Why Did They Do It

They fixed the wireless router in my house. They fixed the wireless router in my house.

I have the internet on a regular basis now.

Does anyone realize the repercussions of this event?

Well the month of December will no longer be overlooked. Tootles

Church With The Old Folks

So today church was especially exciting because it seems there was an impromptu reunion of former students of the Hanson Place Elementary School. There was one guy, former nemesis (at least in my head), back to bless his baby in his Marine outfit. Along with his wife and 3 other kids, we were told that he was soon to leave for Iraq. I don't know why I was crying for my acquaintance that I was never really cool with, but I was. During the break for Communion, I went down to see him and say hi in person and there were two more former students. One is my boy whio used to sing in choir with me and is now a therapist out in Cali. Another just finished up his degrees in speech pathology. Yet another is working on his masters in engineering. It was so nice to see five black men doing things the right way. I felt a little behind, I won't lie. But I was more proud of the fact that I was still on the same track, and that's something to praise God about.

The Quarter Century

Yeah I'm 25 now.

Don't feel too different.

Don't like changing my age category for registering my iPOd (25 - 33!!!!!!!!!! How do you go from 18 - 24 to 25 - 33?)

Life is good though.

I think I might actually want to grow up.

Maybe The Adrenaline Declaration Was Early

Okay so I'm starting to realize that my manic behavior since I've been home might be tied more to the pavement of New York City. Seriously, each time I step out my apartment building I get a charge. Possibly there is something in the asphalt or cement that connects with my being that makes me feel like I can fly. If only I could take it with me.

My Missing Family

Oh father has always been a bit reticient in encouraging interactions with his families. His upbringing is obviously a sensitive and overlooked issue in his life. His relations with both of his divorced parents is/was strained and he has a strange relationship with his closest sibling, his only full brother. All his younger half siblings also share an interesting type of malaise with life as well. Although the youngest is in his mid-thirties, all five have had few interactions with major romantic relationships and seemingly try to minimize their interactions with my lovable but also overbearing grandfather and his also overbearing wife.

So it came as a surprise when my mom relayed that out of nowhere one of these half-siblings randomly sent my father a text message saying he would help out with my outstanding bill at school after hearing of my plight from my grandfather. It moved me to tears because sometimes you forget that there are people out there that care for you even though its not always apparent. I became upset when my mother continued to tell me my father's reaction, which was to complain that someone was sending a text message when he had no plan for it. I think its more of a pride issue with him. And to some degree I don't want anyone helping me too much. But when you're between a rock and a hard place, you can't complain about how uncomfortable the rock is especially when someone is trying to get you out of there.

Have to love the family though.

I Need To Stop Drinking Adrenaline Rush

I cannot keep still. I dance in the streets. My brain is mush. Everything is constantly moving. Woe is me. But not for long cause I've got Adrenaline Rush

Tony Sinclair

Why are the commercials for spirits often the most entertaining? Man that Lucifer is a smart one.

Niceness Continues

So the staff at Perkins trust me enough in my new position to run shift to actually free me from the confines of my own program and supervise another program's shift. Now usually when my supervisor or his contemporary get the news that they have to sup at the girls' program, they roll their eyes. It's understandable. Each program has its own system of mores and norms and it's like a new learning curve every time you go.

But I chose to be optimistic. First, they trust me enough to do it. Second, I actually like the girls. Every time I've worked there, they've been darlings and whenever I see them like in school or anything, it's a "What's up" and a high five or something. So with some trepidation, I walked myself over there.

Excellent shift. Just straight fun. Singing in the hallways. Activities, routines, and bedtime were seamless. Apology letters written. Girls accepting consequences without flipping out. Utterly fantastic. I mean there were some holds, but nothing I could have done from a supervisory sense. Both girls were freaking out about their upcoming holiday visits and happened to take it out on staff. But they both talked it out and were fine for the rest of the night.

Man I almost feel bad that I never went for their supervisor position since it was open for so long. Then I think I couldn't deal with the feminine issues on a day-in day-out basis. But it was fun while it lasted.

Wait Was I Bragging About Niceness

Okay so the night was not so much fun.

Holds all over the place.

