.....A Day Made by Dinah Washington is one of the songs on my playlist and it is so apropos for this manic mood that has been with be for the past couple of hours.
Maybe it's because I saw a deer yesterday.
Don't care. I'm gonna ride it for all it's worth.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Couple Things
- Shopgirl is the CMU movie of the month. Please watch. It helps you to remember why people were all over Claire Danes a while back and showcases why Jason Schwartzmann is a genius of his generation. Plus Steve Martin is the man. Lots of knowledge in that film. There will be a test.
- Yeah Bassline is a cool dude. Glad I met him. Came up with this after seeing Shopgirl "We search beyond the constellations hoping to find some consolation"
- Life is good. Life is good.
- There are some small minded people out there. There are also geeks. But I have learned not to judge. For I was once in their tiny places
- Cover letters are fun and easy to do, but only when you realize you actually would like to have that job
So ends my posting
- Yeah Bassline is a cool dude. Glad I met him. Came up with this after seeing Shopgirl "We search beyond the constellations hoping to find some consolation"
- Life is good. Life is good.
- There are some small minded people out there. There are also geeks. But I have learned not to judge. For I was once in their tiny places
- Cover letters are fun and easy to do, but only when you realize you actually would like to have that job
So ends my posting
Couple Things
- Shopgirl is the CMU movie of the month. Please watch. It helps you to remember why people were all over Claire Danes a while back and showcases why Jason Schwartzmann is a genius of his generation. Plus Steve Martin is the man. Lots of knowledge in that film. There will be a test.
- Yeah Bassline is a cool dude. Glad I met him. Came up with this after seeing Shopgirl "We search beyond the constellations hoping to find some consolation"
- Life is good. Life is good.
- There are some small minded people out there. There are also geeks. But I have learned not to judge. For I was once in their tiny places
- Cover letters are fun and easy to do, but only when you realize you actually would like to have that job
So ends my posting
- Yeah Bassline is a cool dude. Glad I met him. Came up with this after seeing Shopgirl "We search beyond the constellations hoping to find some consolation"
- Life is good. Life is good.
- There are some small minded people out there. There are also geeks. But I have learned not to judge. For I was once in their tiny places
- Cover letters are fun and easy to do, but only when you realize you actually would like to have that job
So ends my posting
Sunday, May 28, 2006
What A Great Day
I woke up this morning on 4 hours of sleep feeling more refreshed than I have in a while
The air was warm but not too moist.
There were 7 children out of the house and then I got to go to a house with only 7 in it.
Then my Jamaican co-worker from another program saw me and gave me a ride and we went to other programs just politicking. Then I ran through a sprinkler and had a water fight. Played some softball. Had Mickey D's.
Today was one of those days I didn't feel like I was working.
Woo Hoo
And you know it all started with prayer. Coincidence? I think not.
The air was warm but not too moist.
There were 7 children out of the house and then I got to go to a house with only 7 in it.
Then my Jamaican co-worker from another program saw me and gave me a ride and we went to other programs just politicking. Then I ran through a sprinkler and had a water fight. Played some softball. Had Mickey D's.
Today was one of those days I didn't feel like I was working.
Woo Hoo
And you know it all started with prayer. Coincidence? I think not.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
You Gotta Read The Whole Book
Hello faithful readers, which basically is myself.
Today was the Sabbath day and I am somewhat proud of myself that I did not succumb to the urge to gratify the ungodly desires that were pressing on me all day. Except for Pinball, which was played with BeBe & CeCe in the background, I did quite well. I think I get a pass for pinball. It wasn't exactly making me think about the devil and I wasn't competing with anyone so there's that.
Anyway, devotion today was pretty hopscotch. I woke up somewhere around 11, showered and got some food. Then I finally got down to it. I don't know why it seemed like such a chore today, and recently for that matter. I had a rhythm going. But one late start one morning and I've been out of wack for like 3 days. But once I started reading it was easy as pie.
I started off in Romans and found this wonderful nugget: Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Then I found out why I can't eat grapes or raisins with this Vow of the Nazirite I've taken. Seems they're an aphrodisiac. Why do I have this suspicion? Well coasting through Song of Solomon 2, I found raisins and apples mentioned around a very sexual seeming passage. So of course someone who is trying to dedicate themselves to God would want to stay sober (abstain from strong drink), stay away from death (no corpses thank you), and stay off the grapevine (who needs unnecessary sexual urges when you're dedicating yourself to the Lord?).
So that's why you gotta read the whole Book kids. I even found verses that correlate with my Drug Running post in Proverbs: If you find honey, eat just enough— too much of it, and you will vomit. Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house— too much of you, and he will hate you.
All the answers are there. You just got to put in the time to find them.
Today was the Sabbath day and I am somewhat proud of myself that I did not succumb to the urge to gratify the ungodly desires that were pressing on me all day. Except for Pinball, which was played with BeBe & CeCe in the background, I did quite well. I think I get a pass for pinball. It wasn't exactly making me think about the devil and I wasn't competing with anyone so there's that.
Anyway, devotion today was pretty hopscotch. I woke up somewhere around 11, showered and got some food. Then I finally got down to it. I don't know why it seemed like such a chore today, and recently for that matter. I had a rhythm going. But one late start one morning and I've been out of wack for like 3 days. But once I started reading it was easy as pie.
I started off in Romans and found this wonderful nugget: Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Then I found out why I can't eat grapes or raisins with this Vow of the Nazirite I've taken. Seems they're an aphrodisiac. Why do I have this suspicion? Well coasting through Song of Solomon 2, I found raisins and apples mentioned around a very sexual seeming passage. So of course someone who is trying to dedicate themselves to God would want to stay sober (abstain from strong drink), stay away from death (no corpses thank you), and stay off the grapevine (who needs unnecessary sexual urges when you're dedicating yourself to the Lord?).
So that's why you gotta read the whole Book kids. I even found verses that correlate with my Drug Running post in Proverbs: If you find honey, eat just enough— too much of it, and you will vomit. Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house— too much of you, and he will hate you.
All the answers are there. You just got to put in the time to find them.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Drug Running
This evening my CMU co-founder and Chancellor Bassline found himself in somewhat of a predicament with a lovely young lady he has been talking to. Quick summary: They have been talking for about 2 weeks. She is a nurse.
Now Bassline was talking to me when he got the call, 15 minutes earlier than he expected. So already he's dreading it because he was having his me/man/pizza time and now it was prematurely cut short. He's also dreading it because of her schedule since she gets out no earlier than 11:00 p.m. Then she informs him that she needs to go to CVS.
Now at this stage of the game there are few things that a girl can take a guy to CVS for. Movie snacks and allergy medication are the only ones I find acceptable. But my irie senses were tingling and I had the sinking suspicion that it was for feminine hygiene products.
20 minutes later, he called me to confirm my suspicion. Children drug running is a serious commitment and not one to be undertaken in an early stage of a relationship. Be careful
Now Bassline was talking to me when he got the call, 15 minutes earlier than he expected. So already he's dreading it because he was having his me/man/pizza time and now it was prematurely cut short. He's also dreading it because of her schedule since she gets out no earlier than 11:00 p.m. Then she informs him that she needs to go to CVS.
Now at this stage of the game there are few things that a girl can take a guy to CVS for. Movie snacks and allergy medication are the only ones I find acceptable. But my irie senses were tingling and I had the sinking suspicion that it was for feminine hygiene products.
20 minutes later, he called me to confirm my suspicion. Children drug running is a serious commitment and not one to be undertaken in an early stage of a relationship. Be careful
Thursday, May 25, 2006
The Lord Is Leading
So I realized how much God does not want me to be in Massachusetts.
I figured in honor of my Peter Pan Complex results going down (Test here) I thought I would actually get a permit and do the driving thing in my free time while I'm still up here. I researched the ID I needed and had it all with me.
So why does the lady say I need more than what I researched. Funny the thing I didn't have was proof of residency. Like anyone really wants to prove they're from Massachusetts.
I stew and stew. Thank you Lord for sending Grandpa to keep my bearings. But then I research New York's requirements. A passport and a social security card. That's it. There's no hidden trick? Aren't we the state that got bombed?
So when I go home that's what I'll do. Sure I have to take mandatory courses and master parallel parking, but I'm hoping that's one of the skills Dad passed to me in his Y chromosome.
I figured in honor of my Peter Pan Complex results going down (Test here) I thought I would actually get a permit and do the driving thing in my free time while I'm still up here. I researched the ID I needed and had it all with me.
So why does the lady say I need more than what I researched. Funny the thing I didn't have was proof of residency. Like anyone really wants to prove they're from Massachusetts.
I stew and stew. Thank you Lord for sending Grandpa to keep my bearings. But then I research New York's requirements. A passport and a social security card. That's it. There's no hidden trick? Aren't we the state that got bombed?
So when I go home that's what I'll do. Sure I have to take mandatory courses and master parallel parking, but I'm hoping that's one of the skills Dad passed to me in his Y chromosome.
Driving With Grandpa
I'm not sure if I mentioned this before in an earlier posting, and I'm too lazy to check the archives. Even if I did, it's worth repeating but I love my grandfather. One of the biggest benefits of coming to obscurity to finish my undergrad studies was connecting with him (and my aunt). My father's ambivalence to his own family kept them a relative mystery.
But luckily I made inroads with his mother before she passed. And now I have had the opportunity to speak with good ole Grandpa C. The man is 81, but still sharp. Sprite, lively. And he has so much to say.
Like most stereotypes of grandfathers around the world, he has lots to say. And will pretty much say it to everybody. There were times were I drifted off into an abyss but I now I regret all the wisdom I missed that he might have imparted.
Here are some of the nuggets I've garnished over time:
- American women are not well built.
