Granted she got bit so bad that her arm turned a bit black and blue. But honestly if you can't leave your anger at the door when you come to work with boys who are already damaged, then please turn around and go in. And she doesn't think I run a good shift. Yeah maybe that's why we barely have holds or timeouts. But that stuff must not count. It's all about how much control you can exhibit over the kids.

Whatever. She's on the S-List now.

I Know I Use Superlatives A Lot

But this had to be one of the best days ever. (You know I started to think about it. Maybe I should just categorize my days in some sort of hierarchy. Cause they can't all be the best day ever. And it seems that some days are all equally fantastic that it would be difficult to rank.)

First Luna came and we gallivanted around the city. Took her to Brooklyn, ate some Indian. Showed her Chinatown and Soho. Dessert in the West Village. And she left me again. For another month. But the 6 hours was splendid and the rest is between me and her so boo to you.

Then I bought an iPod. Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just ambled about Penn Station and then Nitro came through and we went to the opera to see Il Barbiere di Siviglia (The Barber of Seville) over at the Met. I felt bad cause I looked shabby but then I got there and saw much more shabby patrons. Me and Nitro played the Melanin Game (How many minorities are at this elite cultural event? Asians do not count because they skew the numbers. Final count was like 6). Oh yeah the opera was pretty darn good. The tenor had a great voice but me and Nitro agreed he was too short. The barber was excellent. Man everyone was excellent.

And I even had a great voice mail from the one and only Socrates and that made me smile. Now a most fantastic slumber awaits before I head to my young rapscallions tomorrow.

What To Be Thankful For

I was just on the hall looking at the boys I have remaining and thinking about how thankful I am that they are behaving. And I'm also thankful I am working with staff I get along with that can actually relax and laugh. I'm thankful I have a job that I like. Thankful for a job that leads me to meet cool people who also hook me up with things like a house and invitations to thanksgiving dinner. I'm thankful for music. I'm thankful for Columbia Law School sending me a fee waiver and seemingly actively recruiting me. I'm thankful for all the relationships I have, which I never expect too much from but somehow deliver more than I could ever imagine. I'm thankful for the ability to take a plunge. I'm thankful for the ability to suck it up.

God's mercies are infinite so I guess I am most thankful for him. He provided it all.

Random Question

If you had a band named after a food, what would their name be and what type of music would they perform?

Responses so far:

Luna: Band Name - Cobbler
Music - Tin Pan Alley style jazz
Members - Female vocalist, male vocalist, bassist, trumpeter, drummer, pianist

Coffee Bean: Band Name - Combusticated Lemons
Music - Rock
Members - Guitarist, Vocalist, Drummer, Bassist

Bonsi: Band Name - Cornbread
Music - Louis Armstrong jazz


Myself: Band Name - Baked Ziti
Music - Jam Band/Progressive Rock
Members - Keyboardist, Drummer/Vocalist, Guitarist/Vocalist, Lead Guitarist, Bass Guitarist
First Album: Appliances Can Be Furniture Too

Back To Back Goodness

It's been such a long week. I really didn't know what to expect for the weekend. I just wanted a break. But the Lord has bigger plans and who am I to deny Him?

So Sabbath started off well. Went to church with Coffee Bean and Bonsi. Bonsi cooked excellently as he always does and then I went off to take my nap. But before that a walk, which was interrupted by my friend from work. So two hours later, after standing in the cold and talking to her, also interrupted by Bassline in his whip, I finally went inside for a nap. But then I had a convo with Luna. And then I went out to eat with Bassline. Then we went to a concert which had the music majors in competition. So that was hilarious. Then Bonsi came and joined and he made fun of them too cause he is a music major. Then afterwards, our Bond movie expedition fell through but Coffee Bean, Bonsi, and I went back to his place and had good times watching Nacho Libre. Fun filled relaxed Saturday so I must have had to pay for it today right.

Wrong. Honestly one of the best Sundays I have ever worked and the house was relatively full for most of it. The kids were polite. We only had to use the solution area twice and for no more than 5 minutes. Had fun with the co-workers. It was just a general party all around. I even continued my streak of getting gifts from children after their visits (today's prizes: Sobe Adrenaline Rush and a chocolate letter).

Now I dread the back to back double cause I have to be up for CPR training at 8:45 am. Oh well after such a great weekend I can suck it up.

Spoiled

It's a word I hear enough being an only child. And I never thought I was that spoiled. But it's all starting to make sense. I am spoiled. And sheltered. Just being in a Wal-Mart last night helped me figure that out.

How you say? Because they had a sweet 32" LCD HDTV for $700 and I already had it in my heart to get it. Like I was entitled to it. Now luckily I'm not that spoiled to expect someone to hand it to me. In my mind, I was hoping that labor and the holiday season would be good to me. But still, why do I just expect some things?

I don't work enough. I don't feel like I've paid enough dues. Like I'm skating through life. Let's just break the damn ice already

I'm Golden

Yeah so I just saw my former/would-be choir director. And I went to practice one week and then missed the next two but he said that he still wants me in the men's group. And they don't practice till next semester. Cha-ching.

Ad Nauseam

My current sleep DVD is the first season of Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist, which was a show on Comedy Central in the mid-90s. Anyhoo, as I was watching and now listening to the commentary, I realize how much I hate ads. There was a point where they were clever and entertaining, but their pervasiveness into American culture is annoying.

Even on this show which I'm not sure many people watched, they were asked to do product placement. Can their just be entertainment to entertain? Why can't the person be drinking a soda and not have to be a Coke? Capitalism is a necessary evil but it doesn't have to be this bloody annoying.

Shift Change

I think I realized why I like work so much. For a certain amount of hours every day, I don't have to think about myself. There's just no time with kids that need so much attention. It also helps that I'm good at my job and I also like people I work with.

As crappy as I have felt today, by the end of shift I had a brighter outlook. And just like I said when I started to feel like shit, God will come through. It might not be on the timetable I would prefer, but it's gonna happen.

I need to go to church this weekend

So Ready

to move the fuck on with life.


Lord give me strength and determination.

Blah

I feel as though I have hit a rut. Not debilitating just yet. Well maybe it isn't a rut. I generally feel happy and optimistic but I also feel listless and not like doing anything. This is especially problematic considering I need to get these law school applications done. Such is life. I'll sip a Rockstar and see what happens.

Bored I Guess

I am running shift again. Latte called out so here I am running the show.

I want to blog but then I guess I really don't have much to talk about.

I like running the show so to speak. It gets hectic at times and I hate being the bad guy at times, but then the kids need it. There really was a boy who threw salad and a plate at one kid and hit and kicked another one today who really thought he was going to be able to watch TV tonight. The fact that he thought it would happen just shows me how much we've slipped. The idea that you could assault someone and have fun 7 hours later is so jacked up. The iron curtain shall fall.

I went to pick up my mail the other day. And the law schools have started to recruit in earnest. It's promising for me, especially since every once in a while I get mail from a school I was actually considering. When they put in a fee waiver it's even better. But I wonder how eager they will be once they see my scatter shot history. God will provide.

Anyway, crisis ensues around me. I must go.

Yeah I Am That Ninja

(I would have used a certain racial slur in place of "Ninja" in the title but I like to keep the blogs as clean as possible. Dig?)