Yes I Am That Nice

So there I am with a trusty vanilla chai in hand at 7 in the morning amongst my boys. The whole ride I was questioning the wisdom of my decision to work 5 doubles (yeah that's right) in a row. Just as I was getting the message that my body needed a break, I subject it to this punishment. But once I hit that floor though...whew...let me tell you....

Magic.

I just hit the ground runnng. First I got a notorious non-morning child up and changed and down for breakfast which pretty much never happens. Then I got another kid his daily toothbrush and even figured out a way to help him keep them from getting lost all the time. Then in the school, I stopped a kid who was identified as helping one of my boys with a personal struggle some weeks before. And throughout the day I was the designated walker for two of the students who I think managed to do a fantastic job considering all the struggling they could have done. Finally I sensed danger at the end of the day and defused a crisis just at a crucial point.

Now I am taking a break in my MacGuyver like day. What will the night bring?

Moving Day

So at the break of dawn I was up today doing all the things I should have done last night when I chose the early night in. First I put everything in garbage bags for easy moving. Sectioned things off for easier distribution. Finally cleaned the place to the best of my ability (sadly, the blood stain is still visible. Glad I did not leave a forwarding address). And as I was playing Jesus music, Banana called to say that she would be there in 10 minutes. Guess I would need to put a shirt on.

So 25 minutes of sweaty stair running & stuffing + 20 minutes of driving + 15 minutes of unpacking to basement + 1 hour excursion to purchase phone & things for Banana + 20 minutes of bag moving and mattress filling + 45 minute grocery shopping trip + 15 minutes unpacking some more = Details is in the building. Now if we can just get the internet working it would be a dream.

Movies Seep Into The Subconscious

I happened to go to Blockbuster on my disappointed Saturday and I picked up Kissing Jessica Stein. Now this movie I discovered some late night on Cinemax and I distinctly remember wanting to see it. The basic plot is that a single girl so fed up with the dating scene randomly decides to go the lesbian route in a chance happening. Cute, funny little movie. Glad it's in my library.

The main point of this post is that there is a point where one of the characters refers to a relationship and says "Let it marinate." The next character even remarks about the novelty of using marinate as a verb and not refer to cooking. Now I use that line all the time. Funny how the chance viewing of a movie so long ago controlled my speech patterns year after its original arrival. Amazing. Simply amazing.

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Sorry it ain't about Jesus this time.

So we got a relatively new staff named Sparrow that I don't get to interact with cause she works on the other side of the week. But today we were talking and it was cool to find out that she lived like two minutes fom my new place so yay another possible ride till I get off my ass and get myself a personal vehicle. Plus it was nice to know that someone else was on the same page in terms of working with the kids.

That's it. Just another introduction to a character in my world.

Hip Hop Brings Even Troubled Children Together

So a couple weeks back I brought some music into work to listen to in the office and left it on the computer so that me and my boy Latte could listen to it as we did supervisory things in the office. One of our boys is a little too familiar with the staff office and I guess he wandered in and heard it. (Thank God it was the clean version). So it was underground hip-hop and he expressed an interest in it. You know I brought him a CD the next day.

So now he goes around saying that the songs are in his head and even saying that underground is so much better than mainstream. Even 12-year olds with issues know that the music is superior. And get this. A kid he was having major issues with heard the CD and was vibing to it and now they're cool.

Hip-hop is so damn powerful people

Update: Those boys are now roommates whereas two weeks ago they couldn't eat dinner together.

Saturday With The Picaresque

As you know, last week our plans for adventure were derailed by an unexpected visitor, but this week Coffee Bean and I headed out to see Bonsi sing and then have our planned meal. Well Bonsi was already out there so me and Coffee Bean headed out there with no rush. We left school later then we had planned and we dawdled at Dunkin Donuts too.

The ride there was fine until we got off the highway and into the streets of Chestnut Hill which is a suburb of Boston. On the ride, we did see a closer Cheesecake Factory then the one we were planning to go to but we ended getting overzealous with the directions and sadly we got lost. We got tense. We dealt with racist people ginving us directions. And I realized that when people are tense I definitely soak it up to an unhealthy level. There were times I just wanted to get out the car and just walk.

Thankfully it was unnecessary and we made it to the concert, somewhere close to the end. It was no big thing. We had just heard it the week before and Bonsi later informed us it was nothing to sneeze at. So off we headed to The Cheesecake Factory and we were actually seated right away. Lovely server named Sean helped us out the whole time. We all had the same cocktail ("The Ritz") which was lovely and wonderful. But even more fulfilling than the food and drink was just the company. Coffee Bean and Bonsi are just fun, you can't explain it any other way.

