Tuesday, August 30, 2005

What The Hell Is Wrong With Some People?

So after I came home last night from my eventful walk with Coffee Bean, I went to take a shower. Now I have new suitemates in my dorm who have particularly nasty habits, which I won't share here just because I like your intestinal linings where they are. Anyway, as I step into the shower, I happen to glance where I keep my colognes. Now I have four colognes. There's D & G Masculine for the summer fresh scent. There's Polo Blue for a more serious scent, more citrus based. There's Christian Dior for that distinguished "I Am Somebody" scent. And finally there is Dolce & Gabanna for the "I'm at church but I might be going out later" scent. Lo and behold Dolce & Gabbana were missing. Not to mention one of the soap bars that I left in the bathroom as well.

I was fuming. It was 12:45 in the morning and it was only the Jesus in me that didn't have me banging on the immature youngins's door demanding my cologne back. The next day, after work, I went straight there and asked in my most calmed down voice for it back. This bastard had it in his drawer like it was his. The nerve! What is wrong with people. Is common decency out the window? At a Christian school no less. Sadly, had they just asked to use it and left it where it was, I would have been fine. I don't get to use them as often as I would like. If they can use it and feel good, yay, fantastic. Damn they could have used it without asking me and just left it where it was and I wouldn't have noticed most likely. But no. They decided to incur my wrath. I think the Lord sent them to make me move out the dorm as soon as possible. This is just ridiculous

Did That Just Happen?

Okay so I'm talking with Coffee Bean on the rough streets of South Lancaster. We got a little excited. There was some boiseterous laughing and talking. Out of nowhere, someone just screams "Go AWAY!" It was awesome. I felt like I was in some bad television show. The neighborhood rapscallions causing trouble in the wee hours of night. I could just imagine the woman who said it, with some withered down housecoat and rollers in her hair. That would be so awesome. Just had to share that with the world.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Therapy @ Denny's

There must be something about late nights and greasy food that lets the emotional floodgates run open. Maybe you're just so tired at that point and the grease just hits off some neurotoxins or something that makes it all work. But I've noticed that at my late night sessions at Denny's things just come out.

Last night, me and Posh went and I got some things out about my ongoing relationship woes with Coffee Bean. And in getting it out, it helped me realize things I needed to do and that I was doing. Similarly, a couple months back, it was Posh, who in the same seat, got stuff out about her frustrations with her father. Maybe the vinyl seating is enough like a psychiatrist's office that you just get comfortable.

After all their issues with diversity and stuff, maybe they could somehow incorporate that in their next marketing campaign. Like "Denny's: Out in the Open" or something. (Hey I'm not a copywriter. Give me some credit). But whenever I want to get something out I plan to pour my sorrows out over a T-Bone and eggs with a vanilla milkshake. There's no better way.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

New Political Philosophy: Luxury Socialism

My genius disciple Nitro is currently in her second year of law school at Cornell. Naturally she's brilliant and so she has been courted by her share of prominent law firms for summer jobs next year. As she goes to these series of interviews, the law firms put her up in lavish hotels, so much for a 24 year old student to handle.

Nitro expressed some guilt about being in these places and dwelling in its extravagance. But as a responsible guru, I let her know that she was not paying for these things and should therefore not feel bad about enjoying them. In fact, if one should feel bad it is because so many will never experience such luxuries. And then a new political philosophy was born: Luxury Socialism.

The basic tenet of Luxury Socialism is that every one should have access to the finest of goods, whether it be legitimate Coach bags, Ritz-Carlton accomodations, or an Ivy League education. Because they are the finest, they should be available to everyone. Why limit it to an ever shrinking elite? My people on the corner deserve to have XO cognac instead of the VSOP they are forced to drink because of their station in life.

Seedy motels should be banished from existence. If I need to pull off the interstate to rest my eyes during an excessively long road trip, I should always have a Ritz Carlton or Four Seasons type establishment to step into. The best healthcare should be available to me, meaning every test should be run that could be run, without additional costs. Adequate is no longer acceptable. If it is not excellent, it should be thrown out of the system.

Luxury Socialism: Because we all deserve a better way of life.

What's Wrong With My Life?

So I was sitting in a car in an awkward situation for the umpteenth time in the past couple of weeks and I realized what’s so pathetic about my life. I am without joy. Sadly, Posh pointed this out a while ago and I just brushed it off as nonsense cause I just could not believe it. But her insight was uncanny.