So I picked up a shift at work because I am Superman and I am that nasty. But when you pick up, you get to dictate your hours, so like usual I put down that I would leave at 8. Kids asleep, do a couple of chores, and be out.

Yeah not how it worked out. I was in the solution area (think detention in your house) from 4 - 10. That's right kids, I didn't leave till 10. Why? Well honestly in residential, it's basically a crapshoot. And today the shit hit the fan. (So much for cleanliness in speech)

Long story short, kids were just being assholes to kids all day. Their psychoses all seem to be acting up a lot lately and they all just bunched together for one huge issue that happened right at bedtime. But Superman that I am, I still had meaningful discussions with like four of the kids who had issues and I feel it was positive so no worries. And even though all that stuff was going on, I didn't lose my cool which has been happening a little more frequently than I'd like to.

Plus I'm going back tomorrow. They ain't found kryptonite for me yet and I doubt they will be able to locate it.

Bite That Tongue

It just occurred to me how often I have to bite my tongue in the air of being tactful and respectful. Case in point, yesterday we had a staff meeting with our Chief Operating Officer and her direct underling going over where our program is after we were in crisis mode over the summer. Finally she actually called on me by name since I was abnormally quiet and the question was over staff morale. I basically made a witty joke about living there so obviously morale is better.

But I was just thinking that I probably wanted to say "Yeah morale must be better because I don't wake up everyday dreading the fact that I have to go to work. And when I get there I don't immediately begin to count down the minutes until I leave. So yeah the fact that I don't have a regular urge to pull out my hair must mean that morale has improved."

See isn't it better when we don't say the first thing that comes to our heads?

Class dismissed

Distressing News

So on a return from a run to Barnes & Noble with Coffee Bean she dramatically turns down the radio and announces that my Gay Catholic Friend supposedly would like to do things to me that many right wing voters would consider distasteful. Frankly the thought abhors me myself. But he has been honestly telling people that he would like to do stuff with me and man that is so not cool on a myriad of levels.

Disclaimer from the start: I love gay people. I honestly support their mission and right to function unhindered like any other person. My only thing is that I know that ain't my choice so please don't try to convince me otherwise. While I display certain traits, mainly my love of things cultural, that seem to make people initially curious as to whether I am gay or not, the fact is I wholeheartedly am not. There will never be a man on earth that attracts me as much as the finely toned calf of a woman wearing some bad-ass heels. I personally think the male body is quite repulsive while the female's is one of the primary pieces I offer as evidence of God's existence.

Coffee Bean pointed out that I am a whore for attention and I guess this is the karmic consequence for being too friendly. So now I go about the weird business of removing him from my MySpace top friends and just generally keeping a low cover. Such is life.

Ummmm

I feel like dancing. A LOT.

Lately.

This ends our broadcast

Live From The Manor

So today I woke up late for work. But luckily I am on very good terms with the night awake lead that precedes me so that was cool. And I am running shift.

But it's going so great. One problem child has been asleep. There are multiple visits happening out the woodwork. Oh it's fantastic. I'm listening to the Roots on Radio VH1.

It's a great day (except it's extra chilly in Michigan). Enjoy children enjoy.

Another Reason To Stay Healthy

So watching the tube, I hear this black guy start talking about his hypertension. Then a white guy is talking about his diabetes. And I start wondering what a white guy and a black guy with two different conditions have in common. Has there been some pharmaceutical created that eradicates two very real threats in my family medical history?

Sadly no. Seems both conditions can lead to erectile dysfunction. Great so not only am I predisposed to these conditions but they might affect my ability to be the casanova I was destined to be. Is there any hope?

Now I really have to start taking care of myself, like the three week phlegm hasn't been enough of a warning.

The Fraternity

My father used to comment about the people who stood in front of buildings in the winter on their smoke breaks. It always confounded him as to why these people willingly left warmth to do something that brought mostly harm to themselves. As I grew up I nodded in agreement. And once I made my own forays into nicotine, I so wanted to explain just how badly you need that hit sometimes. Blizzards are nothing when you need that charge going through your synapses.

And everyone that smokes feels the pain and there's a sense of brotherhood about it. Smokers might be the most unselfish group of people ever. Because as a smoker, one knows that if they see someone with a pack, if they ask politely, you'll probably get one if you're out and also a light to go with it. That smoking fraternity dwindles with every year, but somehow the bond seems to get stronger.

In the city, I have a longing for that fraternity. I won't lie. There is something romantic in the idea of people just smoking and walking or doing whatever. Maybe I've been bamboozled by all that clever marketing the tobacco companies seem to have a knack at. But wouldn't being part of a group with members everywhere be really appealing? People might reply that there is a Jesus group, but it's not the same because people in that group are so diversified. With smokers it's simple. No pretenses. No politics. Oh well. Maybe I'll start my own

Are You Crying?

My eyes react to the slightest of breezes. If the breeze is sustained and at a velocity anywhere above normal, my eyes start to tear. When it's real wind, forget it. I can't get 7 steps without tears streaming down my face. And always the queries from the people that see me upon arriving at my destination. "Are you crying?"

I started to theorize that maybe they are all the tears that I should have cried in the past. I've never been a crier. A thrower. A swearer. A slammer of doors. But never tears. Even when they do come out, they are in small trickles, barely noticeable. Most times, when I am in an emotional state that many would cry in, my eyes get wet. But they have developed an amazing ability not to let those tears fall and somehow they recede into me again.

But that's why I think the wind brings them out. The human body can only hold so much. And whatever I've been putting it through, the wind helps bring out the tears I should have cried so many times. Like today, when I found out the past is something you can only ignore for so long. Eventually the things you did or didn't do can catch up to you until you deal with them.

So as I walk the streets of New York City, marveling at an industrious set of people who laid down cobblestone streets over a century ago, tears fall down my face. I'm not sure if I'm crying or not and I personally don't want to know. But I'll let the wind bring whatever it is out of me, and take it away to some other corner of the world where people can do something with it.

Back To The Barbershop

A regular ritual of mine upon returning to the city is to head to the barbershop and get a cut. Something about that early morning trip is very liberating. The air is crisp. I feel as if I am amongst real people.

The barbershop presents a weird dichotomy. At once, I am proud of the talent, dedication, and struggle exhibited by the many characters that populate it throughout the day. But sometimes when I listen to their discussion, I get depressed about the cycle that continues to perpetuate in the Black community. Even as my personal hair artisan was joking about another customer's prowess on the handball courts, the discussion quickly turned to a listing of the places that they used to buy marijuana in their younger days. What can you do, especially when you're laughing along with them?

It's still nice though. I'm thankful for the time I go there and also thankful that it is so short. It's easy to fall in love with their tales of debauchery and hustle and also easy to see why so many never make it out of their basement adjacent dwellings. Love/hate has never been so dramatically illustrated

Responsibility

Today I ran my first shift since I got my official promotion on Sunday.

I was a tad short of breath as I walked into work today. Some knots were threatening to do damage in my stomach. But I sat there during staff meeting and I was so relaxed I almost fell asleep to the video we were watching.

And from that point on, it was smooth sailing. There were a couple of missteps and oversights but that was just first time jitters I guess. Things went pretty well considering. Only had 1 hold and 5 cool downs and totally quiet after 6 p.m. which is saying something. I know it wasn't me. I luckily had the good fortune of working with very good staff that don't need to be told what to do all the time and take care of their ness. But it was a charge all the same.

