Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I Have Never

.....appreciated the word rest more in my life than in this solitary moment.

Thank God for Mocha (formerly Latte. Seems that's really me. And it actually makes more sense that way)

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Go There Young Man

Eventually I knew it would happen where something I posted on my media blog would fit into my more off the top musings. This is one such posting.

Enjoy.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Yeah So....

Sitting in a solution area with two kids at school in extended detention until 6:30 pm is not my idea of fun. Especially because one of them is especially crazy and loses any sense of focus at the drop of a stray hair.

Bonus though: Uninhibited use of the computer so I've caught up on actually reading newspaper articles and such. And I have developed a crush on Jennifer Hudson. She just seems so dope. And fine too.

Okay its time to go back to the program.

Man I'm gonna miss the heat of this place.

Yesterday: The Chronology

Sunday, February 25, 2007
12:00 am - In the process of getting hammered at the house of Coffee Bean's friend. Karaoke, Guesstures, and Jello shots abound

12:05 am - Joke with Godiva's ex about the Cosmic Shame and such as we view five girls between the ages of 21 - 23 lose their minds to 80s hits

1:00 am - Finally leave said gathering

1:19 am - Totally embarass myself by blowing out my knee on a coffee table in front of The Bahene's mother

1:25 am - Collapse for the night as I listen to the Classical playlist on my iPod

3:45 am - Time of two alleged phone calls that woke up everyone but me. I feel sorry for the poor sap for calling Godiva at that time of night. Thankful to Peurto Ricans everywhere for helping me maintain my sleep.

6:10 am - Time I jump out of bed as The Bahene ask if I am awake. Seems I can sleep through my cell phone alarm too.

6:15 am - Call work to tell them that I'll be late to find that my supervisor has already called out. Panic rises.

6:45 am - Mortified at conditions at work after reading shift reports over the internet

7:00 am - What work? Pass me more French Toast

7:25 am - Begin to leave

7:35 am - Prayer

7:37 am - Awkward goodbye with the Bahene's grandmother

7:45 am - Finally off

7:50 am - First CD change

8:11 am - Second CD change

8:26 am - Adam plugs iPod in Sheeba's ears and corrects words

8:51 am - Want to sleep so bad

9:24 am - Want to sleep worse

9:46 am - Back to the radio as Coffee Bean & I talk about our faults, mine mostly it seems

9:49 am - Godiva calls and is put on speakerphone. Good times

10:11 am - Realize how good God is because he gave us alertness in our travels, even sending Jerusha's phone call to keep our spirits and energy up.

10:25 am - Gangstarr (Godiva's ex) regales us with tales of his expanding business empire. Plug for dubrepublic.com here

10:40 am - Arrive at work to find that I cannot open my mouth. Two holds have occurred. One kid defecated in the solution room. And one of your stronger staff is at another program. Hooray.

11:00 am - Finally use the bathroom like I intended when I first arrived

11:30 am - Slurring words like no one's business

11:45 am - FInd out from co-worker that our superiors think that we let things go.

11:46 am - Seethe into a fury

11:50 am - Man how am I busting my ass to get to work as early as possible only to find that someone doesn't think I do the damn job right. You just can't win.

1:00 pm - Pretty quiet. Gain some perspective on the administration thing. Not worth being stupid over.

2:15 pm - Randomly call Luna because I honestly missed her

3:30 pm - Boys spontaneously erupt into game of Duck Duck Goose which evolves into Musical Chairs.

4:49 pm - Hyper children after activity maim each other with stolen items. Loud for about 15 minutes

5:30 pm - Quiet again

6:30 pm - Child finally leaves for a visit. Amazingly quiet

7:30 pm. - Child returns. After having Coke. Proceeds to attack two children while another one was off the hall. Tackled twice by two different children and also pinched by another.

8:30 pm. - Children finally going to sleep. Three boys in solution and two boys in their rooms for the rest of the night. They get their own special e-mail

10:33 pm - Finish two emails. Send shift report home so I can work on it there.

10:59 pm - Arrive home.

