Breaking Point

It happened as I held the door to a cool down as one of the cutest little boys screamed about how homesick he is and how badly he wants to leave the program. I didn't cry, but my optic nerve started to feel the pressure that accompanies tears. I just had to put my head down. I couldn't talk any more.

It makes sense that it happened on the last day of the month. There were only 5 days in November that I did not staff those children. And I think the Lord changed the shift pick up policy to just stop me from working. And I graciously accept it.

It's time. I'm burning myself up. And today I really started to realize how deep these law school applications are. Plus I need to get myself set up to move. And my spiritual life is in shambles. I have to slow down. I drowned myself in their problems and created another one for myself.

All is not lost though. Life will continue. I will succeed.

That is all

The Fall Out Continues

So this one kid at work has like at least one weekly overblown dramatic episode usually over the most menial of things (i.e. cleaning his room). Tonight I guess was the scheduled date for the blowout. So the ungrateful kid goes on a trip to dinner out and to watch a movie. They get back around 8:45 and around 9:30 he's having his episode because he didn't want his light turned off.

Now most nights at 9:30 he's already down for the count. Now he's having a freaking issue cause we're turning out the light that would have been out already? And worst of all he's taking his voice to insane levels as the rest of his hall sleeps. As his roommate is trying to sleep.

So I really let him have it cause I really just wanted him to be quiet and realize what the hell needs to happen. Honestly kid, you can't want to kill yourself cause your light has to be turned off. You got other issues that you're projecting onto this one.

I felt bad about it and apologized for my change in tone but the sentiment remained. I still need to stop working so much though

Evil Ones

So there's this lady at work who has been working at the school for like 9 years or something. Now she's a night awake at our house meaning that she works the overnight shift. I must say that she's really uber-punctual, actually early on most nights. She has screamed at some of us for being late on Sunday morning, but for some reason I've staved off lecturing so far. So I thought we were cool.

Now lesson for all those who work with kids, psychotic or not: you never know when they're listening. So low and behold one of my boys informs me that she doesn't think me and Latte can run a good shift. Like we let kids get away with anything. Another boy pipes in and reiterates the accuracy of the information.

What the fuck?!?!

Not to mention this woman just screams on kids. Granted she got bit so bad that her arm turned a bit black and blue. But honestly if you can't leave your anger at the door when you come to work with boys who are already damaged, then please turn around and go in. And she doesn't think I run a good shift. Yeah maybe that's why we barely have holds or timeouts. But that stuff must not count. It's all about how much control you can exhibit over the kids.

Whatever. She's on the S-List now.

I Know I Use Superlatives A Lot

But this had to be one of the best days ever. (You know I started to think about it. Maybe I should just categorize my days in some sort of hierarchy. Cause they can't all be the best day ever. And it seems that some days are all equally fantastic that it would be difficult to rank.)

First Luna came and we gallivanted around the city. Took her to Brooklyn, ate some Indian. Showed her Chinatown and Soho. Dessert in the West Village. And she left me again. For another month. But the 6 hours was splendid and the rest is between me and her so boo to you.

Then I bought an iPod. Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just ambled about Penn Station and then Nitro came through and we went to the opera to see Il Barbiere di Siviglia (The Barber of Seville) over at the Met. I felt bad cause I looked shabby but then I got there and saw much more shabby patrons. Me and Nitro played the Melanin Game (How many minorities are at this elite cultural event? Asians do not count because they skew the numbers. Final count was like 6). Oh yeah the opera was pretty darn good. The tenor had a great voice but me and Nitro agreed he was too short. The barber was excellent. Man everyone was excellent.

And I even had a great voice mail from the one and only Socrates and that made me smile. Now a most fantastic slumber awaits before I head to my young rapscallions tomorrow.

What To Be Thankful For

I was just on the hall looking at the boys I have remaining and thinking about how thankful I am that they are behaving. And I'm also thankful I am working with staff I get along with that can actually relax and laugh. I'm thankful I have a job that I like. Thankful for a job that leads me to meet cool people who also hook me up with things like a house and invitations to thanksgiving dinner. I'm thankful for music. I'm thankful for Columbia Law School sending me a fee waiver and seemingly actively recruiting me. I'm thankful for all the relationships I have, which I never expect too much from but somehow deliver more than I could ever imagine. I'm thankful for the ability to take a plunge. I'm thankful for the ability to suck it up.