And I really liked it. I like being in charge. I guess I've always noticed that I like being influential and being in control, but I've always shied away from the real big kahuna spot. But it was really fun and I wonder why I never tried it before. Maybe I shouldn't be so scared of this real world.

Wonderful

....is He

Funny that right after my mean reds hit me, I found that my favorite kid ever who sadly left my program is doing so fantastic. He's talking to his mom, who actually got all her kids back. And his dad is a pastor somewhere.

It's so great to hear that he's doing so well. Makes me a little glad that I had a bit part to play in him headed in the right direction

The Mean Reds

One of my favorite movies is "Breakfast at Tiffany's". At one point, the lead character explains her sadness by calling them "The Mean Reds." Not the "blues" because those come about because of cloudy days and pass over rather quickly. Mean Reds are more blistering and last longer.

And I fear I am in the middle of the mean reds. In my research for law school applications, I found it daunting how behind I am in the whole process of things. Furthermore, due to the transparency of applications, I have all the missteps of my past to explain, steps I am none to proud of. And it makes me sad because I know I am capable of some awesome things but might be held back because of stupidness I let transpire, results of actions I knew better than to undertake.

It's all too much sometimes. I went to chapel today. But I couldn't focus. I know that I should Let Go and Let God but I have a bad history of letting go and not holding up my end of the bargain and I'm so tired of doing that. Oh I want to run away where I can start over and no one can expect anything of me. I wish I didn't expect so much of myself sometimes. I wish I could just breathe.

Breathe

Breathe

Breathe

Affection

How do we as humans determine affection? It is present from our nascent selves. Babies don't develop as well when they don't get consistent human contact. But how does it become a natural emotional component?

How do we fall in love with some people and not with others? Why do the fortunes of 25 individuals swinging bats and diving for catches cause my heart to race? And why does this affection affect us so? Why can't we live without its presence? Why do we deal with all the pain and heartache? Is the pay off really that great? Is it imprinted in our DNA?

I don't know. I wish I could understand. But I guess some mysteries are destined to remain enigmatic

Moving Day

You know Brother From Another Mother disappeared on me. Or maybe I disappeared from him. Probably a mutual disappearance. He called me a couple weeks ago and left a message. He even saw me on my way to work, but I declined the ride cause I needed the walk to wake up after a long night.

So two nights ago he called me while at work and left a message about needing people to help him move. Sadly I missed the first date cause I got the message late. Lo and behold he called me again to ask if I would help him today. And that's where I just came from.

What to say? What to say? I'm happy to see him growing up. Not that I didn't think he could. It's just that BFAM and I developed a bond over being kind of the same. Gifted, talented, young brothers stuck in the muck and mire of insouciance waiting for the moment where everything coalesced and potential was realized. And thank God that he's pulling out of it, or that he may be out of it. He's married. They're both employed. And they're expecting a little one.

I have such hope now. Because if he did it, I know I can. We both employ a lot of the same logic. The same confusion. But he did it. I know I can too.

Flat Tires & Intuition

I was going to turn in early. I really was.

But damn that text messaging. Damn that Bassline.

"Do you have running shoes on?"
"Presumably I could put them on"
"Cool. I'll be outside in 2"

Even though Bassline and I have been friends for a short period, we are good friends because we speak the same language. Finally once we were on the interstate he told me what we were doing, which was basically escorting his girl/friend back to her parents' house to make sure she got in safe. Rather sweet I guess.

Along the way we busted a tire, and we had to drive her car all the way there after we found some garage in another small town and left his whip there. But it was an unexpected blessing. We chatted. We laughed. I was my usual charming self, inspired by a completely new audience. And then we watched CNN and ate pizza. And I thought me and Bassline are gonna be friends for a really long time. Our ride back only confirmed this sentiment. Between me finishing thoughts he had not yet imagined to him perfectly pointing out my increasing devotion to a certain someone, I felt a bond that I know only God could craft and deliver. Especially considering how many times our paths have crossed, or could have, only to make it happen at this exact time.

Let's just say that on the day of my betrothal, Bassline will be right behind me, order to be determined.

Deuteronomy 11:18

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads."

Luna pointed this verse out to me as possible evidence of an endorsement of jewelry. Personally I've never had a problem with jewelry the way that Adventism seems to. But I wouldn't exactly be rushing my daughters into it either. This verse though does spark some serious thought. If we wear symbolic jewelry does that make it completely okay? And if it does, when do we stop? Are there certain passages we should put over other ones?

The possibilities boggle the mind. I don't think God intended for us to think this much

Rediscovery

Three's Company is great. Especially now that I understand all the sexual innuendo as an adult. Though Ritter's physical comedy is still pretty darn phenomenal. Marathons are also great. This is like the 5th episode in a row.

Man That's Just Messed Up

So turns out there was a minor fracas at my school that procured the arrival of four police cars and the fire department to our miniature campus. My boy/supervisor Latte texted me about the commotion only to call front desk and find that a stabbing had occurred on our miniature campus. Probably over some stupidness as most violence turns out to be. But I am shaking and sure glad that I am in New York right now

Airports

I love the city of New York. I think it offers some of the best things that the world has to offer. But begrudgingly I do admit one serious downfall to our arsenal: Our airports suck.

Yes our metropolitan area is so large that we need not 1 or 2 major airports but 3, not to mention all the mid-majors we have operating. But in my travels, I have noticed that our airport game is not up to snuff. While other airports have fancy trams and immaculate shopping areas, ours just looks slapped together and traveling is a hassle. I mean we still use buses to get between terminals. Kudos to all the visitors to the city who overlook the obstacles of our airports and still venture in to enjoy all we have to offer. If they wanted to get back on a plane and fly home after being in our airport, I would totally understand

People Are So Rebellious

Okay you know when you're in the plane and they start telling you to turn off all your electronic equipment so everybody in the plane doesn't die. Yeah I personally am a fan of the rule. Hard core.

So why was the guy next to me playing on his Blackberry until the flight attendant actually had to pause, ask him to stop, and make sure he did it? Like was whatever you were doing that important to hold up the damn flight? Seriously

What happened to this country? About 10 years ago, cell phones were a novelty. Now they're ubiquitous to regular life. I won't lie. I carry mine around all the time, sometimes to the displeasure of the people I am with (i.e. Coffee Bean). But I know when enough is enough. And I wouldn't die if I didn't have it.

Why are we so preoccupied with time? And if we have all these tools to make the most out of it, why do we seem to be enjoying it less?

I heard a great sermon on Sabbath about how important that day of rest is. Sad people don't really get to enjoy time any more

Sugar Crisp

Okay so me and Luna went to one of her friend's birthday dinner (quite late) and randomly this black waiter comes up and asks our table if he looks like the character from Sugar Crisp cereal.

Umm excuse me sir? What? Oh you misplaced the crazy at our table. Oh it's no problem.

Wow way to jack up your tip by scaring the jolly college students.

Is The World This Small?

So here I am in the banal stretches of wasteland that is Michigan, thinking I know no one but Luna and my dear friend Miss Lady. But as soon as I walk into this worship service, I see one of my old associates in school. She introduces me to her fiance who actually was a housemate of my godbrother when they went to college in Alabama. Then I saw another associate from school who had moved up north to this institution and then she introduced me to her 2-year old daughter.

