Maturity

Today I've experienced both extremes of the spectrum of this quality. For one I did not really awaken till 2:30 in the afternoon. And I have postponed doing anything of any productivity till well I haven't done anything yet. But I also had a talk with Coffee Bean for about an hour, our longest dialogue in quite some time. I feel though that I exhibited maturity naturally for the first time in a while and I am proud of it. It's a serious thing to realize that you love someone and there's nothing you can really do about it.

I've also decided that I will declare a time period where all the music I voluntarily listen to will be of a religious ilk. I say this because I've been watching the Boondocks for all my awake hours. But when I put on some Tonex I just got this jolt of God's goodness and I remembered how awesome he is. So there will be a time where I test my mood and everything. I find that I have been giving myself assignments so as not to make this blog boring like anybody reads it. Or maybe I don't want life to be boring. Or I just want to see what life is. Either way it should be informative.

The Third Wheel

So right now I am sitting on a couch in someone's campus apartment. The resident is currently alternating between webcam activities and bothering Bassline who is also here. Matter of fact, he's the reason I'm here in the first place.

I found him today, still physically hurting and we watched about 6 episodes of Chip 'N' Dale Rescue Rangers (which is an excellent show by the way). During our conversation, he revealed that his mother is enamored with the aforementioned resident, who happens to be a girl. A long time before his mother even realized she existed, he was attracted to her and she to him. But her forthright attempts were rebuffed for a myriad of reasons. Now those reasons have been mitigated or so he assures me.

But tonight he almost let her do his laundry. At the beginning of a possible courtship, especially one with maternal approval, touching of one's laundry can signify more than one wishes. Bassline finally overcame his laziness and agreed but as the identifier of the problem, I was volunteered to help defuse the situation.

So after I made up laundry to do and after an awkward 45 minutes in the laundromat, we find ourselves in this apartment. Bassline is cooking and she is doing her best to seem uninterested. She's failing miserably. But maybe she wasn't really trying at all.

I don't feel entirely uncomfortable. Even as I scribe away in my open phone I just feel like an audience at an off-broadway play (Thanks Jive Turkey for helping me realize the distinction).

Now they dance around each other with the silly banter reminiscent of a Jamaican version of When Harry Met Sally. This is fantastic.

Right now, he is accumulating an obscene amount of points because he is cooking. He is picking up even more because he is being himself throughout the whole ordeal. And that is a Jamaican. And that also is a jerk. And she's loving it. When they disagree over a cooking method, they give looks like they've known each other for a lifetime. Then he sings and she hums scales. It's absolutely delicious. (I didn't realize my voyeuristic tendencies until now) I don't know why I find this so entertaining, but it is absolutely wonderful.

Maybe I'll read this account at their wedding sometime.

There I go jumping the gun again.

Welcome To The Show

My life is a series of motion pictures I've decided.

Lady Godiva and I are collaborating on a screenplay amongst other things. I think we have mutually agreed to the title "Smirk" though nothing's in stone yet. I have to figure out how to work in a new element to the screenplay: the idea that one person is awake for 12 hours to contemplate a very interesting proposition fraught with potential exuberantly high levels of despair and happiness while the person who actually suggested it gets to go to sleep and will probably never think of it again. Difficult I know.

In the other TV show, me and Bassline once again had an extended outing centered on food and we went from our usual women talks to those of politics to women in politics to the idea of focus groups for pick up lines ( I have a clever one involving a cell phone).

The soundtrack includes McCoy Tyner is all I know. Peace out homies.

At Least The Sex Was Good

So said Drizzle during our late night/morning conversation. I don't know why that was so pleasing or that even now I'm still getting a sustained chuckle out of it. Am I wrong to be proud of such a statement as I am trying to successfully retire my phallus until (if) the Lord sends a suitable candidate to be my wife? Most likely.

I still take pride in it. Once my libido rises, it is quite the beast. So I'm proud of the fact that I brought pleasure to someone else in that realm. I always know that it is easy for me to get off. If you hug me the right way, I achieve a state of tumescence that few can match. My dedication to the satisfaction of my partner is so high that most times I don't even get off because I'm so distracted trying to make her happy. I hope I can maintain that devotion in case a wife comes along (no pun intended). Until then, I reside happy in the fact that one person thought I was a worthwhile mate.

