Ridiculous

I just finished talking to Coffee Bean a couple of minutes ago. It was awkward at times but we fell into a new stride i think we're both comfortable with. But she remarked upon why I sounded so happy recently. And I guess it has to be my reliance on Him. Honestly it's the only thing that's sustained me. Every time I thought I wouldn't be able to handle something, i stepped back and said a prayer. Now I need to make sure that I make a stronger daily association with Him. I think I can do it.

Lord Don't Let It

Now that the sun is actually giving us natural heat on a regular basis, my neighbors have started to show their faces. The Hispanic family to our left has been working non-stop to make their dwelling as presentable as possible for the prospective buyers they intend to woo.

But across the street lives a man who is believed to have lost his driver's license and lives with his grandmother. This theory is not eliminated when you perceive this individual. Never seen him not in a sweat suit. Usually smoking. Dirty hobo hair grooming tricks.

Anyway, dude just came out of his house with a buddy I've never seen (same middle aged looking white pasty man with too long and greasy hair held down by a painter's cap). They look like extras in Clerks III. Or they might hang out with Napolean Dynamite's uncle. That's not the kicker. Are they not now in the middle of the street with one of those Nerf footballs that whistles when you throw it right? Are they not having the time of their life?

As I amble around the house in idle waiting, I don't ever want to end up like that. So the first step in my feigned production is this blog. The transient lifestyle is not for me

A Circle Is Not An Acceptable Shape

Yesterday, I was so proud of myself for actually following through and going for a run. I got fresh air. A little more familiar with my surroundings.

However, after the endorphin high wore off, I was left with soreness in places I forgot existed. Every time I moved, I swear I heard something else crack. That's not healthy. At all. Where did I get it in my twisted mind that the occasional hold and random sprint after a child was a sufficient workout regimen?

I wasn't deterred though. I woke up again earlier than I wanted. The plan was to watch SportsCenter and then head back to bed once my body realized it wasn't feeling being awake. Maybe my body was revolting. Maybe the athletic achievements being displayed gave me subconscious motivation. During a commercial break, I grabbed the iPod and changed.

And away I went. I actually felt better when I started than yesterday. But the shoelace came off, which made me lose my groove. And I never got it back. And I'm a very groove motivated kind of guy. In past experiences, I've gone farther than I wanted just because of the groove. Alas not today. I couldn't string together a continuous stretch that satisfied me. At least this time I didn't get lost.

So when I got home, I remembered that I needed to stop the timer. And it came under 30 minutes. I know that is nothing to be extremely joyous about but considering I kept stopping to walk, it's not terrible. Add on that this is the first time I've run in at least a year.

But let's be honest. It ain't right either. And worse cause I'm 25. My slender physique is the result of a questionably high metabolism that is sure to disappear sooner than later. So a couple of goals in print.

- Same route in 20 minutes in 2 months; Extension of route after that

- More water

- More vitamins

- Learn to cook at a suitable level so I can eat better

That's all I can think of for right now. Now to go down some agua.

Mysterious Ways

So I missed Timberlake and upset Luna (who has seemed to adjust).

But the day hasn't been a total waste. I did talk to Posh. I've stayed away from MySpace. Worked out how to get photos on to my iPod. Went for a run. Oh that was so great. And I wasn't at top form cause it's been so long. But I want to do it again and again. I'm so glad it's finally getting warm. I really think that spring is my favorite season.

And I realized that though my conversation went too long last night, it helped me realize that my creativity has been nascent for far too long. It started with some riffs over the shuffle's choice of tones. Then I remembered pretty complete songs I wrote. I got upset when I couldn't remember the lines for one. But today I remembered them. It felt good. I want to write again.

Also, I replied to a query regarding last night's shift and my program director complimented the good decision making. Can I get some chainsaw action on that?

I also received word of my first complete law school application. Finally all the minutiae that slowed me down is ending. Now the nerve wracking fear can begin. I was scared it would never come. I have the sinking suspicion everyone will say no. I'm not sure how ludicrous I am being. I am just so scatterbrained on paper. But I know how intelligent and talented I am. And also how much I am willing to work so that I reach my full potential. All I can do is pray and thank God for all He's done and have faith in His will for my life.

Foul Wench

Oh do not worry. The wench is not real. Just figurative. And this is not Sallie Mae (she's a contemptible shrew). It is actually Sleep. That's right, Sleep. The very thing that made me so tall. I never seem to get enough of it, but it has made me miss so much. Add Justin Timberlake to the list.

It didn't help that I was up until wrong hours of the morning. But I did secure the wake up call. And I was up. The problem is that I went back down hard. Too hard. And now I have mean text messages and hung up phones from Luna (Thanks for the mature response by the way). She has the right to and I deserve it.