If you can tell, the unexpected encounters did not cease. By the end I had seen people from church, acquaintances of acquaintances, and old family friends and their too-grown-up children. It amazes me how small the world is. And how much everyone is changing. It's kind of comforting though knowing that no corner of the earth has not been touched by someone that you know.

I Am Typing With One Hand

Was the other one maimed in some freak accident? Did one of my kids bite through one to the point where it has been rendered dysfunctional? Nah. It's just wrapped around Luna. At some point I'll have to let her go, but not yet. This is too comfortable.

I was in 65 degree weather when I woke up. I now inhabit a place that is 31 and presents a slight dusting of snow. But I feel warmer than I felt this morning when I unfurled myself sweaty from too many blankets. And yes she is that special.

Her hair is not frizzy today. It must be cooperating due to my presence. Smart hair.

She is even better in person, and I wonder why I was nervous in the first place. My body knew what it was doing when it took all the steps to make it here and not turn around. Now I have barbecue in my belly, chai charging my chakras, and Luna lifting my spirits. You might not see me here for a while. Know that I am happy in my absence. Now let me use the other hand to hug her properly.

Priorities

If you read the previous post, you would think that I would be asleep right now. After such a long day, what better respite to take then sleep. I should be asleep right now that much is true. I only slept for like 3.5 hours before my double yesterday and I really only did like 6 or 7 before my outing today. So yes I should be asleep. Instead, I speak online and read nonsense. What is up with my priorities?

On Sabbath, in a conversation with Drizzle, she made the comment that she never understood why I gave myself so many decisions. She said I should just pick one and let things fall where they may. And it's true I've always had problems making decisions. And prioritizing. Helping Coffee Bean with her project Sunday night reminded me of this. Coffee Bean's major is nursing and still I was understanding the work from my time working in a hospital and also just cause I was pre-med. And good at it. Then I made some of her tables and it reminded me of the graphic design skill. Then there's writing and I'm not too bad at that either sometimes. At least Luna thinks it's good. And so do a couple of others.

I guess I have always been worried about making the wrong decision. And planning out my time I guess is instrumental. Something else I need to work on and soon because life is evolving and just requires some efficiency around now

Hair Pull

I guess that there is balance in everything. Yesterday joined the pantheon of doubles in my history of working them. And today was honestly so frustrating, I guess because I was so cocky about yesterday.

We have a lot of new staff on my side of the week, and they're all good. Sometimes, they do things that are annoying as all hell. It's hard because I've been there for a while so things that seem natural just aren't yet. And I know I just have to slow down and teach them and all that jazz. But in the midst of it, all that logical thinking is not exactly transpiring. Me and my supervisor Latte were so frustrated. It didn't help that the kids were all being pretty annoying all at the same time. It's one thing when it's one or two, but when they all are sniping at weird tones and simultaneously, the eyes get all big and googly.

It wasn't such a bad day. Like pretty minimal on holds and issues. But 10 o'clock was so deserved today

Best. Sunday. Ever.

I started the day in the Crisis Unit and my charge behaved excellently.

On my walk back I discovered unseasonable warmth and I spoke with Luna.

When I returned I discovered every child more than adequately staffed.

I watched 4 hours of football and my kids didn't have issues.

No holds, no cool downs, no intervention area.

Yeah. Best. Sunday. Ever.

Front end is sooooooooooooo nice.

Thinking Is Wonderful

So I returned to work today to find that I would be heading to the Crisis Unit to sit with one of our boys. The pro in this is that I don't have to worry about waking kids up or getting them to go to breakfast and I get waited on by the lovely staff of another program cause basically I cannot leave my charge. The con is that there is absolutely nothing to do there. The place is stripped bare so as not to entertain any child that is there. The night awakes bring their usual entertainment devices cause they were expecting to need to be entertained. We poor day staff are screwed.

But this time around it was a blessing. There are a couple of magazines and this time there was a copy of "The Atlantic" and it was relatively recent. Thinking that, I would need to stretch out its life, I didn't just skim through it but rather I read every article I touched word for word. And it was so fantastic. I forgot how great it is to think. And it aroused my love of politics and all the issues and minutiae that determine the course of human events. I was seriously tired but as I read it was like my brain was taking a stretch. And it was oh so good.

Cruising With Bassline

So this ninja Bassline bloody disappeared on me the last couple of weeks. I was calling with no return. Then dude goes to Florida to attend a funeral for a week. But you know the true depth of friendships when you see how you interact after an extended absence. And me and Bassline just flow. Which makes this friendship one of the few ones with guys that will be worthwhile to keep.

So he called me Thursday to see how my test went and I found out he was coming to do some business in New York and was returning on Saturday. Naturally I invited myself on the ride to save cash.

And off we went. And awesome it was. Except for the crappy traffic conditions, it was a great time. Caught up on our relationships and just bonded over the general fact that our life's outlook is so similar. (Very important quotes in the CMU catalog: 1) "I am a cipher wrapped in an enigma smothered in secret sauce" - Jimmy James of Newsradio and 2) "I want a girl when I want a girl but when I don't want a girl I want a girl who understands that")

Plus we had great music. Music is so integral to road trips I really don't know how people do without it.

Coupled with my experience with Nitro the other night, friendships are really coming through for me. I always rested upon the fact that as an only child I can keep myself occupied, but I'm realizing more and more how much true interaction with like minded people is for me. I really enjoy and cherish those moments.

Yo

I'm having like 5 simultaneous conversations online right now.

Only one thing is irking me and has always irked me. The incessant use of "lol" by one of the conversants. You do not need to punctuate every statement with something other than a period. You're not laughing. Certainly not out loud. It's indicative from the preceding statement. You're not fooling anyone. Just stop.

Me and Hixican Jew just started typing "ha" when we got annoyed back at Yale.

Stop typing LOL. It might be a new blog

Nitro Noshing

Being home this week put me online a whole lot more, which meant that I talked to people I sometimes wouldn't. One of those people is my girl Nitro, who has been my friend ever since I was dating her then-suitemate Drizzle. Since she's graduated, we've had a mini-tradition meeting up in the city we love and adoring the heck out of it, usually with dinner and sometimes a show.

Some of our adventures are so crazy that we have names for them like "The Two Pen Brunch" (the meal was so unexpectedly exorbitantly priced that Nitro took the two pens that came to sign the bill) and "The Invisible Meal" (lesson: French gourmet is delicious but the portions are quite tiny). And we have a bunch of inside jokes that's developed from them too ("Oh gelatin" or "carbonated molasses"). We have a ball talking about everything from relationships, why people are stupid, my planned senate run, the NFL; you name it and we can probably talk about it.

So for our 14th of these (we counted over dinner), we went to a French restaurant that specializes in cheese preparation, Artisanal. I was skeptical at first. Just cheese? But Nitro is pretty bourgeois and reliable when it comes to food choices so I trusted her and off we went. Wow who knew cheese could be so good? This fondue we had was crazy. They even put some cheese next to the chicken I ordered and that was good too.

Plus the conversation was better. We talked about my upcoming Luna trip and my excitement, Terrell Owens, law futures, and just a whole bunch of random stuff that is important and unimportant at the same time. But I like our little outings. Makes me glad to have a friend like that. Cinnamon wafers for all

What A Day

I've gone from cranky to frustrated to playful to hyper to appreciatively happy.