God's mercies are infinite so I guess I am most thankful for him. He provided it all.

Random Question

If you had a band named after a food, what would their name be and what type of music would they perform?

Responses so far:

Luna: Band Name - Cobbler
Music - Tin Pan Alley style jazz
Members - Female vocalist, male vocalist, bassist, trumpeter, drummer, pianist

Coffee Bean: Band Name - Combusticated Lemons
Music - Rock
Members - Guitarist, Vocalist, Drummer, Bassist

Bonsi: Band Name - Cornbread
Music - Louis Armstrong jazz


Myself: Band Name - Baked Ziti
Music - Jam Band/Progressive Rock
Members - Keyboardist, Drummer/Vocalist, Guitarist/Vocalist, Lead Guitarist, Bass Guitarist
First Album: Appliances Can Be Furniture Too

Back To Back Goodness

It's been such a long week. I really didn't know what to expect for the weekend. I just wanted a break. But the Lord has bigger plans and who am I to deny Him?

So Sabbath started off well. Went to church with Coffee Bean and Bonsi. Bonsi cooked excellently as he always does and then I went off to take my nap. But before that a walk, which was interrupted by my friend from work. So two hours later, after standing in the cold and talking to her, also interrupted by Bassline in his whip, I finally went inside for a nap. But then I had a convo with Luna. And then I went out to eat with Bassline. Then we went to a concert which had the music majors in competition. So that was hilarious. Then Bonsi came and joined and he made fun of them too cause he is a music major. Then afterwards, our Bond movie expedition fell through but Coffee Bean, Bonsi, and I went back to his place and had good times watching Nacho Libre. Fun filled relaxed Saturday so I must have had to pay for it today right.

Wrong. Honestly one of the best Sundays I have ever worked and the house was relatively full for most of it. The kids were polite. We only had to use the solution area twice and for no more than 5 minutes. Had fun with the co-workers. It was just a general party all around. I even continued my streak of getting gifts from children after their visits (today's prizes: Sobe Adrenaline Rush and a chocolate letter).

Now I dread the back to back double cause I have to be up for CPR training at 8:45 am. Oh well after such a great weekend I can suck it up.

Spoiled

It's a word I hear enough being an only child. And I never thought I was that spoiled. But it's all starting to make sense. I am spoiled. And sheltered. Just being in a Wal-Mart last night helped me figure that out.

How you say? Because they had a sweet 32" LCD HDTV for $700 and I already had it in my heart to get it. Like I was entitled to it. Now luckily I'm not that spoiled to expect someone to hand it to me. In my mind, I was hoping that labor and the holiday season would be good to me. But still, why do I just expect some things?

I don't work enough. I don't feel like I've paid enough dues. Like I'm skating through life. Let's just break the damn ice already

I'm Golden

Yeah so I just saw my former/would-be choir director. And I went to practice one week and then missed the next two but he said that he still wants me in the men's group. And they don't practice till next semester. Cha-ching.

Ad Nauseam

My current sleep DVD is the first season of Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist, which was a show on Comedy Central in the mid-90s. Anyhoo, as I was watching and now listening to the commentary, I realize how much I hate ads. There was a point where they were clever and entertaining, but their pervasiveness into American culture is annoying.

Even on this show which I'm not sure many people watched, they were asked to do product placement. Can their just be entertainment to entertain? Why can't the person be drinking a soda and not have to be a Coke? Capitalism is a necessary evil but it doesn't have to be this bloody annoying.

Shift Change

I think I realized why I like work so much. For a certain amount of hours every day, I don't have to think about myself. There's just no time with kids that need so much attention. It also helps that I'm good at my job and I also like people I work with.

As crappy as I have felt today, by the end of shift I had a brighter outlook. And just like I said when I started to feel like shit, God will come through. It might not be on the timetable I would prefer, but it's gonna happen.