After we ate, we walked around the adjoining mall and saw particularly curious statues of reindeers that even inspired Bonsi to coin a new tune on the spot ("Homosexual Reindeer" coming to stores next year). We wanted to seee a movie but the driving in that town was just to harrowing so we headed back to school. (It was so harrowing that CB ran a red light and got pulled over but luckily she's a cute girl who made a smart plea and she got off with a warning)

It's kind of sad that I will see them less next semester after I move. I really have fun with them and actually long to hang out with them more. They give me a positive vibe I really don't get anywhere else. I gueess that's why you slow down and take the time to appreciate life before it passes you by.

It's Brick

For some reason Massachusetts seems to think that it's OK to be 51 degrees one day and then drop to 19 on the next one. That's bush. Bush league.

Memory Retention Is A Bitch

It just occurred to me that I had a not so nice dream last night. And one of the central elements of it was something I barely can consciously remember. But it just illustrates how amazing the mind can be at holding onto stuff and how careful one must be with what it ingests.

Like there are certain words that I will hear and I can remember rhymes or other song lyrics that incorporate the word, and sometimes they are songs that I listened to once or long ago in that weird period we like to call high school.

I used to watch a religious kids series named McGee & Me and one of the songs from it captured the thought perfectly: "Put it in your mind, it's gonna stay right there in your heart"

That's real. Something to think about

New Digs

I finally saw my new place tonight. I won't lie. It's kind of small. I'm wondering how I will fit all my stuff.

But I am pleased as punch. It's cozy and sweet. I already love Banana and I know I will love her sister (who I'm sure will develop a nickname soon). Plus it just means I get to shop for new stuff.

But it's nice. I'm not that worried about living with two females the way everybody seems to warn me about. Now I gotta go get to packing

Appreciation

A big problem over the summer when staff morale was especially low was that we weren't getting positive reinforcement that we were doing a good job. In our line of work, it's apparent that many of the luxuries from other lines of work will never be seen. So just the "Hey good job" or the occasional free pizza and soda goes a long way in keeping us from losing our minds. Sadly it didn't happen.

Now that has changed a whole lot with the installation of a new program director and assistant program director. But still the notes of appreciation from people that you don't always work with are even sweeter. And I got two today.

First, one of our boys ran into the receptionist's office and I skillfully got him out with only words and she told me "You're the man." That means a lot because she's worked in the building for a while and has seen her share of staff-client interactions so that's on point. Then I had to go to school to pick up a kid from our version of detention which is served in the cafeteria. So I got there a little early and the Director for Education actually asked me to escort a girl to a solution area even though her program staff was there. Plus she called me by name which I didn't think she knew. So that was even better because somewhere or somehow she saw me in action or heard about me and that made enough of an impression on her to trust me to take a potentially violent girl to the solution area. Weird way to compliment but hey I'll take it.

I'll be on a high all day.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Last night during my self-imposed solitude I got a text and a voice mail from Wolf Fighter. I did not respond to either cause that would have signified a reach out to the outside world and it was probably work related and seeing that I would have to be there for 14.5 hours today I wanted to be free of thinking of the boys.

If only I had answered.

So we come into work with the news that one entire wing of the house shouldn't be doing anything because it was chaotic the night before. Seems a boy tore out half of his wall and broke through to the other side. But all we had was an e-mail saying that they shouldn't be doing anything. And Wolf Fighter told me that the supervisor and one of her staff were planning on coming in to make sure that they didn't do anything.

Umm let me check. Are you working today? No. Did you leave a detailed message saying what privileges you hoped would be revoked? No. So damn it me and Latte gonna do what we gotta do according to the information that's presented to us. And honestly it was a fantastic day. The boys all took their consequences without resistance. I watched a complete football game and an entertaining episode of Drake & Josh.

Now wall-ripper returns from the Crisis Unit and breaks down the night. Seems that another boy threw a phone at another staff and punched her. Now this is the first I'm hearing of it but it's at 9:30 at night. The kid did the consequence we thought he deserved but then he was playing. if we had known he threw a phone he would have been doing jack all day. Now obviously it looks like we let kids get away with murder when that occurs, but then how can we do anything else when we have no details about what transpired.