Oh it's been interesting. But in the end I'm thankful to the Lord for bringing me this far and making me appreciate his love and patience even more. And also for the gift of music.

I've also learned that friendships can be hard at times. I forgot that. I've had a period of happy-go-lucky for a while now and this morning (or rather this whole week) with Coffee Bean was troubling. But friendships are also about respect and adjustment, realizing that the friendship can't always be what one wants. I've accepted it. We move on.

For some reason I sat down and I planned to write more but I think I summed it all up with that.

Couple Things

Superstitions: Yeah the Mets won and very convincingly if I might say so myself.

But as my rebirth into insane fan continues, I've noticed some superstitions. I had to put the Mets visor back on like I did last night. I took a sip from my drink during the break between half innings. I kept blowing warm air into my right hand. And when my dad was standing over me, smacking his gums and picking at his teeth, I silently wished for him to evaporate just so I could have the peace and quiet I existed in before his community meeting ended.

Mets won regardless so I guess it's all good.

Commercials: It's been a while since I've watched regular television (and I don't think I've missed much) but there were some clever commercials tonight. Holiday Inn with like the silly business guys commenting on a presenters no flinch on a coffee spill and calling him a prize fighter. The extended Burger King commercial where they go through French words. The Cingular commercial where he calls his girl and the call drops right when he asks if he's the only dude. And I think that's it. If I were more proactive I might have found the YouTube links. You find them. I mean it's not like you're doing anything else if you're reading this blog.

The Barbershop

Since I was a child, I was aware of the unique culture of the urban barbershop. Ever since my father took me to the closest barbershop that cut my type of hair (read: nappy) I've always had a sense of not belonging. It's funny that I felt this so young. I now know it's more a relationship between me and my blackness and the barbershop (or hair salon for the ladies) is one of the defining features of black culture in America.

Maybe it's because it relates to appearance, which is one of the few things that Black people are consistently proud of. Maybe it's because such a wide range of figures come through that one spot. The only other place that offers a comparable range is church and that's fraught with a lot of spoken and unspoken restrictions. The barbershop, just like the movie, is like a social center. Opinions discussed. Deals made. Even though I'm not the most comfortable, it's one of the trips I look forward to the most.

Today was no different. Sit down and just soak it in. As my own barber stopped at least 5 times to politic, whether live, or on his phone, you get an idea of survival. I know I'm probably making it more grandiose than it is but I really learn a lot about how people live sans college degree, amazing entertainment talent, trust fund, or superlative athletic ability. Take my barber Izzy for example. In previous conversations, I've learned that he tries to manage singers and producers. And many come through trying to hook things up. Another barber promotes parties. And I'm sure each of them has some (or many) side hustles. But their moxie is inspiring, just for the fact that I don't understand it yet they keep coming through.

Makes me think about how they accomplish so much with the little they got and I'm sitting pretty and letting it all slide. A change is in order. Sounds like a movie waiting to happen

What The F*&#?

(Warning: Explicit language follows. Ignorant people really incite me)

So I finally rouse myself from my house and am heading to the barbershop. The barbershop voyage does take me through public housing (projects, y'all). I just happen to look up and what do I see poling out of someone's window. A DirecTV satellite.

Double take. Yep that's a satellite peeking through the iron bars of the projects.

What the fuck?!?!?!? Seriously.
I was visibly shaking my head.

Did the thought ever occur to whoever the owner is that possibly the money spent on the satellite and the ensuing monthly bill might be better appropriated? Like food or clothes or moving the hell out of the bloody ghetto?

When will these people realize that their station in life is not completely due to institutionalized obstacles? Yes they exist but man you got to put in some work too. Auuuuuuuuuughhhh.

I just want to go in there and smack the shit out of them sometimes. Or at least the satellite owner.

Some Not So Nice Things About NYC

Yeah I just left an awesome reading series called Varsity Letters themed on sports. (The link about Clever Writing in Sports to your right is where I heard of it) But I was in the Lower East Side and I realized some things about the city.

It has some super peculiar and not so nice smells.

Okay so that was one thing but I still think it's paradise.

Okay not paradise but it's pretty darn fantastic.

Jam On

New York is known for the banging music coming from cars. It's kind of our hallmark. I know it's summer when I hear the first tunes loudly blaring 3 blocks from where I walk. So in the midst of our minor heat wave, it really isn't surprising to hear loud ass music. But today, someone had a blaring sax solo and I thought I was out my mind.

But wait. Wait. I know those notes. No it couldn't be.

Whitney Houston? I Will Always Love You?!?!?!?

I peer into see who is blaring such a bold choice of tune instead of the hip-hop and reggaeton that I am more accustomed to hearing faraway.

Yes. Soccer dad. Bumping the hell out of that primo Subaru Outback sound system.

I look forward to being that guy

Mets Win! Mets Win!

So I watched the Mets game today that I sadly thought I would attend in person. And I realized how insane fan I get. Here I am in the middle of my living room, half naked, talking to myself and riding on every pitch. Being in Massachusetts, I get my share of questions being a New Yorker about my loyalty to New York sports teams. For the most part, I'm mostly indifferent. I mean I enjoy sports but growing up, New York teams were mostly lackluster. I grew up being more attached to personalities then teams.

So there was Magic Johnson (my dad called me at school to tell me about the HIV. I cried in my cereal the next morning). And Emmitt Smith. And Frank Thomas. And Alonzo Mourning. I was kind of a Yankee fan when I went to school in the Bronx and they ripped off their late 90s run. And I did go to the Rangers parade and watched that whole series cause I really liked Brian Leetch. But the Mets were always there in my mind. I cringed during the no name years when Todd Hundley and Benny Agbayani were the heroes. And I leaped out of my skin when Robin Ventura hit his grand slam single against the Braves.

So starting last year or actually the year they got Kaz, I subconsciously decided that I would hop back on the bandwagon. I'm glad I beat the rush. Here I am screaming at the TV because Mota bloody pitched the same damn changeup that Nomaaaaaah was waiting for. Cursing Billy Wagner and yelling and the fans at Shea for not showing the appropriate enthusiasm and support. So forever I will be a Mets fan.

From this point on, I pledge to be a Mets fan. Wherever I live, I will baptize my children in the waters of Flushing Corona Park. I will learn the intricacies of the minor league system and hope for the draft waters to turn up promising prospect after promising prospect. I wish they didn't wear blue and orange, but my blood will bleed those colors (though I will be wearing the black and orange as often as possible)

LONG LIVE THE METS

You Know What's Good

Jamaican whole wheat bread
Lightly toasted
With Butter

Delicious

Check One

Yeah I feel really good about how I look today. And I ain't even got my planned haircut and I still need to bathe myself. Yessir I feel good. For some reason I want another tattoo really hard. We'll see.

More Random Thoughts

MS1 is in the 99th percentile of people in the world. Point blank. Period

Luna should not quit music (completely)

Yeah so Addams Family Values was on the TV as Dad slept. I know he woke up to use the bathroom. But really when did he have the time to change to Shaft cause now he's back asleep.

Did I ever tell you the kids at work christened me Commander Shaft with no allusions to its many connotations?

Venom is only good in spurts. I find it doesn't suit me. Helping hands and loving hearts fit me much better.