11:15 pm - Bullshit for a while

11:30 pm - Start working on shift report

11:31 pm - Checking out lyrics for obscure song on my mind

11:35 pm - Working earnestly on my craft

12:37 am - Finish & Send after intermittently bullshitting

12:42 - Send another e-mail

12:48 am - Open Post

1:16 am - Publish

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Cosmic Shame

Man I was just fucking born with it son.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

On The Road

Coffee Bean came to pick me up with The Dub Rep so we could go surprise Lady Godiva for her birthday. Of course their call to let me know they were outside actually aroused me from slumber. Luckily I had already knew what I was going to wear and I threw it on just as wrinkly as it was. I grabbed the essentials I could think of and was out the door in 10 minutes. I fell asleep before we even got back on the highway.

So after a quick stop at McDonald's we were actually still early enough for Sabbath School. I don't even make Sabbath School when I'm at home and my mom runs our church's version. Jerusha loved it and also told us she kind of knew. And then my battle to keep my eyes open was on. Sabbath School was good. Sparring with stubborn middle-aged West Indian men is always enthralling. The mix of intelligence and assuredness is always a party. And though they are respectable, you know that there is always the potential for a fiery explosion. The mix really hasn't been matched by anyone else.

The sermon was alright. Its redeeming factors were twofold: 1) the title "The Heavenly Breadmaker" sounds like a bad mixtape title so I amused myself for the rest of the day screaming it like a DJ at random intervals and, 2) the quote "A marriage of convenience is destined for hell." I found that to be quite poignant

Of course I was treated to a lovely dinner with the Alberts. Their dad said random things that made me amused. Now we chill and listen to music. Just marking it down for the record. I've run out of things to say.

Interesting How God Works

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28 (NLT)

Today I accompanied Banana to Boston to pick up her sister at the airport. We were surprised when her boyfriend-in-flux stepped off the plane with her. Banana sure wasn't expecting it which means I definitely was. As we went to get the car, we tried to wrap our heads around the secrecy and just his presence. And we discussed the merits of the relationship as well. On our ride back, we talked about Banana's oldest sister & my other housemate (still trying to decide on a nickname. I feel a breakthrough soon) and her relationship. Her boyfriend is over at the house often enough but not too much so they were discussing the prospects and such. Finally after we dropped her off, we discussed Banana & I discussed her middle sister and then it went to her in flux situation as well. With all the talk of relationships, I should have known something was up.


And so it ends where it begins. I just visited Luna's MySpace page and it was totally official. Her status has been happily set to "Single" and my place on her page has been knocked down a bit. I fielded the call about six hours ago. After we exchanged pleasantries, she blurted out that she couldn't do it any more. And my reaction was...

"Okay."

No tonal inflections. Nothing resembling emotion really. It caught her by surprise I believe. I think she was expecting an extended conversation about the relationship and what it entailed. Maybe she wanted to hear me present an argument for why she should wait me out. And I kind of did but honestly I probably made more of a case for her original assertion. At our particular stations in life, it just doesn't make sense. We had hit a bit of stagnation, where I was happy to circle the runway whereas she was ready to take off. Plus, she is trying to determine her course in life. What sense does it make trying to navigate your first serious relationship as well? More so, I need to find a way to work through my more mercurial sensibilities, something I wish she hadn't seen so soon.

So there I was. Quickest and most amicable separation you can think of. She even called back cause it was so seamless. She wasn't sure everything was cool. But it was. We agreed to be friends and such and keep progressing in that direction. And like I said to her, it could be "not now" as opposed to "not ever." All the initial feelings that I felt and the connection that we had/have was not fabricated. But I can't help but tell you I felt good. Not cause I wanted to be rid of her. Far from it. But I guess there was a burden on me that I didn't even realize. I'm very protective of the feelings of the people I care about, especially the ones I can directly influence. So as I prayed that I could switch it up in time to save us, I guess the prayer was answered differently. Glad she took the initiative to do something that I was not brave enough to admit it to myself.