Clarification is in order. I’m not exactly rushing to find a way to get my face off the planet. I exist and function and handle my duties without issue. But when it comes down to it, I am just striving to be content instead of striving to be happy, or even my happiest. I am constantly concerned about the enjoyment of others but have neglected to focus on my own happiness.

It’s true that I get a certain amount of pleasure from seeing other people happy but what about when my efforts aren’t as successful as I would have hoped? Or it is just impossible to not hurt feelings? I feel like I’ve avoided doing things that might have been in my best interest to make sure someone else was not hurt. And look where it’s gotten me. Slowly learning to hate myself more and more.

People keep telling me I’m a great person but I always have trouble believing them. I am in a constant pathway of proving myself worthy in the sights of those around me. Sometimes it’s friends. Sometimes perfect strangers. Even my boys at White Hall. How do I go about proving I’m worthy to myself? How do I find the balance where I help others as much as possible while making sure I’m taken care of? My efforts at sacrificing what I considered minor gains in happiness have accumulated to the point where I have a lack of it. That’s not the point of life. For too long, contentment has been enough. But I want to be happy. Anyone with tips on how to get there please contact me at slowlylosingmymind@hotchie.com

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Sweet South Lancaster

When people ask where I go to school, in the past I would shy my head away and just say Massachusetts. For the more inquisitive, I would have to respond "a small town outside of Boston." Most times that would satiate the inquisitor. Straight up, I was just embarrassed to be here. As a proud city boy, it was excruciating to be here.

So its surprising when I say that I've grown to love the place. Even though it's quiet and you can't get a decent bite to eat after midnight, it's not without its charms. I think the thing that has amazed me the most is my discovery of the moon. In the city, you see the moon and you're not really impressed. But out here, the moon means something. Unwalkable streets are well lit during a full moon. It never ceases to amaze me. There's no amount of artificial light that can blow my mind like that.

Plus the fact that people make a point to say hi to you in the street and make eye contact. And I'm closer to a part of my family I was sadly too long without. But South Lancaster is a great place. Still won't live here forever though

Monday, August 22, 2005

Belonging Part 2

Yeah so every day I've been doing this guilty pleasure thing - okay it's straight up self-interested. And that is constantly going to my Hi5 page and noticing all there is to know about Adam. Or at least as much as the site can tell you. Alledgedly, it is a way to keep in contact with all your friends and meet their friends so you can make new ones and so on and so on. You can do a journal and get testimonials written up about you. It's all one grand party.

But then honestly I look at people with 176 friends and I wonder "Are they really your friends? Do you honestly have sustained and meaningful conversations with these individuals on a regular basis? Do you even want to?" I realized that for the most part the people I do like like that aren't on the website at all. I really just joined because the bloody e-mails inviting me to join were becoming a hassle and I like staking out one more claim in the vast internet wasteland.

But it is a treat to see this other side of people that I usually give a passing hello too. Some of their hopes and dreams and slang or whatever. And that's just one more shot of wanting to be a part of something. Some form of understanding of the world that exists around you.

Climax

For most individuals, sex is seen as a necessary component of a healthy relationship. But still that component is regularly looked upon with the same devotion as cardiovascular exercise. What I'm saying is that sex is often looked upon as being very physical. And the most physical of these goals is the climax. But now I realize that the climax can be the penultimate goal of the emotional side of sex. Imagine that you reach your height of pleasure with some individual. Wouldn't it be fitting for that peak to be realized with someone that you love? It shouldn't me some momentary and fleeting thing with an interchangeable partner. Ideally, it should be with that one person that you crave to spend time with in and out of the bedroom. Just a passing thought.

Friday, August 19, 2005

R.I.P. Boy Wonder's Hard Drive

I was just informed that Boy Wonder's hard drive's heart stopped earlier this week. This news brings great sadness to my heart. Affectionately referred to as Big Bytie by those close to her, she had an amazing capacity to store data and in turn to store our love, for as much as she took in, she gave back so much more. I remember fondly looking across her partitions and thinking that I could never be tired of reading all that she had to offer. It is so sad to see her go. I can only hope that in an afterlife, she can serve as some sort of doorstop or coaster. Farewell sweet princess. Your sleep is nigh.