I could say I saved cash. I could say maybe I needed the sleep. Maybe I avoided a horrific car crash. But I disappointed someone once again. And I missed out on a good time.

At least it's sunny outside

Milk Street Zoo

Yeah I was trying to fulfill some sort of household duty by retrieving our empty trash cans from the middle of the road. But as I stepped out, I was greeted by the barks of some disturbed dog. I looked around to locate, but was unable to determine if I was in serious danger of a rabid mutt. Just as I gave up on worrying if my death was imminent, a fine looking golden retriever just walked up the street like he owned it. Then he was politicking with the stray cat across the street. Another stray moved up the block. Then the barks of the first one set off another one that sounded like it wasn't even coming from our block.

So that's it. I live in a zoo.

Breakthrough

So I'm listening to Rapper Big Pooh's "My Mind" for the umpteenth time since the sun set on another glorious Sabbath. Now I found the song just before the Sabbath hours descended upon us but whoa. Before I get into the beauty of the song and make this a post for my other blog (Wait, you haven't been?), let me get to the real point.

The dude that sings the hook is Darien Brockington. Now the only way I know him is that he sang some hooks for Little Brother, my current favorite group. He also had an EP that I got my hands on and also he just released an album late last year I haven't been able to touch. Anyway, he's got a couple joints I keep on repeat. His voice is cool. Nice vibe, nice lyrics.

Now listening to him, I'm loving his voice even more. But I'm also realizing that this guy just happened to get on because his college friends happened to be serious about the music thing and he had some talent to lend. Now he has an independently released album. He tours a little bit. Plus he has a bunch of MySpace friends. What is stopping me from living this lifestyle?

I usually have joked that I would love to be a background singer, but honestly could it be so bad? Even just hook singer. If I got to D-Brock's position I would be happy as a clam. What better way to spend youth? Then you take that experience and move on. Or add on to it. Who knows where it could go? So why not get serious about it? How much would it hurt to actually try?

That random call from a former co-worker to sing on her baby daddy's record doesn't sound so ludicrous all of a sudden.

I Need

- a driver's license (and a sweet whip)

- to work out

- read a lot more

- stop noticing when it's 4:20. Man that's just unhealthy.

Yes obvious. But admission is the first step to recovery

The Breeze Is Blowing

ever flowing. Okay I'll stop rhyming.

It is a beautiful Sabbath day. I am blogging live from Hanson Place, though I am in Fitchburg. Thank You Lord for internet and streaming media. My former teacher and I thought future mother in law just sang during the service. Took me back. Feels good.

Before that and now again, I am playing my music over the more tedious parts of the service, though I want to take part in the hymns. But the announcements about the basketball team I could skip.

Oh she's singing again. "The Holy City" What a difficult song. Sometimes she overextends herself. She makes up for it in passion and sincerity though. And isn't that all that God asks? Passion, sincerity in our love for Him. It's all pretty simple.

Now back to your Sabbath rituals. And get off MySpace for goodness sakes.

The Experiment Continues

So I haven't slept all day. And recall that I was up at 8 in the morning. This isn't that peculiar but my friend I raipsed off to sleep at 3 or so. I guess I've worked on less sleep, but that was possibly adrenaline. Anyway on this lazy Friday I have actually accomplished something.

My room needed serious straightening up and I put loads of clean laundry away and made my closet look slightly more presentable. I really need to go through my wardrobe and weed out the unnecessary. I can't believe I've accumulated so much.

I also burned like 7 CDs for the suspiciously absent Absolute (I think that's my final nickname for my former co-worker with whom I was supposed to have lunch with today, I thought).

I spent some more time on the phone with Posh. We got into a whole (playful)argument about how she wants to name one of her sons after her father so that his name lives on. I told her there was no way a heterosexual black male who would be prominently involved in the child's life would not allow some piece of his last name to be part of his children's, especially his son. This took up some time. I at least got her to the point where she is open to suggestion and bargaining. What a hard head sometimes.

I did watch some Sportscenter and NFL Live and got in touch with my inner couch potato. I also watched an "Engaged & Underage" How Are They Now Wrap-Up Show. I found it interesting thtat they only profiled 4 couples. Was there not enough time? Were the others tired of being in front of the camera? Were they not doing well? Probably a combination of all three.

I ate.

I showered.

I resumed the prccess of making sure some of my errant music files were more accurate in their information.

I'm blogging.

I think a nap is in order.

Oh Porcelain Goddess

Getting rid of concentrated evil first thing in the morning is a very liberating experience.

And gospel is probably best heard in the morning

Guten Tag

Yeah I'm up early this morning. Why? Who knows? I've stopped asking my body questions at this point. I'm sure with some diligence, I could have been back asleep but for some reason I don't feel like it. How often do you wake up on your own at 8 in the morning? Something feels special about it, so I won't waste it.

