Witness

Once upon a time, I was a psychology major in college. It's been a blessing and a detriment. The blessing has come largely in my understanding of how people usually work, though processes and such. It also has taught me how things should theoretically be. That has also served to be a detriment, because with my overanalytical mind I constantly wonder what the hell is up with me.

The psychological field has to be one of the most cautious fields there is. The mind is the most important element in our lives for its level of functionality ultimately determines what we do. Making a an assertion about someone's mental state is serious business. Which is why psychologists are nore calculating than CSI in regards to the gathering of information because the smallest bits can color in the blanks of a person's picture. If you look into the DSM-IV, the manual mental health professionals refer to, to have an effective diagnosis for many of the disorders requires months of the same symptoms. Whereas a flu or AIDS can be determined by examination or a blood test, something like bipolar disorder takes months and years to conclusively be determined. You could be depressed for a week but that doesn't mean you need medication. Could just be that your goldfish died.

My question is where do I draw the line on myself. By most accounts, I possess an above-average pool of talent. I enjoy it at times, love using to help others. Sadly its those same others that are often befuddled by my stage in life or the fact that they even encountered me. There must be something else I should be doing, could be doing. And every once in a while, like now, I feel the same way. Sometimes I say it's a time thing and I am still blossoming. Sometimes I say I honestly enjoy where I am right now. And those are both true. But I also wonder why I am even here at this place right now.

Why do I have drafts of blogs that are mere outlines of what I want to espouse to a world that's not even listening? Why is my room in a constant state of disrepair, ranging from thunderstorm to Category 5 hurricane? Why does it take me so long to do the things that need to get done whether it be obtain a driver's license, write an essay, or even do my laundry? Yesterday was an all-star day by all accounts. I saw my good friend Undeniable after an extended absence and had fun helping her with her homework, relearning statistics on the fly. Three's Company got together, got dressed up, and crashed the prom at work where we were the coolest staff. I got to see my boys be real boys and just had a ball. Cherry (literally) on top was a wonderfully kind waitress who hooked me up with extra cherries and extended conversation when we returned with Uno and her man. So why did I wake up this afternoon after 10 hours of sleep with the vision of blue sky to this general malaise? You can understand why my brain circuitry has to come into question.

Am I scared? Am I stressed? I like to tell myself I'm not but maybe I am. I so just want to be. I want to be successful. But I really want to do and to follow through, regardless of whatever. I have such admiration for the people that go out and just do, or even step beyond and do what is unconventional. I'd love to be that.

Maybe my rebaptism into sportsdom is more of a blessing than I originally imagined. Over the past week, the world has been abuzz with talk of LeBron James and his arrival on the most premier of stages. You might scoff at the idea but there are parallels in our lives. He is obviously an amazing talent and has been highlighted and followed from his childhood. He jumped into the most advanced stage of his vocation at a young age and initially did well. But with his early years, you could see the indecision. While sitting on the bench, he has been seen practicing the nervous habit of chewing his nails. Critics have said he doesn't take the big shot and passes too often. And while his numbers were never totally off, he didn't produce the way people hoped he would. During that same period, he endeared himself to many, whether through his play or just sheer charming personality. But he disappointed a bunch, with what some have called distant play at times and underwhelming effort at grand stages like at the 2004 Olympics. Last week though, he put on a performance in which he scored his teams last 25 points and 29 of their last 30 in getting a win on the road in the favorite's arena. The next game was lackluster by his standards, but he was still the linchpin that sent his team to the Finals for their first trip in the franchise's history. Now Nike has plastered the world with ads saying "We Are All Witnesses."

So at a young age, I was highly regarded for my talents, though I just dunked homework and standardized tests. And at a young age, I went to one of the most advanced institutions. And while I was able to show off my promise at points, like being in student government, it has largely gone unrealized. Somehow over time, I've endeared myself to a couple as well either through that talent or something about my personality. But LeBron has given me inspiration. Something clicked for him and he found the moxie to complete his mission. The day he exploded, he showed up at the arena three hours early for practice, taking the time by himself to work himself out.

Now I must figure how I get on the game and explode on the talent I've been resting on for so long. But I'm ready for change. I'm ready for positivity. I'm ready to shake things up.

You gonna be my witness?

And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program

Since the wee hours of Monday morning, I have not had internet service. This is something that has been annoying at worst and pretty tolerable overall. Every once in a while I did have the notion to check for an important e-mail or search for some random item on the internet, but they weren't life or death so things were cool.

(I did wish I could have blogged a conversation me and Mocha had the other night on our way home. We were trying to figure out why music, video games, and DVD's were released on Tuesdays. How did they come upon this arbitrary day? Wouldn't it make sense to move it to Thursday? You beat the bootleggers. People would like to have it for their weekends. Who wouldn't love to test out the new game over the weekend or play that new CD on your vacation up the coast? It just makes sense. And we would get to hear new stuff much earlier. Just a thought brought to you by Mocha Latte.)

Today I got to go to the girls' program because they needed a male staff just in case this one particularly big girl had an issue. At first I was reluctant, but I eventually warmed to it after the lovely reception from the program coordinator and some of the girls I've worked with over there. Even though I played with Bratz dolls for most of the evening, it was a wonderful change of pace. I got to dance. I got to sing. I had fun. And the girls are more appreciative. I'm not sure if it's something that's natural or learned, but they are. They are just more expressive too. I think what would grind on me if I worked there regularly would be how often they are emotional, which is nightly. My boys aren't emotional that often and we usually respond to their physical outbursts. The emotions might come much later and with a whole other staff. But like Wu-Tang, I'm for the children and I'll work with either set.