- Black women take their men to the altar, while others are more apt to just accept what the man can offer them
- Women that take short elegant steps are like queens
- American women have their breasts so propped up, you could drop a live scorpion in them
- Share everything with your wife because she's your partner
And that's all from one conversation.
I think I've appreciated learning about my history as well. As a psych major (yes indeed I am; even I forget) I'm interested in makes people tick. As a vain individual I'm very interested in what makes me tick. But I'm also interested in people's stories. It's why my favorite show growing up was Biography on A & E. So Grandpa works out perfectly. He gives me local history in such a vivid way.
So far I've learned that my passion and altruism is best traced to him. My grandmother, his first wife, might be where I get my more adventurous sexual tastes and temper, but also my penchant for intelligence since like me, she finished high school at 16. The temper, well that's both of them too. Thank God for my mother's influence or I might be a rage-a-holic.
Mostly though I just appreciate him. Even if he wasn't so interesting, it's just been nice to get to know him, to appreciate the bond. He always offers encouragement and love and he's always been there for me even though I basically didn't know him for the first 20 years of my life. I thought about the fact that I am working so hard to move back to New York that today was the first time that I realized I'm really going to miss him. I think I'll actually have to visit Massachusetts. He's worth it.
But luckily I made inroads with his mother before she passed. And now I have had the opportunity to speak with good ole Grandpa C. The man is 81, but still sharp. Sprite, lively. And he has so much to say.
Like most stereotypes of grandfathers around the world, he has lots to say. And will pretty much say it to everybody. There were times were I drifted off into an abyss but I now I regret all the wisdom I missed that he might have imparted.
Here are some of the nuggets I've garnished over time:
- American women are not well built.
- Black women take their men to the altar, while others are more apt to just accept what the man can offer them
- Women that take short elegant steps are like queens
- American women have their breasts so propped up, you could drop a live scorpion in them
- Share everything with your wife because she's your partner
And that's all from one conversation.
I think I've appreciated learning about my history as well. As a psych major (yes indeed I am; even I forget) I'm interested in makes people tick. As a vain individual I'm very interested in what makes me tick. But I'm also interested in people's stories. It's why my favorite show growing up was Biography on A & E. So Grandpa works out perfectly. He gives me local history in such a vivid way.
So far I've learned that my passion and altruism is best traced to him. My grandmother, his first wife, might be where I get my more adventurous sexual tastes and temper, but also my penchant for intelligence since like me, she finished high school at 16. The temper, well that's both of them too. Thank God for my mother's influence or I might be a rage-a-holic.
Mostly though I just appreciate him. Even if he wasn't so interesting, it's just been nice to get to know him, to appreciate the bond. He always offers encouragement and love and he's always been there for me even though I basically didn't know him for the first 20 years of my life. I thought about the fact that I am working so hard to move back to New York that today was the first time that I realized I'm really going to miss him. I think I'll actually have to visit Massachusetts. He's worth it.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Fair Skinned = Beauty?
As I made my return from the city, the comments of one of my kids the previous week was playing a solitary note repeatedly in my brain. What did he say that was so jarring? Nothing psychotic, as many of my kids are prone to do. Actually it was a sincere declarations of his taste.
Basically, he said that he preferred fair skinned girls, specifically using the terms "White and Spanish." The reason I found it troubling is the fact that he is a dark skinned boy. When his skin recently started to go through changes, he hoped that he was becoming lighter. Do you see why I am a bit worried?
He's so interesting to me because he's an encapsulation of some of the issues the Black community faces today. He's proud of his blackness, I know that. When he first came to the program, we bonded over the song "I'm Black" by Styles P. He also reaches his most violent if someone uses the "N-Word" around him. But his preference for fair, and near-disgust for dark, troubles me so much.
It's weird because I have always been a member of the Rainbow Coalition. In high school I had dalliances with Asians and Jews. My first extended girlfriend was Japanese and Black. Coffee Bean is Indian. But I've always had the perspective that everyone was beautiful, never saying that the Jewish girl was hotter than the Jamaican.
His statement makes me wonder if he has some sort of inner hatred. During the weekend, I sadly found myself comparing the different attributes of the women I saw. I am sad to admit it. Ashamed that I even questioned myself. But luckily, my earlier suspicions came through and I found no difference. So why does he?
Is it because he hasn't seen prospects to match his interests? Or is it that all the things he's gone through have made him resentful of the melanin he carries? I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with all this but I had to get it off my chest.
Basically, he said that he preferred fair skinned girls, specifically using the terms "White and Spanish." The reason I found it troubling is the fact that he is a dark skinned boy. When his skin recently started to go through changes, he hoped that he was becoming lighter. Do you see why I am a bit worried?
He's so interesting to me because he's an encapsulation of some of the issues the Black community faces today. He's proud of his blackness, I know that. When he first came to the program, we bonded over the song "I'm Black" by Styles P. He also reaches his most violent if someone uses the "N-Word" around him. But his preference for fair, and near-disgust for dark, troubles me so much.
It's weird because I have always been a member of the Rainbow Coalition. In high school I had dalliances with Asians and Jews. My first extended girlfriend was Japanese and Black. Coffee Bean is Indian. But I've always had the perspective that everyone was beautiful, never saying that the Jewish girl was hotter than the Jamaican.
His statement makes me wonder if he has some sort of inner hatred. During the weekend, I sadly found myself comparing the different attributes of the women I saw. I am sad to admit it. Ashamed that I even questioned myself. But luckily, my earlier suspicions came through and I found no difference. So why does he?
Is it because he hasn't seen prospects to match his interests? Or is it that all the things he's gone through have made him resentful of the melanin he carries? I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with all this but I had to get it off my chest.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Gnarls Barkley/Spank Rock
As I am not as familiar with the particular artists I'm seeing tonight, I decided to keep a running journal of tonight's festivities.
8:00: Doors open and the Dynamic Duo (Boy Wonder & the Dark Knight) are in. After a brief detour, we hurriedly make our way to the front. I didn't want to say this but Boy Wonder did a half skip half run thing. Holy Hot Music Batman!
8:20: We remembered how long these things actually take to start and decide to sit. Smart move.
8:43: This sitting arrangement is advantageous. Right now as I check out the demographics, it is a majority white audience, as any progressively good music event would be. Surprisingly it looks as though it is not just Complex readers. There are more than a few guys who look like they came straight from their analyst jobs at Solomon Smith barney. I'm glad to see them enjoying their obscene bonuses before being called back to work at 7:45 in the morning. Kudos.
9:02: My butt hurts. Plus this vivacious young lady to my left threatens to hit me with her posterior everyt ime there's a surge in her conversation. Plus Spank Rock is supposed to rock now. Time to stand up.
9:04: White kid in a track suit says they're gonna play some records before the show. Afrobeat fills the room. Audience mostly unimpressed.
9:07: Transition to more bass heavy stuff. Right now there are two scruffy white kids behind three turntables while Track Suit is playing on an iBook, dangerously toeing the line between exuberance and epilepsy.
9:10: These guys seem uninterested in the crowd, like they're still practicing in their dorm room.
9:12: Miles Blackman, i mean Spank Rock, comes out of nowhere. Mad energy. I am now a convert.
9:13: Track Suit is now a hype man. Who knew B-More was so live?
9:18: This guy is like Napolean Dynamite crossed with James Brown. Quite the showman.
9:21: The rager in the dorm room continues as the bearded scruffy DJ (BSDJ) takes a midsong break to sip his Jack & Coke. Miles is popping shoulders like he's at a block party at the rucker in July.
9:25: Some Lisa Loeb lookalike is their biggest fan. How do I know? She almost smacked me in the midst of her dancing but there are like 3 people between us.
9:26: The grandson of the old guy from Arrested Development just came out on the bongoswith the backpacker version of backup dancers. One's got dreads and the other is portly with a mohawk, accesorized by a multicolor scarf. Interesting to say the least.
9:27: The bongo guy just induced Miles (I prefer this name; seems more appropriate) to a shrivelling mess on the floor. The dancers have shed their respective blazers and are in the midst of the Beyonce Booty Shake, booties bouncing towards the crowd. Miles now chants "My ____ girls shake it till my d#$% turns racist" substituting American census designations to make sure no ethnicity is overlooked.
9:30: This guitar driven song is crazy. Dancers take a break to converse and then leave. Miles is doing obscene movements in front of the Dynamic Duo. I wonder if Boy Wonder's homosexual suspicions (he claims he saw a rainbow bandanna) have any weight.
9:33: Dancers come back for African style dance off. Miles comes back, lights a dutch, which somehow makes it to the crowd once Portly is done with it. Yes I am stunned.
9:35: Dancing, bongos, and scratching continue. I don't know about everyone else but I think I'm falling hard for Spank Rock.
9:40: On further inspection, it is apparent that Lisa Loeb has no scheme for rhythm. Another potential beneficiary of my nonprofit The 4/4 Foundation for the Rhythmically Challenged.
9:41: Spank announces the end and the slim dancer dances off untilthe lights fade. Thoroughly enjoyable. A -
9:45: The house DJs obviously don't read The Village Voice cause they're playing bad rock music more apt for baseball parks and beer commercials.
9:49: With Spank disappearing, let's take a gander at the Gnarls setup. There's a drum kit, an amp, three mics for backup singers, 1 mic for Cee-Lo, 4 music stands and 4 chairs, probably for a string section, a Rhodes, and a Moog. Plus the bass and guitar are being checked. My expectations just went up that much more. Maybe that's why they're only doing like 7 concerts total. Yay for us!
9:52: Am I excited or is it the amazing bass of the sound system that has my leg twitching? 70/30 to the former methinks.
10:05: Surveying the crowd, it is quite genuinely packed and sold out as advertised. The are also restless and hungry. I just rolled up my sleeves because of the heat. Also it's preparation to slug the drunk idiot continually screaming in my ear for Gnarls to come out.