I also think I might have been reacting to a dream. I woke up this morning trying to figure out from which friend I heard that they had made a meager investment and turned back big dividends. Something along the lines of within my grasp and turned into $12,000. That $12,000 is the only concrete thing I can pull from the dream. A friend or acquaintance made big loot. I was about to holla at people like it really happened.

Now let's look at the dream dissection. Just before I fell asleep, I was talking to Socrates and then Posh about assorted characters in our lives growing up. On the back of my mind are my many financial obligations. Wow that was simple enough.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do with myself. Possibly moving loads of new music to my anally catalogued folders so I can actually listen to it. Clearing out the 200+ e-mails in my inbox. Finishing blogs that I have only started. Making this list is making me depressed. Let's just do the damn thing already.

Say Word

So I was checking out Okayplayer the other day to see what was good and realized that they had switched to the blog format, with a whole huge redesign. As I read the entries to learn of our new posters, I was highly encouraged. They seemed engaging and funny and knowledgeable and passionate.

I liked one of the posters writing more than the other. He seemed funnier so I happened to check out some of the other work he did around the internet. This morning I went back to the page since I never finished (or started) the new writing I found. But now I have come to the realization that I may have found my long lost brother

1) His site name is The Assimilated Negro. Umm, hello? I'm an assimilated Negro.

2) Another one of his blogs is The Mets Are Better Than Sex. Ummm what?

So a black guy into good music and being funny that loves the Mets. Excuse me someone has stolen my identity. Or maybe those are just the illest characteristics you could find in someone.

Whoa

Talib Kweli - Hell (Def Poetry Jam)

Enjoy. Be enlightened.

Once Again

Right after I posted about all the good feelings I was in the midst of, I checked my phone to see if I had missed any communcation during my grooming work. There was a message from Mocha (who doubles as my supervisor) informing me that he was out for the day. Alright, no official panic.

So I jump on the internet to check e-mail just to prepare myself for the day. Another staff, a very good one, called out as well. Okay. A bit nervous. Oh wait our assistant program director set up group therapy groups for me. Wait, the next e-mail says that those were cancelled.

To recap: A supervisor and a strong staff are both out on the same day. That leaves me to run the shift with 3 staff and 15 boys. No visits or special activities that would rob me of kids for even a little

Prayer time. I don't remember what I said but I know I asked for patience and wisdom.

At the end of the day, no holds and no cool downs. Nobody even used the solution area. How awesome iis God. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. I did get help. One of the day staff stayed till 5 and the back end supervisor came out to help for about 4 hours. But even that is evidence of God's mercy.

And I was really proud of myself throughout the day. Kids kept moving. I never lost my cool even as one child threw snowballs at me (he later pinned a peer inside perfectly) or even when a boy left the hall and almost got to the back door before staff could stop him. I got to talk with kids. I just felt good. A different feeling. Maybe accomplished.

I know a lot of people look at our job as temporary, including me. But I really care about it I guess. I'm glad I had the experience at the very least.

8 Hours

So I actually got eight hours of sleep last night. i know this because Dr. Katz got turned on by 12:28 AM and I didn't make it through a 22 minute episode. And I woke up at 9:05 AM.

What's the verdict? Crazy amounts of energy (constant dancing, even while sitting). Pretty productive (couple of blogs, burning, playlists, design project). Actually ate.

This could be good on a more regular basis

Sad Realization

Being on MySpace changed my life.

In the past couple of months, major events have been either fueled by MySpace or greatly assisted. While my e-mail accounts pile up, still I peruse MySpace bulletins and pages in the empty pursuit of learning a shade more about people I mostly barely know. It has come to the point where I am sincerely disappointed if someone I am looking for does not have one. How will I know when someone's birthday here? Are they in a relationship or not?

I've seen people who didn't even mess with it start as bottom feeders with 20 friends that they might have actually known to MySpace pros with flashy backgrounds and friend numbers in the mid-triple digits. I look to the side and see that I am closing in on 3,000 profile views but also thinking that people who have been on for shorter periods have totally surpassed me. I'm not too hurt by the results. I'm a boy and my display name isn't flashy like "Mr. Breast Specialist" (I kid you not). (Quick shot out to Coffee Bean's boyfriend for coming to the site to check for any mention of your girlfriend and your collection of evidence that I am trying to woo your girl back into my arms. Your totally understandable behavior is entirely healthy and shouldn't be questioned. Thanks for bumping up my numbers.) My background is actually the tiling of a modern art painting and I have a Nitzsche quote as my headline. I get that I am not exactly the MySpace target demographic.