Astro Update: Focused

So I totally forgot that yesterday was supposed to be a day of focus. I really need to find that book again cause I don't actually remember what type of focus I was supposed to have. Was it just a general focus? Love? Career? Who knows?

All I know is that yesterday was a good day. I was focused in prayer. And I didn't scurry away from going to the altar call like I often do.

I wonder if the power of the stars rests in how much weight you give them in the first place. Like did I unconsciously slip into depression just because I read that I was supposed to be in a funk that I am supposedly coming out of tomorrow? Will I make a serious attempt to be "playful" just cause it's in the back of my mind?

Can the horoscopes really be a method through which God can speak to you?

These are the questions that have really been prompted in my mind. I hope I get answers soon.

24/7

I realized that I am about to be 24 years old and 7 months

And I am quite a unique and interesting individual. Witty, charming, caring, intelligent.

I randomly scream and jump around. Most times I do silent screams so as not to bring attention to myself. The exubearance is there nonetheless. And a lot of the time I wonder why I forget that exuberance and happiness. So this is an attempt to catalog it. There's no way I could ever portray everything that goes on up there in the cranium. I wish I had a thought recorder cause the spurts are so random.

There's so much going on in my head. But I know ultimately I really am happy and it's also a matter of choosing to be.

I could stand to put some more weight on my frame but that's a small matter in the grand scheme of things.

But God is so good. And he's kept me so far for some reason. I'm just praying I keep moving in the right direction with his help.

How's Your Day Going?

Today I woke up in the midst of an existential crisis

So I went to my roof and prayed. Maybe it's because I've been reading this book that focuses on a Muslim girl from Bangladesh and her acclimation to western society but nonetheless I did it.

But after that point everything seemed to go rather smoothly. I went to church and was inspired by elected officials. I went to the altar and calm rushed over my body. I heard a great sermon. I took it in stride when I felt amazingly old as I watched a child who used to follow me around get baptized and then had a semi-grown witty conversation with his college bound sister. And another child who has since forgotten me but has grown so much and so beautifully.

I was charming and it was a great day. Or should I say it is a great day.

I feel much more optimistic than the maudlin mood I inhabited yesterday. Hopefully the rest of the day goes just as well

The Day The Boy In Me Died

Today I woke up and I so did not want to leave bed. It might have had something to do with the fact that I went to sleep at 4 in the morning but hey. When I finally did wake up I was talking to Lady Godiva online when my phone rang with my mom calling to remind me to pick up my Dad at his doctor's appointment. I hoped she was calling to say she would do it but I was not so lucky. Or maybe I was lucky.

As I went to pick him up, I found myself not going googly eyed over the displays of flesh in the city. I took particular note of this because it was troubling. I am a big fan of flesh, especially the legs (or gams as I prefer) that are on prominent display so for me not to even like get whiplash over the many that I noticed or even obsess over the visions I did get was kind of offputting.

So dad was high after his procedure and he was talking like his head was up his ass which he made note several times that the doctors didn't find it there. Amidst a white receptionist who kept bringing up a bad Jamaican accent and mentioning the entire unique Jamaican cuisine, there I was thinking about how they linked diabetes with Alzheimers and I wondered if this was a glimpse to my future. Then I treated him to breakfast where I had to repeat myself every time I spoke due to my low voice and his bad hearing. We came home after weird small talk and watched golf.

I found out someone born in the same year as me is willingly having a baby after being married for like six months. I'm happy as all hell but also discombobulated too. Cat born in the same year as me, who I partied with, is bringing forth child. It's tripping me out.