Would men be cleaner if we had to wash our intimate apparel with the same care as women take with their own?

Bye for now

Random Thoughts

Shouts to Coffee Bean who made a concerted effort to call me (that's phone card minutes kid) to see how I did on my test

People who do MySpace bulletins every time they change their page need lives

Your mother is on crack rock and I think she gave me some cause I am hyper as a mutha up in here

MS1 (fka as Lady Godiva) is fantastic. I miss her and wonder how she is really considering staying away from me for another six months

Today I saw a father walking his son to school. It was darling. Problem though. Daddy had his pant legs a little high. And the son had his high too. Now forever he'll think high pants are fashionably acceptable. Hopefully a woman will come around to correct him in time.

Do you know that 7 x7 = 49 or that 8 x 8 = 64?

Okay I really have nothing more to say. I guess I'll find some music to download

Music Makes Me Happy

I just dropped like 20 postings on my new blog. You should check it out.

Smart Playlist

Life's Mantra

They can't stop me, naw they can't stop me
They keep playing', keep sayin' I'm cocky
They keep tryin' but too tired to top me
Their best bet is to fall back and watch me

Yeah that sums it up. Thanks Little Brother.

Losing Sanity All Together (Or Me & 19 Jews)

Last night I was trying my hardest to stay awake. I didn't want to succumb to some crazy LSAT control over my habits. But even though I had six simultaneous IM conversations going on and I ate at 10:30 and was trying to watch Monday Night Football, my body wouldn't let me stay up. So by 11 I was in bed for the first time since I can't remember.

I think I woke up at 6:30 and never really went back to sleep. I finally arose from bed at around 7:30, threw some clothes on, jammed to some Game Theory and moseyed on out the door. I had already planned to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge to the test site to burn off nervous energy. What was so disconcerting was that I had no nervous energy to speak of. No rumblings in the stomach. No myriad of unrelated or related thoughts. Absolute blankness. I did not like it at all.

Just as I was coming to the end of the bridge, I started to think about my kids at work and all of a sudden I found myself in a silent scream of frustration at nothing. My nervous energy had arrived. I found my way to the testing room and pulled out my phone to turn it off when I realized I had a supportive message from Banana. It eased my mind. I replied back and then turned off the phone.

Surveying the surroundings I was surprised at my location. The first time I took the test, it was in a huge amphitheater with every Jew in Brooklyn. This day, it seemed I was the last one, the only black one, and it was just a regular classroom, occupancy capped out at 50. So nervous energy dissolving but now it's 8:40. 8:50. Umm excuse me, y'all said we had to be here no later than 8:30. What gives?

Finally the proctor comes in saying that they are trying to get the tests and that there was some trouble with the city transit so we'll be starting shortly. I walk around the corridors, reminding myself what a real college looks like. I come back, and turn the chair in front of me. Totally relaxed. I feel bad because as the minutes wane on, all my Jewish friends grow more anxious. They speak of their upcoming theses and plans for the future, but you can hear the tension in their voice. The thought of Can we just start the test permeates every word they speak, even "the." But I did some extra praying.

And I got so loose that I was thinking ahead to how funny this blog was going to be. Like I was going to talk about how Jewish I was from my name (Hebrew) to my beard. I even make corny jokes, enjoy baseball, and love a fresh smattering of lox (smoked salmon guys). I used to joke with my mom that I was going to be a Jewish All-Star (Lawyer-Doctor-Rabbi). I know it's racist or something but man, I was clever.

So finally Michael (best proctor ever) introduces himself, makes jokes, just puts everyone at ease. Tests are handed out. Bubbles are darkened. Pray one more time. And here we go.

And honestly the first half of the test I was good. I was taking my time. Like I could feel myself taking my time and I felt good. The break came after section three and this time my corridor walk was even more relaxed. I did stretches. Bounced around. Good times.

So the second half. I'm still zoning from before when wait up. No that's not the answer because I has to go before K. Or does it? So I actually go back and change/almost change 3 answers. It's okay cause I know that they're right but I still lost time. These are logic games and my problem is that I always get too immersed in figuring out every possibility. Basically psyching myself out. So I'm a bit flustered but I soldier on. Haven't even started the last part of the section when he says "5 minutes." So now it's double time. And the answers were coming quicker. Until the last two questions. "Pencils down."

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the next section starts like right away but I'm still flustered over the misstep. And this section definitely counts while the last one might have been the experimental section they slip in every test. But I fail to realize that at that point and I am totally spacing. So for the first ocuple of questions, I'm freaking cause I'm getting like 3 answers in a row that are the same letter. Everything is just throwing me off. But I think I recovered. I hope I did.

I wrote rap lyrics after my section of the writing sample. And I left. And I turned my phone on and I had a supportive message pre-test from Luna and great news about my living situation by Banana. So I couldn't dwell on it too much. Plus the sun was shining and the people of New York are so damned beautiful I couldn't help but be chill.

So what's the aftermath? I haven't had a chance to make more of a deal about the possible negatives and I don't think I will. They were answers here or there. And I always have the 165 and most of the schools I've researched say they take the higher score. But we're not even getting that far. I'm more worried about relieving the neck pain I accumulated.

At least it's over. Law school applications here we come.

Last Days of Summer

Yes summer technically ended about 10 days ago, but in the city of New York, when have calendars ever been faithfully followed save for the ball drop on 12/31.

On the van ride today, I really had a reacquaintance with the city because people seemed to live on corners of the Bronx I was unaware existed. But I didn't mind it so much. My legs weren't really cramped. I didn't have to use the bathroom. Plus I got to people watch a whole lot of people I probably wouldn't have seen.

But surveying the city was like seeing a multitude of movie scenes unfold before my eyes. There was the stop where about 20 children of varying shades of brown shimmied the little that had been bestowed in their short time on Earth to a mixtape of some sort. And they all sang the refrains perfectly timed in their Kidz Bop voices. It was nice to just see people walk around as they enjoyed the last vestiges of warmth before the sun disappears for 3-4 months. Was that really a 8 and 6 year old walking around sans parents? And why am I okay with that for some strange reason?

The city is alive. I'm not sure why everyone is so scared of the place. Law & Order and CSI: NY must have skewed people's perceptions. Walking through Brooklyn Heights is like walking through an all-American neighborhood. Children dance. Teens sit on stoops. Adults excahange smiles. Our difference is that you can get bagel and lox at 3 in the morning and a breathtaking view of the skyline is at our doorstep. And our residents dress better. Other than that, no real difference.

I love being home

If You Had 24 Hours To Live

That probably would be a good blog title for a later date but that's how the creativity is flowing this morning so deal with it.

I'm sadly beginning to believe that this whole LSAT score is an excellent predictor of how you'll do if you take it again cause I can't get past this breaking point. In one way it's comforting. Even with all the miscues and things in between my taking of the test I haven't got more stupid. But it also means that I haven't got smarter either, not naturally and not with better study habits.

I won't let it get me down though. I still believe that I will own the test. I did make it the first thing I did when I woke up. Like literally no teeth brushing. Just rise, set timer, and go. So we'll see. And regardless, I'll be in New York for a week so who am I to complain. Although the Mets game seemed to be too good to be true. Seems they're for the championship series, if they get that far. Arrrrgh

Happy thoughts though. Happy thoughts.