10:06: I just had Boy Wonder get me ice for my knuckles. Dude's jaw was hard. (Disclaimer: Joke. In no way does Adam Anthony Scott Carnegie condone violence. Usually)
10:12: Alright guys. There's fashionably late and inconsiderate/annoying. We're about to cross that line.
10:17: The house DJ is teasing. Crap Rock got turned down but not all the way. Is this what they call fever pitch cause we're on the verge of a revolt. They can't complain about the audience this evening.
10:18: House lights down. Get ready.
10:19: Some dude that looks like that annoying comedian Ray Cash comes out and says Gnarls ain't performing, but a cover band named Brushfire will take it's place. Band members proceed to come out in bad wigs and 80s era too tight spandex and boots. Cee & Danger Mouse enter in the same garb. No homo but it is apparent that Cee has a bottle in his pants along with the fifth of Jack he brought with him. "Go Go Gadget" is first up.
10:27: Cee, or Brushfire's lead singer, talks to the crowd and moves into "Who Cares"
10:30: After talks of tours with Foreigner & Journey, moves into a scarier representation of "Boogie Monster". Danger is mucho focused on that Rhodes.
10:34: As rivulets of sweat come down Cee he finally decides to take off his wig and they easily move into a rousing rendition of "Just A Thought"
10:35: I should have slugged that guy before he started singing along, off-key.
10:38: I must say that this is one of the few concerts I've been to where I am not disappointed in the crowd's energy. Heads are continually banging. Hands are consistently up. Hips are actually shaking in rhythmic form. A + to the crowd.
10:39: Cee-Lo takes his sunglasses off to reveal his menacing eyes and there into "St. Elsewhere"
10:42: Cee-Lo's preacher son roots are becoming evident cause we having chuuuuuuuch.
10:43: "Gone Daddy Gone" is rocking it and the floor is genuinely shaking. Its like a Church of God in Christ up in here. Cee just pulled a tambourine out of nowhere. Amen Amen!!!
10:45: Invocations to dance are met with compliance as they go into "Last Time"
10:50: Cee asks for dimmed lights for "Necromancer". He also asks for some greenery.
10:51: Performing is obviously cathartic for Cee-Lo. He's got this crazed look like an Egyptian priest from Pharoah days about to offer a sacrifice.
10:52: Cee takes his first swig of the Jack he brought with himand throws his cape out to the crowd. Somebody actually helped him out with his earlier request as a spliff lands on the stage. I feel like he's a guy that would live down the hall from me in my apartment building. "Smiley Faces" (my personal favorite) gets everything to another level. It looks like American Bandstand up in this piece.
10:54: Special more intimate version of "Transformer" Slowed down. I feel as though this would be the soundtrack to some heroin scene in an independent movie.
10:56: Cee talks to the band and "Crazy" commences. Crowd sings along rather well which is good for the drunk idiot behind me.
11:00: That's all folks. The crowd does not believe and their incessant applause invokes a return.
11:01: Cee shouts out Diddy, T.I. and Lyor Cohen before moving into a very Hendriz styled rendition of "Storm Coming". Quite hazy.
I feel 10 pounds lighter. And I feel extra sorry that I haven't listened to that album even more. That was the best show I've seen in a good long time, like Friday night. But still A + for Gnarls Barkley. Good music lives on.
8:00: Doors open and the Dynamic Duo (Boy Wonder & the Dark Knight) are in. After a brief detour, we hurriedly make our way to the front. I didn't want to say this but Boy Wonder did a half skip half run thing. Holy Hot Music Batman!
8:20: We remembered how long these things actually take to start and decide to sit. Smart move.
8:43: This sitting arrangement is advantageous. Right now as I check out the demographics, it is a majority white audience, as any progressively good music event would be. Surprisingly it looks as though it is not just Complex readers. There are more than a few guys who look like they came straight from their analyst jobs at Solomon Smith barney. I'm glad to see them enjoying their obscene bonuses before being called back to work at 7:45 in the morning. Kudos.
9:02: My butt hurts. Plus this vivacious young lady to my left threatens to hit me with her posterior everyt ime there's a surge in her conversation. Plus Spank Rock is supposed to rock now. Time to stand up.
9:04: White kid in a track suit says they're gonna play some records before the show. Afrobeat fills the room. Audience mostly unimpressed.
9:07: Transition to more bass heavy stuff. Right now there are two scruffy white kids behind three turntables while Track Suit is playing on an iBook, dangerously toeing the line between exuberance and epilepsy.
9:10: These guys seem uninterested in the crowd, like they're still practicing in their dorm room.
9:12: Miles Blackman, i mean Spank Rock, comes out of nowhere. Mad energy. I am now a convert.
9:13: Track Suit is now a hype man. Who knew B-More was so live?
9:18: This guy is like Napolean Dynamite crossed with James Brown. Quite the showman.
9:21: The rager in the dorm room continues as the bearded scruffy DJ (BSDJ) takes a midsong break to sip his Jack & Coke. Miles is popping shoulders like he's at a block party at the rucker in July.
9:25: Some Lisa Loeb lookalike is their biggest fan. How do I know? She almost smacked me in the midst of her dancing but there are like 3 people between us.
9:26: The grandson of the old guy from Arrested Development just came out on the bongoswith the backpacker version of backup dancers. One's got dreads and the other is portly with a mohawk, accesorized by a multicolor scarf. Interesting to say the least.
9:27: The bongo guy just induced Miles (I prefer this name; seems more appropriate) to a shrivelling mess on the floor. The dancers have shed their respective blazers and are in the midst of the Beyonce Booty Shake, booties bouncing towards the crowd. Miles now chants "My ____ girls shake it till my d#$% turns racist" substituting American census designations to make sure no ethnicity is overlooked.
9:30: This guitar driven song is crazy. Dancers take a break to converse and then leave. Miles is doing obscene movements in front of the Dynamic Duo. I wonder if Boy Wonder's homosexual suspicions (he claims he saw a rainbow bandanna) have any weight.
9:33: Dancers come back for African style dance off. Miles comes back, lights a dutch, which somehow makes it to the crowd once Portly is done with it. Yes I am stunned.
9:35: Dancing, bongos, and scratching continue. I don't know about everyone else but I think I'm falling hard for Spank Rock.
9:40: On further inspection, it is apparent that Lisa Loeb has no scheme for rhythm. Another potential beneficiary of my nonprofit The 4/4 Foundation for the Rhythmically Challenged.
9:41: Spank announces the end and the slim dancer dances off untilthe lights fade. Thoroughly enjoyable. A -
9:45: The house DJs obviously don't read The Village Voice cause they're playing bad rock music more apt for baseball parks and beer commercials.
9:49: With Spank disappearing, let's take a gander at the Gnarls setup. There's a drum kit, an amp, three mics for backup singers, 1 mic for Cee-Lo, 4 music stands and 4 chairs, probably for a string section, a Rhodes, and a Moog. Plus the bass and guitar are being checked. My expectations just went up that much more. Maybe that's why they're only doing like 7 concerts total. Yay for us!
9:52: Am I excited or is it the amazing bass of the sound system that has my leg twitching? 70/30 to the former methinks.
10:05: Surveying the crowd, it is quite genuinely packed and sold out as advertised. The are also restless and hungry. I just rolled up my sleeves because of the heat. Also it's preparation to slug the drunk idiot continually screaming in my ear for Gnarls to come out.
10:06: I just had Boy Wonder get me ice for my knuckles. Dude's jaw was hard. (Disclaimer: Joke. In no way does Adam Anthony Scott Carnegie condone violence. Usually)
10:12: Alright guys. There's fashionably late and inconsiderate/annoying. We're about to cross that line.
10:17: The house DJ is teasing. Crap Rock got turned down but not all the way. Is this what they call fever pitch cause we're on the verge of a revolt. They can't complain about the audience this evening.
10:18: House lights down. Get ready.
10:19: Some dude that looks like that annoying comedian Ray Cash comes out and says Gnarls ain't performing, but a cover band named Brushfire will take it's place. Band members proceed to come out in bad wigs and 80s era too tight spandex and boots. Cee & Danger Mouse enter in the same garb. No homo but it is apparent that Cee has a bottle in his pants along with the fifth of Jack he brought with him. "Go Go Gadget" is first up.
10:27: Cee, or Brushfire's lead singer, talks to the crowd and moves into "Who Cares"
10:30: After talks of tours with Foreigner & Journey, moves into a scarier representation of "Boogie Monster". Danger is mucho focused on that Rhodes.
10:34: As rivulets of sweat come down Cee he finally decides to take off his wig and they easily move into a rousing rendition of "Just A Thought"
10:35: I should have slugged that guy before he started singing along, off-key.
10:38: I must say that this is one of the few concerts I've been to where I am not disappointed in the crowd's energy. Heads are continually banging. Hands are consistently up. Hips are actually shaking in rhythmic form. A + to the crowd.
10:39: Cee-Lo takes his sunglasses off to reveal his menacing eyes and there into "St. Elsewhere"
10:42: Cee-Lo's preacher son roots are becoming evident cause we having chuuuuuuuch.
10:43: "Gone Daddy Gone" is rocking it and the floor is genuinely shaking. Its like a Church of God in Christ up in here. Cee just pulled a tambourine out of nowhere. Amen Amen!!!
10:45: Invocations to dance are met with compliance as they go into "Last Time"
10:50: Cee asks for dimmed lights for "Necromancer". He also asks for some greenery.
10:51: Performing is obviously cathartic for Cee-Lo. He's got this crazed look like an Egyptian priest from Pharoah days about to offer a sacrifice.