But I jetted onto the street and did my New Yorker thing to a T. Hit up Century 21, hopped back on a train, and got into my movie literally as the credits had started. I was quite pleased with myself and wondered if that was God's way of telling me to return to the city. (A Scanner Darkly: Amazing visuals, awesome acting, crazy story. All in all a good flick)

I went home just as the Lord opened the heavens. I showered and went to the post office to pick up something. Then I decided to see if this show was going to happen. As I went to the Brooklyn Bridge Park, I just walked out to the railing in the midst of the thunderstorm and just looked out for like 20 minutes in the rain. I had this weird feeling that I wished I was in the water. I don't know why.

As I walked back contemplating how I would turn my maudlin day into a story or something creative, it all hit me. Today was the 21st. A day I swear more and more the Lord will always be giving me something extra special. When I got home I was restless and decided I would search for a calling card to call Lady Godiva and get some ice cream. In my travails, I went from the ghetto to the hipsters to the aristocrats. And at the end of it, like a movie, there was the sun greeting me at the Brooklyn Heights Promenade. It was so beautiful I wanted to cry. It was like God put the sun on its own coaster of clouds. And funny enough the rain stopped then too.

I went and got my ice cream and then I came home. Funny how this is turning out to be not as depressing as I hoped it would be when I first thought I would write this post. Worship was quite the blessing. I got to extrapolate my favorite verse (Romans 12:12) and found more than I realized was there. Mom dropped some more genius on me. I really can't complain about life.

I've discovered I'm a lot more paranoid than I'd like to be. When objects move in my periphery I get startled. Sometimes I imagine things moving. I think. I have no idea where I'll be working in a month. I have oodles of baby names and love but I wonder if I'll ever get to use it. But I feel today was a turning point. I feel like growing up. I didn't stick it out in the rain like the young fan I would have been last week just to see a performance I really didn't care about. I really am sad I called out of work on Wednesday. I miss my boys. I don't know what this post is anymore. Thank God it's Sabbath. Help me Lord to put myself together. This is almost unbearable

Astro Update: Romance

So yesterday was supposed to be my best day for romance and also a day I was supposed to keep my thoughts to myself. I totally forgot. Was an invitation from Banana for her friend to pick me up a missed opportunity? Should I have used more persuasive words with Coffee Bean? When Special K said she smelled like me was there some clever response that I could have made? I think in that case my more bawdy thoughts were best kept to myself. And romance at this point is something I really should have no interest in. After talking with Lady Godiva (the amazing the talented) I have realized just how broken I am. It's amazing that the shortest and most immature of my relationships is the one that has wounded me the deepest. I honestly pine for that girl but I am slowly coming to realize that this is seriously unhealthy. She doesn't care about me at all. I'm just a repository for her boredom and frustrations. It kills me. I think I've died a thousand deaths in the past 3 months. The stars so far are having a losing battle of all this mess.

Yeah I Know

So this comes out today talking about a voter initiative so one lucky voter wins a cool mil. With better odds than powerball, why not? Initially I was very much in favor and working on getting my absentee ballot from New York. But now after 2 minutes of thought it does seem kind of unseemly "bribing" voters to vote. Ideally voting should be an experience you undertake with the idea that you might make some lasting influence on your environment. Whatever. You decide. And I use "you" liberally.

Quote Of The Day

"Turn off the light. The light is irritating my back!!!!!!!!" - SG, 7-year-old @ work.

I love my job

Sometimes

My Saturday

Today could have been called pleasantly surprised day.

For the first time in months I attended church in Massachusetts. I was pleasantly surprised that the sermon was actually coherent and applicable. Pastor Mo saves his best stuff for when the students are away. Philippians 1 is a good chapter.

Then I went over to my old apartment to bite the bullet and pick up this movie I promised one of the boys at work I'd bring to him. I actually spent like three hours there chilling with the Princess Bride (who will need a new name considering she is no longer a bride) setting up a MySpace page and just dishing. And I remembered why I always loved spending time around their family. Pleasant surprise.

Then Bassline called and we did some laundry. And once again we had our soon to be trademark long meandering yet fulfilling conversation over the course of 4 or so hours. Now catalogued in our relationship is our affinity for women's calves which I believe I spoke about on my old blog. Plus we went through the suckiness of actually having premarital sex and what the possible consequences for the rest of our lives are. From lighthearted to totally stupid to deep. All fulfilling.