John 14:13-14

Sandee's

Before arriving in South Lancaster, I was vaguely aware of a neighborhood establishment, usually revolving around food, where there were regulars and a kind of mini-community existed. Now I know they exist in New York City, but it seems hard to cultivate. In the city there are so many people and so many new things happening every day that the time and energy to cultivate such a regular bond with one establishment is hard.

That's why I kinda like Sandee's so much. It's a little diner right down the street from the school and they serve some of the biggest fish & chips portions ever. The chef knows me. A number of the waitresses know me. And I just get a warm feeling for the two minutes I'm in there picking up food. Guess it's just nice to have something else to return to in this ever changing world

Dame Espacio

So Three's Company (Banana, Wolf Figther, and I) went out for a spell last night just to chill. On our way back from chilling there was a blowout between the girls. Seems Banana's tensions had been rising for a while. I had talked with her earlier on the phone and she just vented that she didn't feel like she was getting her personal space from the Fighter. So when she took a more circuitous route and was dropping Fighter off before me, even though logically the reverse would have made more sense in an efficiency sort of way, Fighter called her on it and just went onto an outlandish zone with accusations and assertions.

It's sad. I know Banana loves Fighter. And in her own weird way Fighter loves Banana but it comes across somewhat ummm misunderstood. But no matter it got me thinking about space and what we need from people. There are certain people that you don't mind them being in every nook and cranny of your life either because of right (parent) or just earned status (significant other). But for most other levels that information should be volunteered and even then it's stratified so that not everyone is getting the same amount of stuff. I won't lie. Some people just won't know about where I will be on certain nights while some will. It's just a fact of life.

I hope they make amends. Friendships shouldn't be lost over silliness like that. I also hope that communication improves for all of us cause I will not be the proverbial wishbone.

Unexpected

So I was conversing with Luna when a very passionate knock came upon my chamber door. Upon answering, I found the chaplain and assorted male students on a prayer walk throughout the dorm. So I told Luna I would call her back and threw on a shirt.

And it felt so good just even after I told the chaplain what my prayer requests were. I felt like weight had been lifted by just admitting I needed some help. And it just got better once we started praying. Like I was kinda sleepy on the phone with Luna, but afterwards I just felt more awake and alive.

I'm always amazed at how God impresses on people to do things when they don't even realize the positive impact that they are about to have on others. But life is good. And my outlook is very positive for once. I wish I knew how it would all work out, but I'm glad that I am secure in the fact that it will

My Mom Is Better Than Yours

So Sarabi (that's mom; remember I'm Simba people) e-mailed me yesterday about possible Mets tickets for the playoffs. I frantically fired one back hoping that the scavengers of city employees wouldn't be quick enough to take up the offer. Lo and behold, Game 1 of the Mets first playoff series in six years and yours truly will be there.

Oh I can't even believe it. I was about to go home last week just to make it to a Mets game for the only time this year but resigned myself to missing out on the rebirth, even though I made it to two games last year. But now I get to go to the postseason. How crazy is that?!?!?!?

And after my LSAT. What a present. Now I have even more resolve to kick ass on this test. I want to make the Mets experience one of the highest of the year.

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

El Corazon

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

The human heart is most deceitful and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?

The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no can figure out.
- Jeremiah 17:9 (NIV, NLT, The Message)

Wednesday Lady Godiva was filling me in on the many developments and emotions associated with her life (which I will not divulge but would encourage her to in an even more possibly interesting blog than mine, which should be called Krama Magnet) and we both mentioned the profoundness of this verse. Today, my brain has slowed down to the point where I am actively processing that sentiment again and I'm really trying to understand the damn thing. But my brain won't let me.

Or maybe just like the verse says, I don't have the capacity. No one does I guess. I don't know why I am drawn to the things I am drawn to or why I hold on to the things I hold on to. It's troubling at times because there are things I want to let go and things I would like to possess but I feel like my heart won't let me do it. Confusion is the only order of the day it seems at times.

I feel quite maudlin all of a sudden. That's not too great. Deliverance will come.

Oh The Children

WHEN A GUY MISSES YOU
Guy Facts:

When a guy calls u he wants to be with you

When a guy is quiet, He's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing, He realizes he's wrong

When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few minutes, he means it

When a guy stares at you, he wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do?

When you're laying your head on a guy's chest he has the world

When a guy calls you everyday he is in love

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you he means it

When a guy says he can't live without you he's with you till your done

When a guy says, "I miss you, " he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else

Girl Facts:

When you break a girls heart, she still feels it when you run into eachother 3 years later.

When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind.

When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

When a girl lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live without you, she has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you, " no one in this world can miss you more than that

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup she wants you back, but she's scared she'll get hurt and knows your gone forever.

This is a MySpace bulletin probably created by some teen who is going through the world of emotions and thinks that they have a handle on the world because they've memorized "The Notebook." As I read it though, I have to admit that as simplistic as this all sounds at points, some of it is very on point. I don't know what that means but I thought I would mention it.

Leave Of Absence

No posts yesterday but for good reason. Yesterday I picked up my last morning shift of the week. Except I was there till 2 pm as opposed to my usual 9 am bouncing. I was going to blog form the intervention room at the school, but then one of my boys started to get unfocused so I began to give him a talk on the different levels we attain psychologically. He i sone of the smarter ones and can handle it.

It's funny how smart you can be when you are dispensing advice to others though. Because right after he got himself settled and I sent him back to class, he was back in intervention within 10 minutes. He went off on a rampage about how it wouldn't have happened if his teacher was in the room, blaming it on the teacher's aide's presence. But then I started to tell him to take responsibility for his actions and to start to think of ways to handle it more appropriately. I wish I could use that advice for myself sometime.

Anyway it was a pretty cool day in school. I like working in the school because I get to interact with a lot of kids that I wouldn't normally see. And personally it owrks out for me because I love to talk and figure kids out, try to help them along in the 5 minutes I get. And I think the kids like it too, because it's someone new and they're getting attention and well it's just good. Plus I like when in future visits they remember my name. Just proves that for a glimpse I made a positive impact. Everybody deserves some love and I'm just trying to give out what I can.

After that, I went to an outlet plaza about 45 minutes away with my co-worker. Purchased more hoodies and some Timberland boots so that was worthwhile. Then I collapsed. For like four hours. Supposedly I even got a phone call from Wolf Fighter, had a conversation, and then went back to sleep. That is how tired I was.

Afterwards I went to Applebee's with Coffee Bean and Bonsi. And then we went to a bad bar where there was karaoke. And yes I did partake in the devil's brew. I had resisted the urge at Applebee's but in the air of social hour, I guess I succumbed. And realized again what a worthless expenditure of time and money alcohol is. Really it doesn't do much. It kind of eased the headache that was forming, but sleep could have taken care of that much better. All in all a stupid move. So that was the leave of absence for my brain.

This morning I woke up and my room was a mess. I have to study my patoot off. Sabbath is approaching. I am really happy for that. I think I am going to immerse myself in Jesus this Sabbath more than I have recently. I've let our relationship slip recently. The concerns of the world sadly are a bit too distracting.

Donde Esta Mi Cabeza?

I went to work 30 minutes late today. I just didn't feel like I was in my element.

And the spaciness perpetuated all day.