10:52: Cee takes his first swig of the Jack he brought with himand throws his cape out to the crowd. Somebody actually helped him out with his earlier request as a spliff lands on the stage. I feel like he's a guy that would live down the hall from me in my apartment building. "Smiley Faces" (my personal favorite) gets everything to another level. It looks like American Bandstand up in this piece.
10:54: Special more intimate version of "Transformer" Slowed down. I feel as though this would be the soundtrack to some heroin scene in an independent movie.
10:56: Cee talks to the band and "Crazy" commences. Crowd sings along rather well which is good for the drunk idiot behind me.
11:00: That's all folks. The crowd does not believe and their incessant applause invokes a return.
11:01: Cee shouts out Diddy, T.I. and Lyor Cohen before moving into a very Hendriz styled rendition of "Storm Coming". Quite hazy.
I feel 10 pounds lighter. And I feel extra sorry that I haven't listened to that album even more. That was the best show I've seen in a good long time, like Friday night. But still A + for Gnarls Barkley. Good music lives on.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
The 21st
On April 21st, I was the cause of a fire that burned a hole in my home and left three families displaced.
On May 21st, I was shaken again by the Lord to the point where I basically stripped my clothes and bowed down on the floor and asked for mercy and peace.
What is it about the 21st? If we draw it out, 7 is one of the perfect numbers in the Bible. Multiply it by 3 in the Trinity and you have 21. 21 is seen as a lucky number by those that believe in superstition and the god that is blackjack. But from now on that number will mean more than any other. More than any birthday or anniversary. It means so much.
I woke up restless repeatedly today. I prayed to God to let me sleep and it just wouldn't happen. But I prayed and I prayed just like it says in that Good Book and though the change wasn't as quick as I had hoped, it surely happened. And the blessings were even more than I could have asked.
I started off shaky but I went to see my father in the hospital. The Lord has answered our prayers and his pressure is down to healthy levels. Praise Him. But the real blessing was the conversation we had. I must say that it was the most honest and heartfelt conversation we had in our history. We expressed love and disappointment and everything. I realized that as much as we have butted heads, we truly are on the same page. We just have different ways of expressing it.
I then went to see a movie. This was pre-planned because of my aforementioned shakiness. I felt I needed a diversion. I hoped to find a comedy, but found nothing to my suiting. I did go to see a movie, "Water", that was on my to-see list. I can't tell you how much of a blessing it was. Centering on a widows' home in Gandhi-era India, it follows two widows. One is shunned in the camp for not shaving her hair. She is pimped to neighboring brahmins and her efforts keep the home surviving. The other is a widow who is only 7, who doesn't really understand what is going on. She is just a child and acts as such. But her idealism and innonence help open up the eyes of another widow. In the end it is this 7 year old who is sent to the brahmins but after one episode, she is delivered to the liberal Gandhi sympathizer who hoped to marry the shunned widow. I won't tell everything, though I've already spoiled it, but it was so moving. I honestly tried to hold back my tears but my body would not cooperate.
Mainly it put things in perspective. It was another example of what love really is. What dedication true care really means.
I won't lie. I feel broken. But at the same time I feel as close to completion than I ever felt. I've been coasting for so long in this state of contentedness and emptiness. But now I see the light. I pray that God continues to shake me up, brake me down, and mold me into the man he wants me to be with love, wisdom, peace, patience, faith, and joy. Please Lord make me into that man.
On May 21st, I was shaken again by the Lord to the point where I basically stripped my clothes and bowed down on the floor and asked for mercy and peace.
What is it about the 21st? If we draw it out, 7 is one of the perfect numbers in the Bible. Multiply it by 3 in the Trinity and you have 21. 21 is seen as a lucky number by those that believe in superstition and the god that is blackjack. But from now on that number will mean more than any other. More than any birthday or anniversary. It means so much.
I woke up restless repeatedly today. I prayed to God to let me sleep and it just wouldn't happen. But I prayed and I prayed just like it says in that Good Book and though the change wasn't as quick as I had hoped, it surely happened. And the blessings were even more than I could have asked.
I started off shaky but I went to see my father in the hospital. The Lord has answered our prayers and his pressure is down to healthy levels. Praise Him. But the real blessing was the conversation we had. I must say that it was the most honest and heartfelt conversation we had in our history. We expressed love and disappointment and everything. I realized that as much as we have butted heads, we truly are on the same page. We just have different ways of expressing it.
I then went to see a movie. This was pre-planned because of my aforementioned shakiness. I felt I needed a diversion. I hoped to find a comedy, but found nothing to my suiting. I did go to see a movie, "Water", that was on my to-see list. I can't tell you how much of a blessing it was. Centering on a widows' home in Gandhi-era India, it follows two widows. One is shunned in the camp for not shaving her hair. She is pimped to neighboring brahmins and her efforts keep the home surviving. The other is a widow who is only 7, who doesn't really understand what is going on. She is just a child and acts as such. But her idealism and innonence help open up the eyes of another widow. In the end it is this 7 year old who is sent to the brahmins but after one episode, she is delivered to the liberal Gandhi sympathizer who hoped to marry the shunned widow. I won't tell everything, though I've already spoiled it, but it was so moving. I honestly tried to hold back my tears but my body would not cooperate.
Mainly it put things in perspective. It was another example of what love really is. What dedication true care really means.
I won't lie. I feel broken. But at the same time I feel as close to completion than I ever felt. I've been coasting for so long in this state of contentedness and emptiness. But now I see the light. I pray that God continues to shake me up, brake me down, and mold me into the man he wants me to be with love, wisdom, peace, patience, faith, and joy. Please Lord make me into that man.
Joy Comes In The Morning
My mom is the most amazing person that I have ever had the pleasure to meet. She is an immeasurable blessing in my life. I just couldn't tell you.
Can I Get Some Peace?
My stomach is doing backflips. I'm in such a weird place. But I know God will take care of me. I just need to keep believing.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Reason #657 To Love NYC
A youth under the guise of selling candy on the train asked for our, the straphangers and passengers, attention. Upon realizing no one in this particular car was interested he stopped mid-sentence in his presentation and moved on to the next car. Not even out of high school, and already he understands the importance of knowing your markets. Beautiful.
Love of My Life
The Roots @ Radio City Music Hall - May 18th - 19th, 2006
From 9:30 Wednesday night, I was giddy about this performance. My ebullience could not be satiated or dissolved by any event. The ride home was peaceful and trouble free. The sun was shining and the air was electric.
When the Boy Wonder and I rose from the subway, you could feel something special. As all the progressive listeners congregated, the Complex readers and the women who did their theses on Toni Morrison and Maya Angelou, you knew something was special.
Unlike most hip-hop concerts, this one started relatively on time. Most of the audience had not filed in yet, spoiled by previous expeditions to these types of concerts. The curtain rose and the band setup was met with immediate applause and anticipation.
?uestlove, a man whose musical aptitude amazes me more and more, began with a simple drum beat. Black Thought then came out and went right into Web, a two-and-a-half minute pure rhyme without any obstruction. The rest of the band filed in and they went into a new song from their eagerly anticipated Def Jam debut Game Theory. The energy that you could see from the band was unfortunately mitigated by monitor and mic problems that sadly persisted throughout the night. But still people still stood and moved. They then went into Apache to keep the energy going.
Then in one of their typical seamless transitions, they began to play "Made U Look" and Nas stepped onto the stage to be baptized in admiration. The crowd literally lost it. He missed some cues throughout his set, but luckily the band covered him and the energy was never lost. He moved through "It Ain't Hard To Tell," "It's Yours," and "If I Ruled The World."
As he left the stage, Thought payed tribute to Jay Dee aka J Dilla, the seminally forgotten, underrated hip-hop producer. After a moment of silence, they went into "Dynamite" which Dilla produced for the "Things Fall Apart" album. Bounded by the Inspector Gadget Theme they went into "In Love With The Mic," a bonus track from "The Tipping Point" featuring Skillz and Truck North. Once again mic issues cooled the energy a bit, but they were fixed by the time Though and Truck did their verses.
As they left the stage, Thought led the crowd in "The Philly Clap" a modified soul clap. They then did "Stay Cool." Continuing with the "Tipping" material they went into "Boom." On the second verse Big Daddy Kane himself stepped on the stage. I saw him in the MF Doom + Little Brother show in January and once again I was amazed at this cat who has more energy than emcees half his age. He moved along the stage for "Raw" and "Warm It Up Kane" with unbounded energy.
After he left the stage, they went to an old classic "Proceed." Unexpectedly the beat changed and Common flew on the stage performing "Go." The crowd lost its mind, literally. He then went into "The Corner", a song that translated particularly well with the live performance. He then did a freestyle that made me personally floored. He then continued talking and introduced "Testify" which was wonderfully accompanied by the backup singer of the evening do the sample live. He then did arguably his biggest hit "The Light" and his ode to hip-hop "Used To Love H.E.R."
Talib Kweli joined the on-stage festivities and they boyth did a freestyle to "Get 'Em High", a song they each appeared on "The College Dropout" by Mr. West himself. Kweli then went into the Black Star hit "Definition" followed by the Reflection Eternal hit "The Blast." He finished up with his biggest hit "Get By." I must say that I was disappointed with him. Common was like a overgrown leprechaun, jumping back and forth across the stage. Kweli, however, felt like he was laboring, like he just couldn't find his bearings. It wasn't terrible but I've seen him do encores with more energy.
The band then did their introductions and moved into "Break You Off." This was the launch of a jam session and break for the band. Hub, the bassist, went into a inspired solo. I must say that for me he is often the forgotten member, as bassists usually are treated, though they are my favorite. His manipulations of his instrument made me a true fan and sorry that his solo album never reached fruition. He finished by going into the "Good Times" bassline which brought back the band who led an impromptu skate party.