So why has it sucked me in? Probably because it is a form of information and I am an information junkie. And I like learning about people and in some small way I have. The levels of disillusion and insanity amongst the general populace are quite telling. So are the levels of alcohol consumed and sex thought about. It's funny how petty people can be. And the qualitative ranking of friends is either stupid, hard, a waste of time, or all of the above.

That's good ol' MySpace. As dangerous as it could be, I'm not sure I want it to disappear. Even though lots of my friends are barely in reach, they still are there. And in 10 years when I happen to see a picture of their kid and comment them on their beauty and congratulate them, I will have access to a moment that would have probably never happened. Connection continues and the circle of life moves on.

Maybe I just need to go back to sleep.

Obsession

I've probably touched on this subject before. It definitely occupies a lot of my time, consciously and not. I say this because it's kind of how I've consumed life until this point. I get obsessed about things and absorb them and then they dictate what I do from that point.

Currently I am at the apex of numerous obsessions. I've played a new song by Musiq 41 times in the four days its been in my possession. In the past two weeks, my combined liquor consumption over three separate nights exceeded that of the previous six weeks. I love Werther's Original Candy and I finish them by the bagful. So maybe its not obsession but gluttony, but aren't they related?

I do know that lately I have not been too obsessed with the future and how my life will play out. It's lovely to be so free of that obsession. Somewhere life just ceased to be so serious. I mean its still serious but I mean not to the point where I shut down if it didn't follow the course I would have wished. Breathing is beautiful. So is smiling.

Spring

The sun sets later (though I lost an hour of sleep)

I slept in just boxer briefs and a shirt last night and just needed one blanket

I can walk and get fresh air without putting a small department store on.

This is fantastic

Punxsatawney Pete is the man.

Prayer

is quite the amazing gift

Its power is inexplicable

The ways in which it is wondrous and useful are infinite.

Thank You Father so much for this precious gift.

Live From D.C.

So I am down here with Posh and her beautiful sister Precious (The other sister is Princess Bride. I thought alliteration would be cute). I came to see a Roots show. Blogging I'm sure will be sparse. It's been fun so far and will only get more fun. Peace out kids.

This Is What I Noticed

Last Sabbath, as I traipsed my parents' room in search of an iron, I noticed a New York Times Magazine sticking out from under a pile of assorted media. I immediately began to wonder how old the issue was. See my mother and father (in this specific case mom is to blame) are notorious packrats. I can remember as a child the scores of photos and magazines that accumulated. We eventually would have marathon thinning sessions and we were never untidy. But still we kept things far longer than they needed to be kept.

And its more than photos or magazines. I have enough clothes to fill a small Salvation Army Thrift Store. The CDs and DVDs might comprise a bargain bin at Best Buys. Plus I have bunches of artifacts I've accumulated from the boys at work that fill up my shelves. Not to mention a small library I intend to read.

But something else I noticed is that I am a packrat of emotions. Both mom and dad do this to some degree. Mom is more capable of regularly shedding herself of the emotions, though she suppresses for a time. Dad suppresses forever and usually explodes at some point. I'm in the middle more towards mom. I'm more able to get my feelings out regularly but then when it gets to the deeper ones they usually explode. I need to get in the habit of letting those go. Maybe if I had I would not be in the situation in which I am now.

Popcorn

The smell of burnt popcorn is very hard to expunge

On A March Sabbath

Just some quick notes during my day trip to the city

- iPods are great to drown out inane Spanish conversations and sassy Black mamas mad at all men.

- The whole defending your character thing from last week's Sabbath School discussion is making more sense. You really can't go out of your way. You can just act and do what you need to do and hope for the best.

- Getting a random compliment from a West Indian woman smoking a Newport is really fulfilling at 8 in the morning.

- How exactly does one approach an attractive young lady in the subway? Not that I was trying. (Reasons: It's Sabbath; Not ready for a relationship; How much can you learn about someone on the train?)

- I think I might have a chemical dependency on the city. As soon as I touched pavement, I swear there was an added jump to my step and a smile on my face. I actually have to work at containing it. Is this the most conducive environment for me to study? God will answer I guess.

- Moms are the best. Dads are pretty awesome too. Especially mine.

And now to get ready for church.

On Being Large

As I walked up the stairs with an entire load of laundry in my arm, I thought about how fortunate it is to be so big, at least in this circumstance. And then I started to wonder how different my life would be if I wasn't so tall. Like would kids respond to me if I wasn't so tall, and by some perspectives imposing? would I have made the same friends and encountered the same relationships if it weren't for my height?

All in all, I like being tall (Seuss-like rhyme kind of intended). I like not needing to be in front at a concert or knowing that wherever I sit in a theater that I will have a view of the performance. Being shorter than I am is definitely not a disadvantage. More clothing choices and such. But I think I'll keep all 75 and a quarter inches.