Please don't say I don't get my shit done when it is in fact you being unable to handle your shit that makes it look like I can't handle my responsibilities. Join a sorority and step your game up or just shut the fuck up.

So Much

I am sitting on a wealth of emotions right now. I'm tempted to be sad but I keep fighting it cause deep down I know that I am not that.

So yesterday I had my breakthrough and a wonderful positive outlook. Today I even decided to go to church even though Coffee Bean's boyfriend made a surprise visit. And I had to stay clear of them and such. Then me and Bonsi had a planned arrangement to go eat in Boston but that fell through cause he had to ride with his choir director to his rehearsal instead of taking his car.

So I think I am most sad about that. It seems as though Bonsi and I have the potential to have a meaningful friendship that does not include Coffee Bean, as it always has, and not because I happen to be dating his cousin. Often I have noticed that Bonsi and I have very similar thought patterns and even tastes in clothes. I think I was really looking forward to forging ahead with that. I'm sure the Lord will present more opportunities if it should happen. I'm not sweating it at all.

But maybe the Lord is just giving me this stuff to force myself to have some alone time. Some time to just be. To just be.

Currently Mozart's Requiem is playing in my ears (Why did it take me so long to get an iPod?) and I find it amazingly fulfilling. I'm glad I don't need to go to my secular hip-hop in order to enjoy myself. I worried myself for a while. I don't even feel the need to hear it. Usually in cases like this I have a cutoff point in my head when my jams will return. Not now. I kind of am mad I didn't think to put more classical music on here. Not really feeling my gospel either. Just a little too fast for me right now.

My body I think just needs to slow down. The last month has just been a constant blur of activity. I work for extended periods of time and then I go hang out till all hours of the morning. I barely had time to do laundry and such. My mailbox is up to 250 new messages. But God is sending me a message to slow down and I'm finally accepting it.

Luna sent me the most darling pictures. I wanted to cry when I saw them. Something is seriously happening there. I feel something inside of me that I have never felt before. It's not the strongest feelings I have ever felt, yet, but so far they seem like the most secure and pure and joyous. They are devoid of many of the obstacles that frayed my earlier emotions with my previous dalliances. For once, my biggest insecurity is something that is beyond our control and that is the distance. But soon that will dissipate somewhat. In the past, there was always other stuff that held me back that was either my doing or the other party's or usually both. Not so with this one. The Lord has truly blessed me with a truly awesome woman who hasn't even reached her potential. It's sweet and nice and wonderful. I want to tell her those three words so badly, but I think that's just my brain's need to love more than real emotions. I still believe the day will come, but like I said earlier I just need to let it marinate and enjoy the journey. Rushing is what has always got me in trouble. This is too special to rush. But I don't want to go too slow either.

Already I feel better. Agnus Dei is playing. Maybe it all works together that we are putting my sadness to rest. Sweet requiem

Thank God I Can't Write Blogs When I Want

Oh today. Cloudy outside. I just woke up blah even before I realized it was cloudy. My head was just not itself. It even rejected hip-hop. I just threw on some Halleglory playlist and sorted through ever more laundry in preparation for my upcoming move.

The laundry I was sorting was stuff that was in the apartment after the fire, so I was bombarded with smoke smells as I ripped open each bag. I kept knocking over my law school recruitment correspondence which contributed to my mood because it made me remember how much I had to do.

Somehow in the midst of being so maudlin I probably accomplished the most I have in a really long while. First up I was actually up before 9. I actually did laundry. And I actually followed through on a thought to go see a professor I've been meaning to see for two months even when she was excessively busy. I didn't run away.

And you know what? The Lord had to be guiding me the whole time. I don't know why he put it in my heart to make sure I saw her. But I just laid out everything. It was an explosion. And beautifully she offered the reassurance I needed and not what I didn't. I am so grateful for her existence and her interest and just continual bothering of me. I'm sad I never took advantage of it before and have taken it for granted for this long. No more. I gotta step my game up.

Sadly in the interim, I was rude to Luna. I really regret that. I always never liked that about myself. I think I like being by myself so much cause I hate to think that my emotions can influence the emotions of others and I don't want the responsibility of being responsible. Such is life.

Today is my last shift of overtime for some time. I promise.