So there's me. I guess it was trying at points. During the past month or so I have schucked off most of the advances of being social. Just one of those times I guess. The most I've done is hang around the house with Banana and her sister (man I really need to get that nickname) with the occasional trip to the movies. And sadly she got caught up in my self-imposed seclusion. That burden is gone and I just felt...good about it. Not exactly jubilation. That seeems crude. But just comfortable with the way things settled.

But I checked her blog and I was saddened that I wasn't in her shout list. I'm pretty sure she wanted me to be on there and I wanted to as well. At some point I was on track to be so. I hope I haven't strayed too far from the path to make it on that list eventually. Now I look to my wrist and see her wristband I can't help but feel some regret. Should I have dug in deeper and fought it out? Should I have been more proactive with my emotions?

Oh second guessing is not going to help anything. I think that the amazing connection was so powerful it propelled us a little faster than was necessary. We probably shouldn't have dated at all or at least not as early. Once again for clarification, I loved dating Luna. But I have a feeling that I just wasn't ready yet and that I should have let the friend thing progress more fully. I told myself that everything was different this time and this would be the exception to the rule. Probably should have let things marinate a bit more before I jumped in heart first. You live, you learn though.

Now I'm at the end of my third straight 6-month relationship (like literally 6 months and a day) and a sense of worry starts to set in. I look at my two older cousins and watch them as they drift deeper and deeper into bachelorhood in their 30's. Here they are smart and black and put together but they keep on going single. Now if it's choice or dearth of options is questionable but still it exists. And all my Dad's younger brothers and sisters still remain single though they remain the situation. So here I am at 25, an African-American male who also is relatively religious in a very obscure religion of Seventh Day Adventism who maintains above average intelligence, a seriously monitored eccentricity, and can be difficult and moody at times. Did I mention that my college days are behind me and that is when a signifcant amount of nuptial hookups occur. Can someone see why worry has set in? Easily the one thing I can say I've always wanted a family. And to think that it just might not happen is seriously disheartening. But I guess all I can do is....

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" - Romans 12:12 (NIV)

Thursday, February 22, 2007

It's Official

I am a bum. But I really don't mind. As I write this I realize that this is truly the beginning of my weekend. I might have woke up only 6 hours ago and I might have accomplished little, except for one thing (but even that was not totally in my control). But most Americans I figure lounge around for some part of their weekends. Just so happens that mine started on a Thursday.

Hooray for me.

At 1:12 P.M.

...I woke up. That had to be like 12 hours of sleep only interrupted by my cell phone at 11 a.m. reminding me that there are two birthdays I need to remember tomorrow (Hicksican Jew & Lady Godiva) and finally the country music accompanying my roommate as she paints. Yeah that was delicious.

Like my body feels hurt from sleeping so much.

Oh but its the good kind of hurt. And the best R & B songs of the 90's are great friends too.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Best Day Ever

14 hours on 3.5 hours of sleep.....

Late because my usual ride was in the hospital with his mom....

But guess what? No holds. No cool downs. No solution area period.

And we all had fun all day. Might have helped that the boys were on vacation and 5 of them weren't in the house and Banana helped out at our program all day. But whatever. We had fun. We even went sledding. One kid got injured but even he handled it well. (Update: One day later - Turns out he broke his jaw. He didn't even complain about pain until the next morning. That kid is brave. And he's only 7!!!!!) They got to stay up late and we had no issues when it was time to go to bed. It's so easy to focus on how evil the children can be, but you rarely get to highlight when they do well, and when you do well as well.

It'll probably all end tomorrow when cabin fever sets in but let's be positive for once. Kinda. Yeah!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Lovely Day

Well the title sums it up. It was just truly excellent. I can never overestimate how great it is to wake up at 11:30 am and still get a fulfilling church service in. Thank you Hanson Place for streaming. And they're better than the church experiences I would have up here. Man even though it was a guest speaker it was the springboard to my own personal revival. I used my roommates absence to bump my music super high and just have a praise ceremony. Man I was crying and carrying on for an extended period. It felt so good for my soul, I couldn't tell you.

After this amazing discovery, I accompanied Banana to see her get her labret (under your lip) pierced. It was really quick actually and looked quite painless except for the nick in Banana's chin that the dude happened to make. It's all cool.