They then went into "You Got Me" which led to a guitar solo by Captain Kirk Douglas. This was truly inspired. Ever since his introduction to the Roots I haven't really paid attention to him. But from now on I want to hear more from him. He was just awesome. Like an old school type of showman. All over the stage and musically adept. He even did a George Benson impression as he did "My Favorite Things. This somehow led into "Don't Say Nothin'" which included an interpolation of Amerie's "1 Thing." They moved on to "The Next Movement" and then the one and only DJ Jazzy Jeff showed why he is one of the pioneers of scratching. Rahzel then did his Godfather of Noyze schtick and I haven't heard it in a while and yes it was quite amazing. Tell me how many people you know that can sing while they're making the beat with their mouth? Exactly. He did a whole reggae medley, some Aaliyah, and even "Touch It." The Roots came back on and said it was time to go
Unless we could do a convincing soul clap. We obliged. They played "The Seed 2.0." End of show. Yes it was that anticlimactic. I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed. The night was supposed to be full of surprises, and except for Kane (which was still pretty predictable) it was a wash. ?uestlove later revealed that Ghostface & Raekwon were no-shows (sad that we missed out on a CherChez La Femme with Erykah) but still the energy of the party was worth it. We can give that one a B.
Show 2 was the next night and I was a little more even-tempered for this affair. I think the previous night dampened my expectations. Anyway some African dude (later identified as Baaba Maal) did some singing. It was cool but ultimately proved a distraction because as he left, the band came down aisle F (my aisle) with ?uestlove leading marching band style. Black Thought was on a bullhorn spitting "Duck Down" and everyone followed. They quickly kept the energy going and moved into one of my favorite masterpieces "Star" from "Tipping." Going back, they quickly ran through "Step Into The Realm", "What They Do", and "The Next Movement."
Next on the docket was Angelique Kidjo. I was impressed the first time I saw her, volunteering for the non-profit I interned for. Once again I was amazed at her energy. Though she did one song - "Africa" - her presence was felt. I think it was a smart move because any more time and she might have drained the ADHD crowd at this thing.
They wasted no time moving into "Act Too (Love of My Life)" to keep the energy going. Then Thought moved into his inner singer and did a Ray Charles' "What I Say" interlude. Once again I was blindsided because this led into "Double Trouble" with none other than the Mighty Mos Def. The place lost their collective mind. It's easy to see why Mos is the most highly regarded of the "conscious" crowd. His skills and content are upper echelon, but he also seeps charisma out of his pores. This man could make the phone book sound enlightening.
Anyway, he quickly moved into "The Boogie Man Song" which was followed by "Ms. Fat Booty", his biggest hit. He changed it up though with a third verse that led into Fatlip's verse from "Passing Me By". Intriguing and well done. Surprisingly he took things all the way back to his first single on Rawkus "Universal Magnetic" which was awesome to hear live and backed by The Roots band. He closed out with "Umi Says" which included a joyous run all the way to the end of the crowd.
There was no slick transition to the next part as Thought just called up Slum Village to the stage. Elzhi delivered the fallen Dilla's verse off the song and the energy was palpable even though that is not a particularly good song. They then went into "Selfish" with Mos Def singing the John Legend part which was decidedly good. They then did "Fantastic" over the "Fall In Love" instrumental. Not exactly the most compelling performance, but considering the event was for Dilla they deserved a spot.
"In Love With The Mic" this time had Skillz with a working mic and the results were 100% better. Skillz brought a feistiness that was missing from Thought and Truck. You almost get angry listening to him. But it makes your blood bubble. Philly clap once again moving into "Stay Cool". The Jazzy Jeff interlude came earlier and was definitely shorter. Took it back to a very jazzed out version of "Mellow My Man" and moved onto a shorter Hub solo.
Next up was J * Davey. All I knew about them before the concert was that they were funky and consisted of a singer and a producer. This child walks on the stage with a full Native American headdress, full thighs turning into rail thin legs jutting out of booty shorts, and red stilettos, strutting to the beat. In the midst of her song, she quickly shed the multicolored blazer she was wearing to reveal a deep v-necked (to her navel) blouse. Easy to say I was ummm shall we say titilated. This girl was like a half rapping-half singing funk Tina Turner with Macy Gray's voice three octaves higher. She honestly oozed sensuality. If Prince could have sculpted a lead singer this child would have been the product. Oh yeah the song was pretty good too.
Thought comes back out to introduce Dave Chapelle who does about 10 minutes of standup. He centers upon the fact that he figured out the game and uses a story from Iceberg Slim to illustrate his point. Totally hilarious. Had me in stitches.
Weird to have Bilal follow him up but that is what happened. The band and he covered Radiohead's "Everything In It's Right Place" which had some chilly keys by I think Robert Glasper. It was excellent. Bilal's haunting voice provided a eerie realm that Thom Yorke's voice can't seem to touch. They then went into the ?uestlove produced "Sometimes" which is one of my all time favorite songs. Excellently done and sadly all that he offered. That man should have another album.
Without any further ado, Queen Erykah descended upon the stage with her two backup singers and moved into "Otherside of the Game". I was expecting them to move into "Danger" which was the sequel, but instead they went to "On & On" which went into "...& On" which included an interpolation of the "Sucka Nigga" beat by Tribe Called Quest. Quite nice. "Next Lifetime" was next on the set list and that bled into "You Got Me". Once again Kirk Douglas did his thing, shorter like all the other solos and show was done.
Another soul clap invocation. Another obligation met. Another "The Seed 2.0". Ready to file out? Not just yet. Thought begins a Ray Charles impression but this time with the Kanye sample for "Gold Digger". The band just keeps playing the hip-hop hits and goes into "Lighters Up". 2Pac's "Get Around" and Biggie's "One More Chance" follow. This leads to a seamless transition to "Public Service Announcement." Guilty me, I just get lost in the vibe of the thing and since that is probably my most favorite Jay-Z song (sorry if I am not accepted to the rap cognoscente) I'm just feeling it. But then I heard the voice and hooded and all, Mr. Def Jam President stepped onto the stage and ripped it. There were so many dynasty signs I was looking for Amil and Christion. He then moved into "Encore" and that was it for the night. The band left the same way they came in except everybody who participated marched down the aisle with them (Fan moment: I did get dap from Rahzel, Erykah, Mos, Hub, and Dave).
All in all a beautiful night. I felt like I was a part of manufactured history. But manufactured is beautiful nonetheless. I found lout later that Maxwell did drop out but it was just a song. A +++++++++++++++++++.
From 9:30 Wednesday night, I was giddy about this performance. My ebullience could not be satiated or dissolved by any event. The ride home was peaceful and trouble free. The sun was shining and the air was electric.
When the Boy Wonder and I rose from the subway, you could feel something special. As all the progressive listeners congregated, the Complex readers and the women who did their theses on Toni Morrison and Maya Angelou, you knew something was special.
Unlike most hip-hop concerts, this one started relatively on time. Most of the audience had not filed in yet, spoiled by previous expeditions to these types of concerts. The curtain rose and the band setup was met with immediate applause and anticipation.
?uestlove, a man whose musical aptitude amazes me more and more, began with a simple drum beat. Black Thought then came out and went right into Web, a two-and-a-half minute pure rhyme without any obstruction. The rest of the band filed in and they went into a new song from their eagerly anticipated Def Jam debut Game Theory. The energy that you could see from the band was unfortunately mitigated by monitor and mic problems that sadly persisted throughout the night. But still people still stood and moved. They then went into Apache to keep the energy going.
Then in one of their typical seamless transitions, they began to play "Made U Look" and Nas stepped onto the stage to be baptized in admiration. The crowd literally lost it. He missed some cues throughout his set, but luckily the band covered him and the energy was never lost. He moved through "It Ain't Hard To Tell," "It's Yours," and "If I Ruled The World."
As he left the stage, Thought payed tribute to Jay Dee aka J Dilla, the seminally forgotten, underrated hip-hop producer. After a moment of silence, they went into "Dynamite" which Dilla produced for the "Things Fall Apart" album. Bounded by the Inspector Gadget Theme they went into "In Love With The Mic," a bonus track from "The Tipping Point" featuring Skillz and Truck North. Once again mic issues cooled the energy a bit, but they were fixed by the time Though and Truck did their verses.
As they left the stage, Thought led the crowd in "The Philly Clap" a modified soul clap. They then did "Stay Cool." Continuing with the "Tipping" material they went into "Boom." On the second verse Big Daddy Kane himself stepped on the stage. I saw him in the MF Doom + Little Brother show in January and once again I was amazed at this cat who has more energy than emcees half his age. He moved along the stage for "Raw" and "Warm It Up Kane" with unbounded energy.
After he left the stage, they went to an old classic "Proceed." Unexpectedly the beat changed and Common flew on the stage performing "Go." The crowd lost its mind, literally. He then went into "The Corner", a song that translated particularly well with the live performance. He then did a freestyle that made me personally floored. He then continued talking and introduced "Testify" which was wonderfully accompanied by the backup singer of the evening do the sample live. He then did arguably his biggest hit "The Light" and his ode to hip-hop "Used To Love H.E.R."
Talib Kweli joined the on-stage festivities and they boyth did a freestyle to "Get 'Em High", a song they each appeared on "The College Dropout" by Mr. West himself. Kweli then went into the Black Star hit "Definition" followed by the Reflection Eternal hit "The Blast." He finished up with his biggest hit "Get By." I must say that I was disappointed with him. Common was like a overgrown leprechaun, jumping back and forth across the stage. Kweli, however, felt like he was laboring, like he just couldn't find his bearings. It wasn't terrible but I've seen him do encores with more energy.