But the boys liked the stuff me and Untouchable picked out for their rooms. It's was the first time I saw them get unfocused because they actually liked the decorating. One boy, when he slowed down, actually said "I like this day." It warmed my heart. I wish it warmed it more but my head wasn't completely there. At least I remember that much.

Uhhhh.

Where did it go? Overtime might be killing me.

Eli's Coming (Losing My Way)

Three Dog Night song the Hixican Jew put in my head a long time ago. Very eerie vibe to it. That's how I feel today. (Justin Timberlake song that also feels appropriate today)

Woke up and went to work for another two hour adrenaline rush at work today. Sometimes I am amazed at my boys and my interactions with them. They're great. That same boy I mentioned yesterday was dropping so many quotes I can't remember them all. But I was in stitches on the hall. And I went to work it was windy and cloudy and dark. But when I left it was noticeably warmer and definitely sunny.

It's kind of how I feel about life. My living situation is getting kind of complicated. Banana's sister pulled out of their father's plan to get them a house so now that's up in the air. It seemed so sure but I guess I should know by now that nothing is sure. I'm praying something works out.

And that's something I realized. I haven't been praying as much. I feel like I've been skating by. But on my walk home from work today I realized all this. The living thing. The LSAT thing. The bill thing. The job thing. I feel like I am close to my breaking point. But I also feel appreciative that I have noticed that I might be close to it and that's really important. Before I probably would have broke and then shut down. At least I'm recognizing it now. The vacation and my sojourn to Michigan are in back to back weeks and I couldn't have asked for better timing. And even before I realized that I haven't been praying as much, something about the sunshine and the gentle breeze had me very optimistic, like my heart knew that things would work out.
And all things work for the good. That's Romans children. 8:28 if you must be precise.

Life is like how I felt last night. There's tension. It's uncomfortable but it's not exactly bad either. And I know that the metaphorical equivalent of Banana's massage will come make it all better and I can sleep well in perpetuity.

Yeah

I work in 5 hours

I'm still up.

Damn massage actually gave me energy, though I guess my sleep will be more efficient since I had all that tension released.

Luna is beautiful though. I will e-mail her now.

Too personal?

It's my blog so get used to it.

What was that?

Don't backtalk me.

Yeah I thought so.

Oh Such Is Life

So it's hate/love right now.

Pro: I am one of the coolest staff ever.
How do we know this? Because kids from all programs know my name and flock to say what up. Even day students I see for a maximum of 5 minutes a week respond to me.
Con: I am one of the coolest staff ever.
The problem with this is the fact that all the kids call on me all the freaking time. It also means I can barely ever take a break because until these new guys get comfortable and the kids trust them I gotta be on the hall to make sure the place doesn't spontaneously combust. Thank God for coffee.

Pro: Banana is in massage therapy school.
This is great because she needs test subjects for evaluations and such and I have entered her good graces enough to be one of the two that she does massage along with Wolf Fighter. So for the great price of zilch I am treated to massages that relieve tension as she increases her knowledge of the human body
Con: Banana is in massage therapy school.
The con in this is the fact that we all work at the same place which means we all get out at 10 which means that there is usually only one time she can do the massages. You guessed it after work. And right now I should be asleep in my bed getting ready to wake up again at six in the morning so I can be at work again. But after today's exhausting day, when she texted me about coming over, I sadly succumbed. It's actually where I'm blogging from now. At least I'm getting some LSAT studying done and I am getting a free massage and she is good at it.

Pro: Yo momma's on crack rock
Well this is good because it means your mom is probably always up for a good time. Going to the supermarket is never just going to the supermarket with mom. Plus all your friends' moms are jealous cause they don't understand why she stays so super thin.
Con: Yo momma's on crack rock
Well when you go to the supermarket, you never have enough money to buy food so there goes that. Plus her nose is always runny. And your friends' moms actually like take care of their responsibilities. Sadly your mom is strung out on the couch.

Pro: The LSAT is next week.
This means I am one step closer to not being stressed and applying to the next chapter of my life.
Con: The LSAT is next week
And I haven't prepared enough (though I still like my chances). Plus that just means I get to worry about what schools I will apply too. And the actual mundane elements of the application. And the application fees. And the rejection. And the worry about paying for it. And the actual schooling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha. Life is good though. Now to study and wait for my turn on the table.

Because I Like To Find New Ways To Be Unproductive

I made a new blog. It's called Smart Playlist and will be a running dialogue on all my media especially all the stuff I have accumulated but still have not absorbed. It will focus mostly on music, but DVDs and books will make it from time to time. I think I'll still post here about exceptional experiences in the media world but I'll try to keep the mostly mundane over there.

Even Though

"....the birds ain't singing and the sun ain't shining, it looks like a beautiful morning.

Each day's another chance to do the things I could've
Done the day before, but I didn't and I known I should've
So I say a prayer for the gone for gooders
Who left this world, then kiss my girl "good mornin', shuga"
Another sunrise, and as much as I would love
To roll over on you I cannot do it because
The good Lord I prayed to him
And he said, "People is listening now"
So I better have something to say to 'em

And if I had to go back, I wouldn't change a thing
Wouldn't re-cut it, re-edit, or change a frame'
Cause it would not be fair, to turn my back on the struggle
When that exact same hustle got me here"
- Phonte, Little Brother, "Beautiful Morning"

A little grandiose on the opening I know. I'm not a fan of blogs that are just lyrics. But that is how I feel this morning. I feel a new horizon upon me.

I woke up this morning late for the first of 4 mornings this week that I picked up at work. For three of those mornins I only stay till 9 to make sure the kids get to school. Today was one of those days. I realized I was late so I just threw on sweats. As I was walking through the door I just had the urge to run. Speaking with Luna I guess aroused my interest in voluntary exercise again. So I just started running. And it felt good. I mean real good. I surprised myself with my staying power, even up a hill I was dreading half a mile before I hit it. I didn't make it all the way to work without stopping. I really didn't expect too. But it gave me something to work toward I guess and I felt a whole lot more awake than if I had downed the energy drink I had planned to.

So I get to work and I find that I like the morning shift. I figured this out about a week ago when I picked up then. Something about the frantic pace to get everyone showered and changed and fed and in school on time kind of excites me. I think part of it is just that I have no idea what I am doing at that time. During my shift the routine is down to a T. I know all the roadblocks that might occur, what things to avoid and such. But in the morning, it's a crapshoot. you never know how a kid will wake up. You never know which kid will wet or anything. But you gotta make sure 15 boys are in school on time and it's like an adrenaline rush. And I got reaffirmed today in my own abilities. I'm not trying to toot my own horn but I am damn good at my job. It's nice to have your superiors say it but I don't need it. I know I can talk to those kids and get them to do what they need to be doing.

(Side note: While in a solution room today, one of my kids, a rotund 7-year-old was calling himself Eminem, reciting such hits as "Mocking Bird" and "Salt Shaker." It was fantastic and made me even more glad I woke up.)

And I am proud of the fact that I haven't collapsed yet considering my sleep was so little. I had planned on taking a nap upon my return but I realized that I probably wouldn't do what I should be getting done today. Plus this is just the thing I was talking about. There will be all nighters for the next three years and I won't always have the luxury of shutting myself down so I might as well start practicing. I think I'll run every day to work this week and see where it takes me.

I'm really excited about life right now.