Then we came back here and were chilling with her sister/my other roommate (man I need a nickname) and her boyfriend. Good times. Great oldies.

I like it here.

But I mean not that much. Y'all know what I mean

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Would You Look At That

The day was exasperating for a number of reasons. I was running shift. The children were being as subversive and crafty as they could be. And I was following some questionable orders from the higher-ups. I really wasn't doing too well.

And it showed. For while I poured meds, my co-worker Testimony peeked over the window and started to talk about things. And I realized we were on the same page. I remember when she first came to observe. I thought she would last three months tops. We were head resident assistants of our respective dorms at the same time and I knew her personality. Plus she is rail thin. But she stuck it out and does an amazing job.

And it was nice to hear the reassurances, especially since we were connecting by referencing our shared reverence for God, a quality absent in most of our co-workers. So God sends blessings everywhere. I'm glad he gave me a friend from the most unexpected of places.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Pain In The Sweet Spot

So recently, it has come to my attention that my ass hurts. A lot. No really. Whenever I am sitting down, it just starts to get sore. I really have sleep on my side to make sure that my buttocks don't get any unnecessary contact. Even now as I type, my gluteus maximus is warning me to lay off of it. When did this happen? When did one of my most prized treasures begin to rebel against me?

Then I realize I've been on it for far too long. COngrats on the law school apps but there's still legwork to be done. And there's just everything in life. I've been sitting on my ass for way too long. I need to get back in a system. Some discipline is necessary if I am going to reach the levels I am capable of attaining. So now we are going to get things headed in the right direction. I owe it to myself. I deserve it.

I'm praying more.
I'm going to follow through on what I say and start.
I'm going to call people more often.
I'm working out for goodness sakes.
I'm letting go of all the excuses.

Hustle That A

Fanatic

As I was watching Sportscenter which bled into NFL Live, I realized how much of a sports head I used to be. I could name players in a range of sports, their positions, their colleges (if they had any), whatever you could think of. Somehow in recent years it slowly eroded to the point where I was a casual fan. But because of my job and the need to have common conversation at certain intervals, my interest has slowly come back. Today as I laid on the couch and intently watched a Lindsey Harding drive during a Duke-UNC women's basketball game I realized how much I loved sports At one point sports watching and reading were #1 on the list of things to keep Adam happily occupied. I guess music slowly took its place. Now let's see if we can find some happy medium.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

The Boob Tube

From a young age, I was mesmerized by that electronic visual box found in most American homes. From a young age, I sought it out not only for entertainment, but also education on a range of subjects that fueled my discovery of so many other things I treasure. While other's clamored for video games and independence, I was only interested in observing as much television as I possibly could.

I probably reached my apex in the year I took off from Yale. That was when HBO and NBC ruled each year's Emmy showcase and all the shows were quality. Hell even Saturday Night Live was a must see weekly event. But as I kept going through my college years and my accesss to regularly scheduled tv diminshed, I developed a taste for other things, especially music and writing.

So it has been an unexpected surprise to just chill and watch some tv for a little bit. At first it was a procrastination method for my law school prep. Then it became my reward for completing that very same prep. Then it was also used as roommate bonding time, which I truly appreciate.

But I now remember what makes television so compelling. It's the connection with the current state of affairs. It seems so fresh and I'm not talking about the reality shows. It's ability to captivate us and ask us to come back week after week, sometimes day after day, is amazing. I don't think I will ever watch as much television as I did in that two year span following my initial withdrawal from Connecticut, but I know that it will sstill be my most trusted solace in my days, a reminder of a time when I watched Romper Room and learned colors and shapes and alls orts of lovely things.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Just...Just...Just...

speechless

there is no way to describe what is happening.

like she replied and wants to get to know me too.

i don't know where this will go.

but just tears of joy.

it might mean a whole lot more to me than to her.

i have no idea but it just means so much that i'm not sure i comprehend it.