The cool part of tonight was realizing how awesome music is. Banana skipped ahead on the Robin Thicke she was pumping on the way home to hear just one section of the song "Complicated." Just the simple way he sang this half bar of music tickles Banana just so. After it was over, it was on to the next track. Abrupt as it may seem, I am totally the same way. There's a bass lick at the end of the chorus in The Spinners "I'll Be Around" that always gets me.

Anyway that's all for now. More postings to follow since I am celebrating early Friday this week.

Woooooo

God is so awesome. I just feel it today.

It's been kind of a rough week. When I step back, things are overall great. But I guess there has been an unease all week. Even though I had a wonderful weekend, maybe its events have me thinking of things. Or actually wanting certain things to come true instead of just accepting what comes. And with wanting comes the threat of disappointment. And most definitely worry.

I just found out Northwestern has taken me off the wait list and deposited me amongst the hopeful and not the accepted. It hurts a bit. I was silently hopeful to go to a school with some more name recognition and the chance to be by my cousins would have been awesome. But the cousin thing we can fix by actually being proactive and planning and calling and visiting. And name recognition is nothing if you don't make the best of it. You can hustle that A anywhere.

I was upset. I think I am still slightly discouraged. I want to say fuck it all a little bit and be depressed and wallow in self-pity. But that's the coward's way out and I've been cowardly enough already. God is working in my favor. He does not want to see me fail. So He won't let me. I just need to keep believing. I'm praying He keeps my eyes open and my ears ready for what I should be doing in this life. I know He speaks to me. I know He does. I may sound like a raving lunatic but this is honestly how I feel. I believe in God.

I now get ready for work. The cherubs have actually been uplifting at points this week. Somewhat therapeutic. There's the Lord providing again. Off to shower.

Interesting Night

I just watched the lightning illuminate my room as if it was the sun. It's raining heavy now, but the moisture has kept the sun's heat trapped on earth which is making the air heavy. Even though the chance that I will get wet is high, my window still stays open for the random breeze that comes through that temporarily quells the slight discomfort. There was lightning again.

I still am enjoying the night. The warmth of the night plus the contrasting precipitation is very inviting. I wish I had a reason to go outside. For now I appreciate the thunder. And of course the music. I am currently in the midst of surveying random choices from my newer acquisitions. It's been a pretty enlightening day. For more information, I'm sure a posting will appear sooner rather than later regarding my choices. Know that it's been more pleasure than pain.

Currently the smoothness of J Dilla is contributing to my thoughts of the night. Our new boss had a theory that the waning moon had the whole campus in a frenzy.. In our hoouse my friend Testimony was bit in her hand and needed to go to the hospital. On her last day of work. Ever. Never had an injury before and has oneon her last day. We had to send staff to two other programs for stretches of the night. But it was still a good day. I feel as though I handled mine. I was proud of myself today.

Somebody's Manic

Yeah I'm laughing hysterically at the smallest of provocations. Just an update. I return to my ebullience. I leave you with two of the sickest goals in the history of soccer. Scary how similar they are. And that both players are Argentinian. And the goals happened like 20 years apart (The one on the right was last week). Enjoy

Comparatif Maradona - Messi
Uploaded by PeteRock

What I Took From The Cookie Jar

As I have mentioned before, I am a packrat, whether of emotions or actual things. In the process of straightening up, I rediscovered some fortunes from some fortune cookies I had eaten the other day. Now I save my fortunes because once upon a time I had the creative idea to make like a collage of all the saved fortunes. My own little piece of kitschy homemade art to take with me wherever I roamed. I even thought it could be like a series of periods in my life. Needless to say, there are a bunch on my dresser in addition to the empty blank CD case that's half full of them as well.

These three fortunes were pretty special though because the message taken together could be very interesting. The night I read them I was kind of spooked but I threw them off to the side away from all the other fortunes.

Now first one said, "Soon life will become more interesting." Okaaaaay. I'm going to be optimistic about that. But the next one said, "Enjoy yourself while you can." Yeah not so settled down now. Remember this is late at night and I am kinda sleepy. Then finally, the coup de grace, "School is a building which has four walls with tomorrow inside."

Just eerie. Eerie.

That Just Happened

One of the kids I work with just found my supervisor and myself on MySpace.



Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.


Exactly.

The Paranoia Will Destroy Ya

Luna asked me a question getting to know each other, mostly by phone. "What would you do if you won the lottery?"

My answer, as always, would be to tell my parents. Then sit on the cash.

"Would you tell anyone else?"
"Eventually."
"So you wouldn't even tell me?"
"I said eventually."

This is the moment where I realized I wasn't too normal. Not that I thought I was beforehand. But I guess I didn't think what I said was too crazy. But I guess it is. Most people I guess would definitely tell more people. It's not that deep for me.

I would like to avoid the pitfalls that seem to happen to multiple lottery winners. Plus I don't want a lot of people jocking me for my cash. And this is all hypothetical.

Which is when it hit me that I was totally insane and paranoid.

But what are you gonna do?