I'm Screwed

I don't think I can win the way I'm playing. Every step I take, seemingly in the right direction, is fraught with unexpected consequences. So honestly I'm sitting on the bench for a while and playing the spectator. Cause this thing is overrated. Life ain't simple but I doubt it should be this complicated either. Sorry I'm being cryptic but it is 3 in the morning and I'm tired and I've probably lost a pint of blood from my awesome new tattoo. But dammit I'm taking a bloody break.

PS Not from the blog. I know you missed me

Monday, August 15, 2005

Belonging

This past week was a breakthrough week for me at work. Not for what happened on the shifts, but rather the extensive conversations that I had with my colleagues immediately after. Even though we usually get out at 10 or so, we spend rather long amounts of time just talking, about what seems like everything. One bitch session lasted till midnight.

I also found out that people like working with me and that kids, who sometimes hit me or curse me out, actually enjoy spending time with me. I’m even called on as a preferred staff on a couple of occasions, though I know I am nowhere near the upper echelon some of my co-workers inhabit. But what I realized was so pleasurable about these revelations is that I felt like I was one of the group. My presence was at best desired and at worst appreciated.

And isn’t that what we are all looking for? A group or experience where we feel welcome and loved to some degree. I realize that is what some of my kids are missing and why they have the problems they have now. Most of their actions are just cries for love and inclusion. I might not injure those around me for that same feeling but I’m not that different from those kids, or from the human race for that matter.

I went to church last Sabbath and everyone just kind of came and said hi or whatever. But it was so refreshing. It might sound egotistical but it’s probably more of a testament to my self-esteem. It’s just nice to get that reassurance sometime. It’s probably why I am a serial monogamist. That desire to be a part of something where I get that love in return. It’s probably why a simple conversation with a friend can have me high for hours. That give and take where you feel connected to something is just intoxicating. I have to find a healthy way to feel that all the time or it could be detrimental.

More Insight Into My Personality

I just found this somewhere on my computer. Not sure if I ever posted it before. But late last night I found it oddly compelling so I'll publish it again. God knows where I took this online test to give me these results but they seem rather prescient.

You have a strong personality that likes to take risks if the rewards are worth it. You don't like being told what to do and prefer to take matters into your own hands.

Preferring a more casual appearance, you are more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt than in a suit. You don't like over dressing for any occasion, although you never look scruffy.

You are aggressive in business, but tend to take the backseat when it comes to your personal life. You are more comfortable talking about work than relationships.

You are a very practical person. It's more important to you that the things you own are useful, rather than nice to look at.

A good listener. You are comfortable allowing others to take the spotlight and share their adventures. You are protective about your friendship and ensure the best for your friends.

You are a good listener, a generous and sympathetic person. You are an important part of your circle of friends, and offer a bright outlook to any situation. However, you can be easily persuaded by others.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I Found The Answer

A couple postings ago – okay it was February – I had trouble discerning what exactly makes me angry. Sadly I found the solution to the equation: Cheating.

Coffee Bean, who I dated for six months, cheated on me. It was a simple make-out session with an ex-boyfriend she assured me was just a friend, but the damage was done. In addition to the cruelty of the deed, she continued to act like everything was going swimmingly. That just made it worse.

Here I am, honestly putting my all into the relationship and she didn’t have the decency to respect it. Initially I was shocked, hurt to a degree I didn’t realize I could inhabit. But as time has passed and I have retold the whole sordid affair to some of my contemporaries, I realize that my words, whether spoken or typed, are laced with venom.

It is a miracle that I can even speak to her at times. Because everyone I’ve told has said how shitty of an experience it should be. And it is quite crappy. But I loved her, probably still love, and as with all things in my life, it’s hard to let go. I am a packrat of emotions and I guess I’m desperately clinging to the unabated joy I felt before the incident.

I guess the thing I’m most angry about is that she put me in a position to have these feelings about her. She ascended to rarefied air in my heart, a place few will ever reach. And now I feel as though she has to be sent back to congregate with the mere mortals. And in that simple truth lies the most upsetting thing.