The band then did their introductions and moved into "Break You Off." This was the launch of a jam session and break for the band. Hub, the bassist, went into a inspired solo. I must say that for me he is often the forgotten member, as bassists usually are treated, though they are my favorite. His manipulations of his instrument made me a true fan and sorry that his solo album never reached fruition. He finished by going into the "Good Times" bassline which brought back the band who led an impromptu skate party.
They then went into "You Got Me" which led to a guitar solo by Captain Kirk Douglas. This was truly inspired. Ever since his introduction to the Roots I haven't really paid attention to him. But from now on I want to hear more from him. He was just awesome. Like an old school type of showman. All over the stage and musically adept. He even did a George Benson impression as he did "My Favorite Things. This somehow led into "Don't Say Nothin'" which included an interpolation of Amerie's "1 Thing." They moved on to "The Next Movement" and then the one and only DJ Jazzy Jeff showed why he is one of the pioneers of scratching. Rahzel then did his Godfather of Noyze schtick and I haven't heard it in a while and yes it was quite amazing. Tell me how many people you know that can sing while they're making the beat with their mouth? Exactly. He did a whole reggae medley, some Aaliyah, and even "Touch It." The Roots came back on and said it was time to go
Unless we could do a convincing soul clap. We obliged. They played "The Seed 2.0." End of show. Yes it was that anticlimactic. I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed. The night was supposed to be full of surprises, and except for Kane (which was still pretty predictable) it was a wash. ?uestlove later revealed that Ghostface & Raekwon were no-shows (sad that we missed out on a CherChez La Femme with Erykah) but still the energy of the party was worth it. We can give that one a B.
Show 2 was the next night and I was a little more even-tempered for this affair. I think the previous night dampened my expectations. Anyway some African dude (later identified as Baaba Maal) did some singing. It was cool but ultimately proved a distraction because as he left, the band came down aisle F (my aisle) with ?uestlove leading marching band style. Black Thought was on a bullhorn spitting "Duck Down" and everyone followed. They quickly kept the energy going and moved into one of my favorite masterpieces "Star" from "Tipping." Going back, they quickly ran through "Step Into The Realm", "What They Do", and "The Next Movement."
Next on the docket was Angelique Kidjo. I was impressed the first time I saw her, volunteering for the non-profit I interned for. Once again I was amazed at her energy. Though she did one song - "Africa" - her presence was felt. I think it was a smart move because any more time and she might have drained the ADHD crowd at this thing.
They wasted no time moving into "Act Too (Love of My Life)" to keep the energy going. Then Thought moved into his inner singer and did a Ray Charles' "What I Say" interlude. Once again I was blindsided because this led into "Double Trouble" with none other than the Mighty Mos Def. The place lost their collective mind. It's easy to see why Mos is the most highly regarded of the "conscious" crowd. His skills and content are upper echelon, but he also seeps charisma out of his pores. This man could make the phone book sound enlightening.
Anyway, he quickly moved into "The Boogie Man Song" which was followed by "Ms. Fat Booty", his biggest hit. He changed it up though with a third verse that led into Fatlip's verse from "Passing Me By". Intriguing and well done. Surprisingly he took things all the way back to his first single on Rawkus "Universal Magnetic" which was awesome to hear live and backed by The Roots band. He closed out with "Umi Says" which included a joyous run all the way to the end of the crowd.
There was no slick transition to the next part as Thought just called up Slum Village to the stage. Elzhi delivered the fallen Dilla's verse off the song and the energy was palpable even though that is not a particularly good song. They then went into "Selfish" with Mos Def singing the John Legend part which was decidedly good. They then did "Fantastic" over the "Fall In Love" instrumental. Not exactly the most compelling performance, but considering the event was for Dilla they deserved a spot.
"In Love With The Mic" this time had Skillz with a working mic and the results were 100% better. Skillz brought a feistiness that was missing from Thought and Truck. You almost get angry listening to him. But it makes your blood bubble. Philly clap once again moving into "Stay Cool". The Jazzy Jeff interlude came earlier and was definitely shorter. Took it back to a very jazzed out version of "Mellow My Man" and moved onto a shorter Hub solo.
Next up was J * Davey. All I knew about them before the concert was that they were funky and consisted of a singer and a producer. This child walks on the stage with a full Native American headdress, full thighs turning into rail thin legs jutting out of booty shorts, and red stilettos, strutting to the beat. In the midst of her song, she quickly shed the multicolored blazer she was wearing to reveal a deep v-necked (to her navel) blouse. Easy to say I was ummm shall we say titilated. This girl was like a half rapping-half singing funk Tina Turner with Macy Gray's voice three octaves higher. She honestly oozed sensuality. If Prince could have sculpted a lead singer this child would have been the product. Oh yeah the song was pretty good too.
Thought comes back out to introduce Dave Chapelle who does about 10 minutes of standup. He centers upon the fact that he figured out the game and uses a story from Iceberg Slim to illustrate his point. Totally hilarious. Had me in stitches.
Weird to have Bilal follow him up but that is what happened. The band and he covered Radiohead's "Everything In It's Right Place" which had some chilly keys by I think Robert Glasper. It was excellent. Bilal's haunting voice provided a eerie realm that Thom Yorke's voice can't seem to touch. They then went into the ?uestlove produced "Sometimes" which is one of my all time favorite songs. Excellently done and sadly all that he offered. That man should have another album.
Without any further ado, Queen Erykah descended upon the stage with her two backup singers and moved into "Otherside of the Game". I was expecting them to move into "Danger" which was the sequel, but instead they went to "On & On" which went into "...& On" which included an interpolation of the "Sucka Nigga" beat by Tribe Called Quest. Quite nice. "Next Lifetime" was next on the set list and that bled into "You Got Me". Once again Kirk Douglas did his thing, shorter like all the other solos and show was done.
Another soul clap invocation. Another obligation met. Another "The Seed 2.0". Ready to file out? Not just yet. Thought begins a Ray Charles impression but this time with the Kanye sample for "Gold Digger". The band just keeps playing the hip-hop hits and goes into "Lighters Up". 2Pac's "Get Around" and Biggie's "One More Chance" follow. This leads to a seamless transition to "Public Service Announcement." Guilty me, I just get lost in the vibe of the thing and since that is probably my most favorite Jay-Z song (sorry if I am not accepted to the rap cognoscente) I'm just feeling it. But then I heard the voice and hooded and all, Mr. Def Jam President stepped onto the stage and ripped it. There were so many dynasty signs I was looking for Amil and Christion. He then moved into "Encore" and that was it for the night. The band left the same way they came in except everybody who participated marched down the aisle with them (Fan moment: I did get dap from Rahzel, Erykah, Mos, Hub, and Dave).
All in all a beautiful night. I felt like I was a part of manufactured history. But manufactured is beautiful nonetheless. I found lout later that Maxwell did drop out but it was just a song. A +++++++++++++++++++.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Reason 738 to Love NYC
Mr. Softee @ 11:30 p.m. after an arduous and hot Roots show.
Bonus reason: I'm blogging from a CompUSA MacBook Pro as we speak. Anybody have $2,799.99 until I get my recording contract?
Bonus reason: I'm blogging from a CompUSA MacBook Pro as we speak. Anybody have $2,799.99 until I get my recording contract?
Thursday, May 18, 2006
How Excited Can I Be?
At 9:23 p.m. last night, as all my children slept, it hit me: I am going to the concerts of the century Thursday and Friday. I can hardly contain myself. I've been silent screaming for the past 20 hours. I barely fell asleep last night. I feel like I need some of the meds my kids get. More to come cause I can't concentrate long enough to write.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Not So Bad
So today was mildly productive but rewarding nonetheless.
Last night I had the bright idea to write down what I wanted to do today. I think I got through 4 out of 6 which is pretty good. Most importantly I stuck with the Bible study/Prayer part even though my alarm didn't go off and I had to help Coffee Bean with some stuff. God led me to a piece of scripture He had led me to very recently so I was very tempted to blow it off. But something told me to keep reading and indeed I found something new.
Then I actually got motivated about the whole driving thing but I think I put the cart before the horse cause I'm reviewing cars instead of studying for the test. One step at a time.
I faced confrontation and actually went to speak to my program director at work about things that were actually beneficial to me. And it wasn't half bad. (Bonus: I was personally requested to be in this experiential education group that goes hiking every week. My code name is Commander Shaft. No joke. The kids picked it.)
Plus I was funny with co-workers, my kids did relatively well, and I have no new bruises. All in all a great day. And two of my three habits I've been trying to kick have been no shows for a significant amount of time. And my momma sent me the most insightful e-mail. All in all a great day.
Last night I had the bright idea to write down what I wanted to do today. I think I got through 4 out of 6 which is pretty good. Most importantly I stuck with the Bible study/Prayer part even though my alarm didn't go off and I had to help Coffee Bean with some stuff. God led me to a piece of scripture He had led me to very recently so I was very tempted to blow it off. But something told me to keep reading and indeed I found something new.
Then I actually got motivated about the whole driving thing but I think I put the cart before the horse cause I'm reviewing cars instead of studying for the test. One step at a time.
I faced confrontation and actually went to speak to my program director at work about things that were actually beneficial to me. And it wasn't half bad. (Bonus: I was personally requested to be in this experiential education group that goes hiking every week. My code name is Commander Shaft. No joke. The kids picked it.)
Plus I was funny with co-workers, my kids did relatively well, and I have no new bruises. All in all a great day. And two of my three habits I've been trying to kick have been no shows for a significant amount of time. And my momma sent me the most insightful e-mail. All in all a great day.
Prayer
Thank you so much for listening and hearing my prayers as errant as I am. Forgive me of all my sins of commission and especially those of omission. Lord grant me the faith to believe that you will come through. Grant me the patience I need to endure so I may be ready for Your Words. Bestow me with wisdom and discernment so when the time comes I am able to understand. Humble me so even if I am uncomfortable or displeased with what You deem right for me, I can accept it and continue to praise You. Keep my ears ready, my eyes ready, but most of all my heart Lord. This I solemnly pray in Christ's sake. Amen.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Coming Through In The Clutch
The Lord truly led me to the right passages of scripture today and here are the main points that I garnered.