And now I go to sleep ready to face off against the kids. Not remorseful over the fact that I am not marching. Loving life.

That MySpace Beast

So I am randomly reading articles, trying to forget that there are muscles on my body that I forgot existed that are screaming out in pain even as I type this when Messenger alerts me that I have new MySpace comments. Sadly, MySpace as inane and unproductive as it is, these little messages spark enthusiasm in me. Immediately I'm trying to figure out who it is. Could it be the Special K who I just dropped a comment on myself? A long lost friend just saying hi? The possibilities are endless.

So imagine my surprise when both comments were from the same person, someone I talk to umm let me check, never. Okay sparingly. But still. And furthermore, one of the comments was a graphic that said "Made In The Ghetto." The other comment said "I thought you would appreciate this."

What?!?!??!

Anyone that knows me knows that the only thing the ghetto makes me is frustrated. I lived close to the ghetto but I only ventured into its outskirts to get haircuts as a child. So her comments baffled me to no end. Could she have placed them on my site by mistake? I would hope so but the fact that she did two back to back makes me think it was purposeful.

I predict MySpace will add a whole new level of psychoses onto this generation, especially regarding social cues. With the inclusion of a Top Friends feature, feelings are bound to get hurt over the inclusion and non-inclusion of individuals. Once again I find myself dealing with a conundrum. A beautiful girl I went to school with but only randomly reconnected with at a birthday party for a mutual friend last year has me in her Top 8. I kept checking each day to see if it was a mistake, but each day I found myself thoughtfully looking away on her page. And she did drop a comment on me recently. Could this be an invitation to something more? Maybe in that brief connection last year she hoped for something more from our relationship. How is one to proceed? Well I just put her in my Top 16.

And that's the thing. There's a dude I hung out with last year while he was at our school and I am in his Top 8 or 12 as well. Out of courtesy, I felt inclined to include him in mine. Then there is the order of the thing. After the first 5 or so, I stop caring. But the teeny boppers and the ones who still maintain that level of thinking are bound to get hurt in their perceived orders. "Why am I number 6 and Amber is number 3? What about spring break?"

Is life really worth all this stress. I swear human beings look for ways to get themselves riled up and get angry about things that really have no real influence in the way they live their lives. Anyway, I need to catch up on my MySpace bulletins

Super Nova: Not So Much

Yeah nothing really happened yesterday. No new real feelings. No magical unicorn to save me from indifference. The stars are not exactly winning the battle right now. Go God!!!!

Did I Just Do That?

Can someone tell me why I just applied to be a Management Assistant for Euro 2008, the European football championships? Maybe the supernova will give me an answer by today.

Super Nova Day

Not so much so far. The stars are quickly being relegated to silliness. I actually went to sleep before midnight last night and woke up only at about 8:45 for good, yet I am tired as all hell. Maybe it will pick up later but at this rate I don't think so.

Ummm What?

Today was a topsy turvy day if there ever was one. I swore in front of kids. I danced like an idiot. I chased kids with my camera like some overenthusiastic father. And I had all this weird interaction I can't make sense of. That supernova day tomorrow is going to be a doozy if it was anything like today.

Astro Update: Chickens, 4th - 28th

So that chicken thing. If it was the whole chill thing with Banana, then I guess I should have counted the chickens because i chilled with her every night this week. Tonight will probably be my first night sans Banana. But that's all it is. She made it clear she's not ready for a relationship. Even though I was starting to develop minor low grade feelings, I realize that I'm not in a relationship ready mode either. Funny that even though I've pretty much abandoned God in the last week, he still keeps setting me up so that I don't mess up my path.