Oh What A Wonderful Week

Do you ever have a seven day period where everything seems to just flow together? Where even the bad stuff that happens actually doesn't bother you too much; it's more like a necessary part that allows the rest of your week to have cohesion. Such was my experience this week. Class went well and is now over. (Goodbye physics! Hello Organic Chemistry!) I had wonderful interactions with a host of different people this week. Got a great haircut (Thanks China) Saw a great movie (Charlie & The Chocolate Factory. Can I just say that Johnny Depp does one of the best Michael Jackson impressions ever and for that he is solidified as the best actor of this generation). Did some great shopping. Went to a great party that sounded like my dream MP3 list. Just utter beauty. I might have had a shoe thrown at my crotch. I might have had a puch to my schnozz. I might have been riding the some kids legs as he thrashed about trying to get out of a hold. But it was all worth it. I didn't even feel uncomfortable when I was getting hit on by a guy. And I still got one more day left in it. So I'm gonna enjoy this mutha for all its worth

Friday, August 12, 2005

Floundering....Moi?!?!?!?!

That’s what the somewhat reconciled Drizzle called it. At first I was taken aback, because it just seems so harsh. Have I really become that inactive? Am I just treading water? But in hindsight, it seems I might be.

I am so glad that I discovered my friendship with my Brother From Another Mother. Not only do we have similar and excellent tastes in music and entertainment, but also we both have the same dilemma: young, gifted and black with no idea of what to do with ourselves.

Here we are knowledgeable and skilled cats so paralyzed by uncertainty and fear that our talents are being squandered. BFAM said it best that we were both waiting for a “dare to be great” moment. That was just so on point. We’re not averse to doing great things. We just haven’t been presented with the opportunity.

But instead of waiting for the lotto ticket to blow up, maybe we should go make the opportunity. It’s just that I don’t know where to step. It seems as though there are too many paths and I’m not trying to get on the wrong one. I’ve jacked up things enough already. But maybe failing will lead me to the success. Your guess is as good as mine.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Where Have You Been

Busy is the simple answer. But really what have I been busy doing? Nothing. Except sitting on a wellspring of experiences and emotions that have been building up for so long. I've started a new occupation. Maybe switched up my complete career goals. Repaired relationships with not one but two ex-girlfriends. Seen the summits and valleys of romantic relationship. Found out how much I love the friendships I have. And realized that life is pretty grand and I've been hiding from it for way too long. So expect an explosion from me pretty soon. It's gonna get warm and toasty up in here

Monday, August 08, 2005

Melanin Is So Overrated

I grew up in New York City, arguably the most diverse city in the world. Even in the city, it is possible to stick with one’s own group and live an insular and myopic life devoid of exposure to the depths of the people around you. Which is why I am so proud of the way I was brought up.

I’ve gone to a predominantly West Indian church my whole life and attend its elementary school. But my preschool years and summers were spent in institutions in my own neighborhood, which is still predominantly white. In addition, my mom made sure to expose me to the many cultural aspects of life. This came in handy when I went to high school, where the students were 40 % white, 40 % Asian, and 20 % minority.

Now I say all this as background to the fact that I am attracted to all different types of women. While I am more drawn to qualities usually attributed to minority women – i.e. thickness, skin tone – but I’m not exclusive in that regard either. So it alarms me when some of the people I’m close to threaten to cut off ties with me if I end up with a white woman.

Initially, it was just Posh, my ex-girlfriend. She discovered her blackness and has been on a whole “Black is Beautiful” thing for a while. I could easily dismiss that. But my newfound Brother From Another Mother (BFAM) alerted me that he would cut me loose if such an event occurred. After some goading, he finally said he would accept her but still, his initial comments were striking nonetheless.

His reasoning was that I was one of the most “conscious” cats and to do something like that would be illogical. I admit that I am more attuned to the “struggle” and plight of black people than the average citizen. I’ve been forced to because of my complexion. But it doesn’t define me. I want to be seen for more than just my blackness. It is just one facet amongst many that makes me me.

I embrace my heritage. I appreciate the sacrifices that my ancestors took on my behalf just so I could experience writing this insignificant blog. But my interests and dreams aren’t shaped by that. If I find my soul mate in a country girl from Iowa, how could I inflict the pain of not being with her cause she’s more prone to sunburn?

I realize the caveats of miscegenation. To this day, people second guess and give questioning glares. The children of said unions grow up with the chance of a misplaced identity. But these can be overcome. Isn’t true love supposed to conquer all?

I’m not ardent trying to toss my personal sphere on its ear, but if that’s the path that’s presented to me, please believe everybody better get ready.