I need to go to church this weekend

So Ready

to move the fuck on with life.


Lord give me strength and determination.

Blah

I feel as though I have hit a rut. Not debilitating just yet. Well maybe it isn't a rut. I generally feel happy and optimistic but I also feel listless and not like doing anything. This is especially problematic considering I need to get these law school applications done. Such is life. I'll sip a Rockstar and see what happens.

Bored I Guess

I am running shift again. Latte called out so here I am running the show.

I want to blog but then I guess I really don't have much to talk about.

I like running the show so to speak. It gets hectic at times and I hate being the bad guy at times, but then the kids need it. There really was a boy who threw salad and a plate at one kid and hit and kicked another one today who really thought he was going to be able to watch TV tonight. The fact that he thought it would happen just shows me how much we've slipped. The idea that you could assault someone and have fun 7 hours later is so jacked up. The iron curtain shall fall.

I went to pick up my mail the other day. And the law schools have started to recruit in earnest. It's promising for me, especially since every once in a while I get mail from a school I was actually considering. When they put in a fee waiver it's even better. But I wonder how eager they will be once they see my scatter shot history. God will provide.

Anyway, crisis ensues around me. I must go.

Yeah I Am That Ninja

(I would have used a certain racial slur in place of "Ninja" in the title but I like to keep the blogs as clean as possible. Dig?)

So I picked up a shift at work because I am Superman and I am that nasty. But when you pick up, you get to dictate your hours, so like usual I put down that I would leave at 8. Kids asleep, do a couple of chores, and be out.

Yeah not how it worked out. I was in the solution area (think detention in your house) from 4 - 10. That's right kids, I didn't leave till 10. Why? Well honestly in residential, it's basically a crapshoot. And today the shit hit the fan. (So much for cleanliness in speech)

Long story short, kids were just being assholes to kids all day. Their psychoses all seem to be acting up a lot lately and they all just bunched together for one huge issue that happened right at bedtime. But Superman that I am, I still had meaningful discussions with like four of the kids who had issues and I feel it was positive so no worries. And even though all that stuff was going on, I didn't lose my cool which has been happening a little more frequently than I'd like to.

Plus I'm going back tomorrow. They ain't found kryptonite for me yet and I doubt they will be able to locate it.

Bite That Tongue

It just occurred to me how often I have to bite my tongue in the air of being tactful and respectful. Case in point, yesterday we had a staff meeting with our Chief Operating Officer and her direct underling going over where our program is after we were in crisis mode over the summer. Finally she actually called on me by name since I was abnormally quiet and the question was over staff morale. I basically made a witty joke about living there so obviously morale is better.

But I was just thinking that I probably wanted to say "Yeah morale must be better because I don't wake up everyday dreading the fact that I have to go to work. And when I get there I don't immediately begin to count down the minutes until I leave. So yeah the fact that I don't have a regular urge to pull out my hair must mean that morale has improved."

See isn't it better when we don't say the first thing that comes to our heads?

Class dismissed

Distressing News

So on a return from a run to Barnes & Noble with Coffee Bean she dramatically turns down the radio and announces that my Gay Catholic Friend supposedly would like to do things to me that many right wing voters would consider distasteful. Frankly the thought abhors me myself. But he has been honestly telling people that he would like to do stuff with me and man that is so not cool on a myriad of levels.

Disclaimer from the start: I love gay people. I honestly support their mission and right to function unhindered like any other person. My only thing is that I know that ain't my choice so please don't try to convince me otherwise. While I display certain traits, mainly my love of things cultural, that seem to make people initially curious as to whether I am gay or not, the fact is I wholeheartedly am not. There will never be a man on earth that attracts me as much as the finely toned calf of a woman wearing some bad-ass heels. I personally think the male body is quite repulsive while the female's is one of the primary pieces I offer as evidence of God's existence.

Coffee Bean pointed out that I am a whore for attention and I guess this is the karmic consequence for being too friendly. So now I go about the weird business of removing him from my MySpace top friends and just generally keeping a low cover. Such is life.

Ummmm

I feel like dancing. A LOT.

Lately.