The July 4th - 28th aspect of these predictions is quite a doozy because 1) That's a pretty big time period and 2) There is a lot of stuff in the prediction. First of all there were supposedly relationship issues last month that have loose ends that should be tied up by the end of this period. Maybe that self-unaware trait is coming through but I'm not aware of any relationship issues. The focus is on interpersonal communication and love. That could be true becasue I have been texting Banana like a bandit and I got an unexpected text from Drizzle last night which was followed by an hour long phone call. This is the first correspondence we've had since our mutual friend's wedding in January. To take a word from another part of the prediction, it was refreshing. It was nice to talk to somebody that I had forgotten it was a great joy to talk to. She noticed when my "hmmm"s were pregnant and used the same word. Such a beautiful girl. If only I wasn't so scared when I had her, I might be in a completely different place.

Whoa this is becoming a totally different post than what it was intended. Coffee Bean and I finally connected but so far its been a grand total of like 30 minutes. She sounds well but exhausted. Still I guess it is premature seeing that today is only the 7th. I eagerly anticipate this Super Nova Day on Monday. Even though I know nothing special will happen, it would be nice to think I could be a super hero for a day and see no wrong come my way.

Whatever

Job Searching Sucks

That's basically the post. I don't like it. I don't like cover letters. Can't I just send my resume and be done with it? Why can't they just realize that I am the shit? I need not prove it. I work hard and I just want enough scratch to eat, see a concert every once in a while, and support my generosity habit. Is it too much to ask? Living should not be this taxing. I need to get back to that prayer thing I was doing more often.

Natural

I think I might have a natural high. I have not eaten anything all day and still I feel as though I can dance and sing and do whatever. Maybe that life-enjoyer comment about my birthday is true, totally throwing a wrench in debunking the stars' theory. Lately I find myself just smiling without any sort of impulse. Even laughing to myself for no apparent reason. Most of the time I enjoy it but for brief moments I question if I am okay. Like maybe this is just the first step into some serious mental illness. That would be pretty unfortunate since I actually seem to be assembling my life into something that doesn't resemble a barren wasteland of unfulfilled potential. I think instead of looking for a job I'll find out if I can be the subject of a clinical study at Harvard or something

Now I'm Dreaming About Them

Just as I had bragged to my soon-to-be former co-worker Banana that I don't dream about the kids we work with, I have a doozy of a dream last night. Seems I absconded with two of our higher functioning boys and took them to New York. They loved it and a good time was had by all. Then I woke up at like 4 in the morning in the dream and realized that we had to go back and acted as though no one would have missed them. Very surreal. I guess it's better than dreaming that one of your co-workers would be hacked to bits by the kids. Poor Banana

I Am Simba

Only son of royal couple who runs away from responsibility at the same time his father experiences a fall from grace. I think I am Simba. Now we understand why that's one of my favorite movies.

Timon and Puumba are probably Boy Wonder and Socrates, encouraging but not enough. Though they are my boys till the end.

Mom is Sarabi, still struggling at home but managing to survive.

But who is Nala who comes to wrest me from my insouciance? And where is Rafiki to fix me and send me in the right direction? Scar must be my future, so when will I go to battle with him.

At least I know that there is a happy ending. But when will I raise my own offspring in front of the Pride Land?

Astro Update: Count The Chickens

Yeah so I worked all day today so I don't know what chickens were too be counted before they hatched. Maybe its that my co-worker Banana may want to chill with me, so technically it hasn't hatched so I can depend on it.

I don't know. It's the genius of horoscopes cause they are so vague you can apply them to anything. Whatever. Maybe I'll call unsavory associates and procure substances that might make me see chickens I can count.

Whoa Did He Just Say That?

Okay so one of my boys just said that I should adopt him. He has whims of fancy but I knew he was serious this time around. Funny that if I won the lottery I would adopt him too. Most of the time I can understand why most of the other staff don't take the time to put up with him. He's oppositional defiant. Quick trigger and everything. But when he slows down and he's one on one. he's a really great kid. Plus I love his sister. I wish I could win Powerball and take both of them. But life is not how things should be. They shouldn't have such fucked up situations in the first place. I'm glad though that he feels comfortable enough to say that. It makes me feel like what I'm doing isn't in vain.

Red Stripe

I just saw the funniest commercial ever. (Yes I know it's the Sabbath but I am reviewing Psalm 119 as I watch Portugal v. England)





Whoever thought of this ad campaign is a genius