(intentional lack of capitalization)

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Did I Just Do That

Okay so I was doing my usual MySpace wandering since of course its the morning and I don't want to do anything that resembles productivity. On a whim, I decided to look for my sister online. I thought that it would be a shot in the dark. She probably wouldn't even go by her name.

But there she was.

And I friend requested her.

It will be interesting to see how this develops.

Perhaps I have discussed why this is deep. See I didn't know she was my sister until we were like 11 or 12 and since then I've seen her like maybe 4 or 5 times. That whole privacy thing I realize more and more I derive from Dad. Last time I was home, I happened to be logging him off the computer when I saw a recent picture of them together in his e-mail which means he's been seeing her regularly. Now this doesn't bother me in the slightest. Matter of fact, I encourage it. But if I understand why I keep things secret, then I understand Dad. I think sometimes you just don't want to addres things and conjure up awkward and/or hard feelings. But I've longed for a relationship with her for some time with varying degrees of commitment. Obviously never committed enough if I'm waiting till we're 25 and using MySpace as a device. But the Lord provides things in our lives for multitudes of reasons so I'll proceed from here and see where it takes me.

This is shaping up to be an intense year.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Singing

I was just around the house cleaning up a bit with my iPod in. Now I'm feeling pretty fatigued these days, for what reason I have not identified as yet. But because of my mood, I just felt like singing. So here I am with an 80 GB iPod 90% full and I couldn't identify one album from my past that I would want to listen to so that I could sing without hitting the skip button too often. I just felt more sad.

As much as I love hip-hop, there was a point in my life where it split pretty much equal time with the songs. Even if hip-hop was technically listened too more often, I still felt the singing much more deeply. And now my brain is so warped that I cannot even remember. The days where I had to bite my tongue on the subway to keep myself from looking like Tyrese in that ancient Coke commercial are long gone.

So February will be the month where I give up the rhymes (except for the Christian variety). It's a haphazard decision, but one I intend to keep. My love of hip-hop will never dissapate but my soul is not feeling as good as it should and I feel the need to rediscover the joy of just singing. Good luck to me.

In Honor of Black History Month

Last Saturday night, I accompanied Banana to the local dollar store to get cleaning supplies for the house. As we traipsed down each of the aisles for no reason whatsoever, it occurred to me that I was in need of shampoo. Of course the prices at a dollar store are not conducive to stocking name brand items. So I picked up a huge non-descript bottle of herbal revitalizing shampoo whose only distinction was it's bright purple lettering.

So today, I finally used it seeing as I had more time in the shower than my usual get clean before work flashes-in-the-pan. Upon opening it, I immediately was taken back to the memories of my childhood. For some reason, I was back on the pre-gentrification Fort Greene in Brooklyn, when the buses weren't so environmentally friendly. Little girls in barettes and ribbons doing double dutch at any location that offered them enough space were immediately dancing in my head. The simple scent of the shampoo took me back to the idea of blackness I always surveyed from a distance.

As a youth, I was already aware of different colors and shades of the people that lived around me. Due to early childhood experiences, I was aware that blacks and whites lived very different lifestyles. The way I was raised would be likened more to a "white" style I guess, which is why I always looked at black people with a sense of wonderment. My visits to the barbershops were like anthropological expeditions. And that shampoo smell brings me to those sauntering summers when haze made it seem like everyone was moving and everything was black and wonderful.

My blackness was something I never wanted to dwell upon. True it is a part of my identity, but not by any means a definitive one. I had my grunge phase with Nirvana lyrics peppering my notebook. And even though my love of hip-hop has grown, it had nothing to do with my blackness. If anything, my journey was started like most white people who enjoy the music. It was the flashy, dancing videos of the Bad Boy family that initially piqued my interest. Luckily I fell into Tribe Called quest before it was too late, but even now when I go see those groups, I still feel more in tune with the predominant white part of the audience. As the few African-Americans come to those shows, I love to look at their beauty contained in their natural hair styles and definitive features and I long to be a part of that world. I always feel as though I am a satellite orbiting that world but never really on it.

But I am proud of my melanin. I recognize that I am me and that is all I can be. I'm black and I am proud.