Just trying to be proactive with the day. I actually followed through today and woke up early and ran and swam (albeit not entirely effectively) and I fucking tore my sock just putting it on. Are you kidding me?
It's just probably a perfect emblem for my life recently. I burned by house down like the insecure wolf I am and now reside back in the place I tried to escape with all my half hearted heart. Humbled in the last week to crying in front of my ex-girlfriend's parents/landlords, yet the shaking up that should have transpired has been squarely avoided by me. One week after I swore at my mother and shut down my father still I am at the same fucking place.
Seriously what the hell is wrong with me?
Well it starts here. Writing has always been cathartic for me. But oddly I've been avoiding it. Ideas have been swimming through my head but they're growing stagnant. So no more complaining. Just action.
It's sad because my favorite line to my favorite song is "I was taught when there's something you can change around/Keep quiet/You got nothing to complain about." I tell it to friends, acquaintances, and even my kids at work, yet I don't listen to the same morsel of genius. I'm so fucking tired.
I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of trying to act like something I'm really not. I'm tired of not being who I am supposed to be. This is fucking pathetic and my life has to change. 4 fucking months have transpired this year and I find myself more backwards than where I started. It's so so so sad.
I read horoscopes like they're the Bible. I read MySpace bulletins like it was the Bible too. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
It's time for a change. The gameplan has failed or maybe I haven't even followed through with it. I just want to work so it goes away.
Please Lord forgive me for my mouth. Forgive me for never calling on you or only when I am desperate for help. Forgive me for everything. You've been extremely good to me whatever the situation. And I know I don't deserve it, but you keep on delivering me and delivering me. It makes no sense but you do it. Help me to change. My heart is black and dirty and ugly. I'm preoccupied with all the wrong things. Help me to keep my eyes on you. That's all I'm asking. I don't care about a new job or graduating. I just want to keep my eyes on you. I'm tired of falling on my face over and over. Deliver me from my stupidity to a place of humbleness and wisdom. Please Please Please. I'm tired. You're the only one who can help. Don't let me lose what you've given me. I'm not even asking for blessings. I just want to feel you there. Guide my steps Lord. Take away the me that blocks you out and replace it with a humble, malleable spirit. Make me into the person you want Lord. I want to use so many big words right now. But its all so simple. Just take over. Simply take over. Make me dumb and blind to my own inclinations and make every step be yours. For Christ sake. Amen
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