This ends our broadcast

Live From The Manor

So today I woke up late for work. But luckily I am on very good terms with the night awake lead that precedes me so that was cool. And I am running shift.

But it's going so great. One problem child has been asleep. There are multiple visits happening out the woodwork. Oh it's fantastic. I'm listening to the Roots on Radio VH1.

It's a great day (except it's extra chilly in Michigan). Enjoy children enjoy.

Another Reason To Stay Healthy

So watching the tube, I hear this black guy start talking about his hypertension. Then a white guy is talking about his diabetes. And I start wondering what a white guy and a black guy with two different conditions have in common. Has there been some pharmaceutical created that eradicates two very real threats in my family medical history?

Sadly no. Seems both conditions can lead to erectile dysfunction. Great so not only am I predisposed to these conditions but they might affect my ability to be the casanova I was destined to be. Is there any hope?

Now I really have to start taking care of myself, like the three week phlegm hasn't been enough of a warning.

The Fraternity

My father used to comment about the people who stood in front of buildings in the winter on their smoke breaks. It always confounded him as to why these people willingly left warmth to do something that brought mostly harm to themselves. As I grew up I nodded in agreement. And once I made my own forays into nicotine, I so wanted to explain just how badly you need that hit sometimes. Blizzards are nothing when you need that charge going through your synapses.

And everyone that smokes feels the pain and there's a sense of brotherhood about it. Smokers might be the most unselfish group of people ever. Because as a smoker, one knows that if they see someone with a pack, if they ask politely, you'll probably get one if you're out and also a light to go with it. That smoking fraternity dwindles with every year, but somehow the bond seems to get stronger.

In the city, I have a longing for that fraternity. I won't lie. There is something romantic in the idea of people just smoking and walking or doing whatever. Maybe I've been bamboozled by all that clever marketing the tobacco companies seem to have a knack at. But wouldn't being part of a group with members everywhere be really appealing? People might reply that there is a Jesus group, but it's not the same because people in that group are so diversified. With smokers it's simple. No pretenses. No politics. Oh well. Maybe I'll start my own

Are You Crying?

My eyes react to the slightest of breezes. If the breeze is sustained and at a velocity anywhere above normal, my eyes start to tear. When it's real wind, forget it. I can't get 7 steps without tears streaming down my face. And always the queries from the people that see me upon arriving at my destination. "Are you crying?"

I started to theorize that maybe they are all the tears that I should have cried in the past. I've never been a crier. A thrower. A swearer. A slammer of doors. But never tears. Even when they do come out, they are in small trickles, barely noticeable. Most times, when I am in an emotional state that many would cry in, my eyes get wet. But they have developed an amazing ability not to let those tears fall and somehow they recede into me again.

But that's why I think the wind brings them out. The human body can only hold so much. And whatever I've been putting it through, the wind helps bring out the tears I should have cried so many times. Like today, when I found out the past is something you can only ignore for so long. Eventually the things you did or didn't do can catch up to you until you deal with them.

So as I walk the streets of New York City, marveling at an industrious set of people who laid down cobblestone streets over a century ago, tears fall down my face. I'm not sure if I'm crying or not and I personally don't want to know. But I'll let the wind bring whatever it is out of me, and take it away to some other corner of the world where people can do something with it.

Back To The Barbershop

A regular ritual of mine upon returning to the city is to head to the barbershop and get a cut. Something about that early morning trip is very liberating. The air is crisp. I feel as if I am amongst real people.

The barbershop presents a weird dichotomy. At once, I am proud of the talent, dedication, and struggle exhibited by the many characters that populate it throughout the day. But sometimes when I listen to their discussion, I get depressed about the cycle that continues to perpetuate in the Black community. Even as my personal hair artisan was joking about another customer's prowess on the handball courts, the discussion quickly turned to a listing of the places that they used to buy marijuana in their younger days. What can you do, especially when you're laughing along with them?

It's still nice though. I'm thankful for the time I go there and also thankful that it is so short. It's easy to fall in love with their tales of debauchery and hustle and also easy to see why so many never make it out of their basement adjacent dwellings. Love/hate has never been so dramatically illustrated