1) People who are quick to anger are insane
2) Jealousy is retarded
3) If you sleep, you'll be poor
4) If you're rich, you'll get stupid
The first two are coming in pretty handy right about now
1) People who are quick to anger are insane
2) Jealousy is retarded
3) If you sleep, you'll be poor
4) If you're rich, you'll get stupid
The first two are coming in pretty handy right about now
Friday, May 12, 2006
A Special Vow
In the aforementioned post I mentioned that I was speaking with my aunt. Well in the course of conversation, I remarked that I hadn't let a razor touch my head since March. Little did I know I was making Biblical reference at the time.
So she called me a Nazirite and as I usually do when I don't know something while I'm online, I looked it up. Seems that it is the basis for dreadlocks amongst Rastafarians. More interesting is all that it entails.
I think at this crossroads of my life that measures beyond what I would have considered are necessary. So since I already have the hair and I decided to throw away my "strong drink" and I don't need to eat raisins, I think I will continue my hair growing and dedicate myself to the Lord. I need a special bridge and connection to make it seem a whole lot more real. Along with this fasting Sabbath (just water and Gatorade), this is the beginning of a whole new relationship with Christ. I intend to keep it this time.
So she called me a Nazirite and as I usually do when I don't know something while I'm online, I looked it up. Seems that it is the basis for dreadlocks amongst Rastafarians. More interesting is all that it entails.
I think at this crossroads of my life that measures beyond what I would have considered are necessary. So since I already have the hair and I decided to throw away my "strong drink" and I don't need to eat raisins, I think I will continue my hair growing and dedicate myself to the Lord. I need a special bridge and connection to make it seem a whole lot more real. Along with this fasting Sabbath (just water and Gatorade), this is the beginning of a whole new relationship with Christ. I intend to keep it this time.
Totally Twisted
The last 40 hours of my life have been totally odd. I have fell asleep on a training. Joked as I helped Coffee Bean out of her room. Been mad that Coffee Bean didn't seem all that grateful. Been giddy about jobs I found. Joked with Socrates. Had wonderful small talk with Coffee Bean. Made excellent jokes and felt totally comfortable with co-workers. But for the last 3 or 4 hours just sad. I don't know if it has to do with the rain. Or the realization that I hate my life. But I just want to cry right now.
I keep remembering what Discip said, about how depression is a rich person's disease. It's a silly statement but I understand where he's coming from. In my case it makes sense. I really have no reason to get depressed. Shelter? Check. Cash in the account? Check. Loving family? Check. Really nothing to complain about. The things I can complain about I can change or control so there's no big hubbub. It's all nonsense really.
Luckily though my aunt is online. And every time I interact with her I wonder why I don't talk to her more. She is really a cool person. She's actually making light of the fact that I burned my house down with my nasty habit. And still encouraging me. She's just awesome. And through her she's helped me maintain sanity enough to even write this.
Maybe it is just God sending me a lifesaver. He's great.
I keep remembering what Discip said, about how depression is a rich person's disease. It's a silly statement but I understand where he's coming from. In my case it makes sense. I really have no reason to get depressed. Shelter? Check. Cash in the account? Check. Loving family? Check. Really nothing to complain about. The things I can complain about I can change or control so there's no big hubbub. It's all nonsense really.
Luckily though my aunt is online. And every time I interact with her I wonder why I don't talk to her more. She is really a cool person. She's actually making light of the fact that I burned my house down with my nasty habit. And still encouraging me. She's just awesome. And through her she's helped me maintain sanity enough to even write this.
Maybe it is just God sending me a lifesaver. He's great.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
The Spirit World
Today I wanted to speak to my grandmothers. Actually I did. Then I remembered I didn't believe such things were possible. But for a moment I wish I did.
The allure of all things mystical is special to me because they allegedly offer insight into one's personality. Give me a personality test and I'll take it. So when the alignment of stars during the time I was born will give me insight into who I am and will be in the future, sign me up for the reading.
Now check that last statement. It's stupid. The stars tell me that I will work best with people born in certain months. Or if we take the Chinese version that I will work best with those from certain years. If I combine the two will that be the penultimate relationship? It's stupid.
Yet I can't shake the entertainment of it all. At least that's what I tell myself. Maybe I'll do it for my grandmothers
The allure of all things mystical is special to me because they allegedly offer insight into one's personality. Give me a personality test and I'll take it. So when the alignment of stars during the time I was born will give me insight into who I am and will be in the future, sign me up for the reading.
Now check that last statement. It's stupid. The stars tell me that I will work best with people born in certain months. Or if we take the Chinese version that I will work best with those from certain years. If I combine the two will that be the penultimate relationship? It's stupid.
Yet I can't shake the entertainment of it all. At least that's what I tell myself. Maybe I'll do it for my grandmothers
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Words of the Week
I ran into Sir Walcott, everyone's favorite philosophical teddy bear, on two occasions this week. On both, I was smart enough to ask for a word of the day on each occurrence and I was never disappointed. Now I share with you.
Concupiscence - A strong desire, especially sexual in nature; lust
Contravene - To act or be counter to, violate
Concupiscence - A strong desire, especially sexual in nature; lust
Contravene - To act or be counter to, violate
If Backsliding Was A Sport...
....you'd have a gold medal" Skillz
This morning I felt guilty because last night I went out drinking with the boys from work. My desire to belong overwhelmed the common sense I have been exhibiting for a two week stretch. And it was a fun time. Joking and talking and feeling like an equal. In hindsight though, the liquor was unnecessary to the proceedings. I still would have known that they respect me and trust me. I still would have laughed. It just made no sense.
But we must not dwell on our mistakes but rather learn from them. Though I blew a chance to be a "Workplace Witness," which God has been letting me do in rather surprising ways, I must keep myself ready for the next opportunity. The setback does not define me but rather it helps to mold the final product.
Today God led me to a passage in Jeremiah 13 where God was in the midst of admonishing the Israelites for the umpteenth time. But it made a serious point. God is just asking us to do what He would like to keep us safe. He'll always be God and He'll always be straight. He just wants it to happen for us too. In verses 15 - 17, He points out that we need to keep our lights on before they get blown out so we don't fall. My light went out temporarily but I don't plan on staying down.
This morning I felt guilty because last night I went out drinking with the boys from work. My desire to belong overwhelmed the common sense I have been exhibiting for a two week stretch. And it was a fun time. Joking and talking and feeling like an equal. In hindsight though, the liquor was unnecessary to the proceedings. I still would have known that they respect me and trust me. I still would have laughed. It just made no sense.
But we must not dwell on our mistakes but rather learn from them. Though I blew a chance to be a "Workplace Witness," which God has been letting me do in rather surprising ways, I must keep myself ready for the next opportunity. The setback does not define me but rather it helps to mold the final product.
Today God led me to a passage in Jeremiah 13 where God was in the midst of admonishing the Israelites for the umpteenth time. But it made a serious point. God is just asking us to do what He would like to keep us safe. He'll always be God and He'll always be straight. He just wants it to happen for us too. In verses 15 - 17, He points out that we need to keep our lights on before they get blown out so we don't fall. My light went out temporarily but I don't plan on staying down.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Apoptosis of Relationships
Excuse the big words but I just came back from acing a genetics test so bear with me.
Apoptosis is the programmed or regulated death of cells. Funny enough it is initiated by the cell itself when it realizes something has gone awry in its framework. The cell does try to repair itself, like when DNA might have mutated. But it often realizes it cannot and therefore kills itself.
Isn't that how relationships work sometime? Sometimes that death as quick as it needs to be, as we hold on to the DNA in our relationships that is still good and wonderful. And there is where the pain comes in. It's hard to know that something you love is slowly dwindling away.
Recently I got correspondence from Drizzle and I was super excited. I was quickly disappointed to find that it was only a forward. Ditto for one I received days later. I can say truthfully that I am over the romantic side of our relationship but I still treasured the friendship. Now that distance and time has grown, our ties are not as strong and therefore, the pull dies as well. I'm not one for many friends so when I lose one it hurts immeasurably.
But there is joy in other places and that which does not kill me makes me stronger
Apoptosis is the programmed or regulated death of cells. Funny enough it is initiated by the cell itself when it realizes something has gone awry in its framework. The cell does try to repair itself, like when DNA might have mutated. But it often realizes it cannot and therefore kills itself.
Isn't that how relationships work sometime? Sometimes that death as quick as it needs to be, as we hold on to the DNA in our relationships that is still good and wonderful. And there is where the pain comes in. It's hard to know that something you love is slowly dwindling away.
Recently I got correspondence from Drizzle and I was super excited. I was quickly disappointed to find that it was only a forward. Ditto for one I received days later. I can say truthfully that I am over the romantic side of our relationship but I still treasured the friendship. Now that distance and time has grown, our ties are not as strong and therefore, the pull dies as well. I'm not one for many friends so when I lose one it hurts immeasurably.
But there is joy in other places and that which does not kill me makes me stronger
It Might Seem Redundant
...but you can't convince me that God isn't great.
This new wake up and pray and study thing is working wonders. And to think He wanted me to do that the whole time. Where would I be had I followed through on his original plan way back then?
I have no real Bible study plan. I literally pray, ask God to guide me to the part He wants me to read, open my eyes and the Book and go. Today was no exception. He led me to Lamentations 3, a section I actually borrowed from to form the Senior Litany for two years ago. And now the words are even truer and more real to me. God is so amazing!
I really had to slow down when I was combing my hair because tears were coming to my eyes at the steady realization of how good He's been. I probably don't even totally fathom it. But I'm happy nonetheless.
“ Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ”- Romans 12:12
This new wake up and pray and study thing is working wonders. And to think He wanted me to do that the whole time. Where would I be had I followed through on his original plan way back then?
I have no real Bible study plan. I literally pray, ask God to guide me to the part He wants me to read, open my eyes and the Book and go. Today was no exception. He led me to Lamentations 3, a section I actually borrowed from to form the Senior Litany for two years ago. And now the words are even truer and more real to me. God is so amazing!
I really had to slow down when I was combing my hair because tears were coming to my eyes at the steady realization of how good He's been. I probably don't even totally fathom it. But I'm happy nonetheless.
“ Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ”- Romans 12:12
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
God Is A Great God
As you recall from my earlier post, it wasn't exactly the easiest morning yesterday. Thankfully I ended that post with an e-prayer, and even though I wasn't on my knees, He came through.
I went to class and said something mildly intelligent and coherent. Then I helped Coffee Bean write a paper. That made me feel good, though her indecision at points can be frustrating. At times I find it endearing and cute, which luckily is the majority.
I then went to the registrar and I had a lovely conversation with her. I'm not a fan of confrontation but I was calm and just went at it and it wasn't much of a confrontation at all. I guess it's just I don't like hearing bad or unfavorable news which is usually what I get. But she broke it down simply and calmly and it seems that as long as I hold up my end of the bargain, I will be a college graduate come July.
So that was pleasing and to continue on my face fears run I went and had a talk with Discip, my landlord. At first I was scared that I was going to hear some more unfavorable news. But it turned out he was in my corner more than I expected. He even gave me a pep talk. I never knew how much he thought of me. Because I respect him so much, that means a lot, especially in spite of what I just did to his house. He breaks things down amazingly as well and put everything in perspective. The main points I got from him were these: 1) Depression should not happen and if it does it can be easily beat by surrounding yourself with the right people and reflecting on the positives that are in your life and 2) When your eyes are on God, nothing is insurmountable. Matter of fact, it shines through you and everyone can see it and they are affected too. It's funny how our perceptions of people change over time. At first I thought he was an abrasive yet lackadaisacal individual but lately he's been more and more of a sage to me. I think he will be the Marcus Garvey Distinguished Professor of Philosophy at CMU.
Another blessing of that July graduation is that I will share it with people I kind of know. In May, it would have been weird because I wouldn't have really shared it with anyone. But Sim One and Bassline (co-founder of CMU) are graduating. Me and Bassline might even get shirts done with CMU on them. So that will be fun.
And finally I played hooky on work and had a wonderful time with Coffee Bean. We went to see a funny movie and hopped to the end of another one. Had some delicious heart stopping food. Played chess. Looked at the history of Playboy. Ended a year-long search for a book. I was even proactive when I came back and started to work on my resume now that graduation really seems probable
For two days straight, God has led me to the passages of the Bible he wants me to read. Yesterday was Psalms 54 - 56 and today was Ezra 9. Both apropros in the stickiest of times. Anyway I am gushing with energy and I have Him to thank for it.
I went to class and said something mildly intelligent and coherent. Then I helped Coffee Bean write a paper. That made me feel good, though her indecision at points can be frustrating. At times I find it endearing and cute, which luckily is the majority.
I then went to the registrar and I had a lovely conversation with her. I'm not a fan of confrontation but I was calm and just went at it and it wasn't much of a confrontation at all. I guess it's just I don't like hearing bad or unfavorable news which is usually what I get. But she broke it down simply and calmly and it seems that as long as I hold up my end of the bargain, I will be a college graduate come July.
So that was pleasing and to continue on my face fears run I went and had a talk with Discip, my landlord. At first I was scared that I was going to hear some more unfavorable news. But it turned out he was in my corner more than I expected. He even gave me a pep talk. I never knew how much he thought of me. Because I respect him so much, that means a lot, especially in spite of what I just did to his house. He breaks things down amazingly as well and put everything in perspective. The main points I got from him were these: 1) Depression should not happen and if it does it can be easily beat by surrounding yourself with the right people and reflecting on the positives that are in your life and 2) When your eyes are on God, nothing is insurmountable. Matter of fact, it shines through you and everyone can see it and they are affected too. It's funny how our perceptions of people change over time. At first I thought he was an abrasive yet lackadaisacal individual but lately he's been more and more of a sage to me. I think he will be the Marcus Garvey Distinguished Professor of Philosophy at CMU.
Another blessing of that July graduation is that I will share it with people I kind of know. In May, it would have been weird because I wouldn't have really shared it with anyone. But Sim One and Bassline (co-founder of CMU) are graduating. Me and Bassline might even get shirts done with CMU on them. So that will be fun.
And finally I played hooky on work and had a wonderful time with Coffee Bean. We went to see a funny movie and hopped to the end of another one. Had some delicious heart stopping food. Played chess. Looked at the history of Playboy. Ended a year-long search for a book. I was even proactive when I came back and started to work on my resume now that graduation really seems probable
For two days straight, God has led me to the passages of the Bible he wants me to read. Yesterday was Psalms 54 - 56 and today was Ezra 9. Both apropros in the stickiest of times. Anyway I am gushing with energy and I have Him to thank for it.
Monday, May 01, 2006
I Fucking Tore My Socks
Just trying to be proactive with the day. I actually followed through today and woke up early and ran and swam (albeit not entirely effectively) and I fucking tore my sock just putting it on. Are you kidding me?
It's just probably a perfect emblem for my life recently. I burned by house down like the insecure wolf I am and now reside back in the place I tried to escape with all my half hearted heart. Humbled in the last week to crying in front of my ex-girlfriend's parents/landlords, yet the shaking up that should have transpired has been squarely avoided by me. One week after I swore at my mother and shut down my father still I am at the same fucking place.
Seriously what the hell is wrong with me?
Well it starts here. Writing has always been cathartic for me. But oddly I've been avoiding it. Ideas have been swimming through my head but they're growing stagnant. So no more complaining. Just action.
It's sad because my favorite line to my favorite song is "I was taught when there's something you can change around/Keep quiet/You got nothing to complain about." I tell it to friends, acquaintances, and even my kids at work, yet I don't listen to the same morsel of genius. I'm so fucking tired.
I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of trying to act like something I'm really not. I'm tired of not being who I am supposed to be. This is fucking pathetic and my life has to change. 4 fucking months have transpired this year and I find myself more backwards than where I started. It's so so so sad.
I read horoscopes like they're the Bible. I read MySpace bulletins like it was the Bible too. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
It's time for a change. The gameplan has failed or maybe I haven't even followed through with it. I just want to work so it goes away.
Please Lord forgive me for my mouth. Forgive me for never calling on you or only when I am desperate for help. Forgive me for everything. You've been extremely good to me whatever the situation. And I know I don't deserve it, but you keep on delivering me and delivering me. It makes no sense but you do it. Help me to change. My heart is black and dirty and ugly. I'm preoccupied with all the wrong things. Help me to keep my eyes on you. That's all I'm asking. I don't care about a new job or graduating. I just want to keep my eyes on you. I'm tired of falling on my face over and over. Deliver me from my stupidity to a place of humbleness and wisdom. Please Please Please. I'm tired. You're the only one who can help. Don't let me lose what you've given me. I'm not even asking for blessings. I just want to feel you there. Guide my steps Lord. Take away the me that blocks you out and replace it with a humble, malleable spirit. Make me into the person you want Lord. I want to use so many big words right now. But its all so simple. Just take over. Simply take over. Make me dumb and blind to my own inclinations and make every step be yours. For Christ sake. Amen
It's just probably a perfect emblem for my life recently. I burned by house down like the insecure wolf I am and now reside back in the place I tried to escape with all my half hearted heart. Humbled in the last week to crying in front of my ex-girlfriend's parents/landlords, yet the shaking up that should have transpired has been squarely avoided by me. One week after I swore at my mother and shut down my father still I am at the same fucking place.
Seriously what the hell is wrong with me?
Well it starts here. Writing has always been cathartic for me. But oddly I've been avoiding it. Ideas have been swimming through my head but they're growing stagnant. So no more complaining. Just action.
It's sad because my favorite line to my favorite song is "I was taught when there's something you can change around/Keep quiet/You got nothing to complain about." I tell it to friends, acquaintances, and even my kids at work, yet I don't listen to the same morsel of genius. I'm so fucking tired.
I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of trying to act like something I'm really not. I'm tired of not being who I am supposed to be. This is fucking pathetic and my life has to change. 4 fucking months have transpired this year and I find myself more backwards than where I started. It's so so so sad.
I read horoscopes like they're the Bible. I read MySpace bulletins like it was the Bible too. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
It's time for a change. The gameplan has failed or maybe I haven't even followed through with it. I just want to work so it goes away.
Please Lord forgive me for my mouth. Forgive me for never calling on you or only when I am desperate for help. Forgive me for everything. You've been extremely good to me whatever the situation. And I know I don't deserve it, but you keep on delivering me and delivering me. It makes no sense but you do it. Help me to change. My heart is black and dirty and ugly. I'm preoccupied with all the wrong things. Help me to keep my eyes on you. That's all I'm asking. I don't care about a new job or graduating. I just want to keep my eyes on you. I'm tired of falling on my face over and over. Deliver me from my stupidity to a place of humbleness and wisdom. Please Please Please. I'm tired. You're the only one who can help. Don't let me lose what you've given me. I'm not even asking for blessings. I just want to feel you there. Guide my steps Lord. Take away the me that blocks you out and replace it with a humble, malleable spirit. Make me into the person you want Lord. I want to use so many big words right now. But its all so simple. Just take over. Simply take over. Make me dumb and blind to my own inclinations and make every step be yours. For Christ sake. Amen
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