So Much

I am sitting on a wealth of emotions right now. I'm tempted to be sad but I keep fighting it cause deep down I know that I am not that.

So yesterday I had my breakthrough and a wonderful positive outlook. Today I even decided to go to church even though Coffee Bean's boyfriend made a surprise visit. And I had to stay clear of them and such. Then me and Bonsi had a planned arrangement to go eat in Boston but that fell through cause he had to ride with his choir director to his rehearsal instead of taking his car.

So I think I am most sad about that. It seems as though Bonsi and I have the potential to have a meaningful friendship that does not include Coffee Bean, as it always has, and not because I happen to be dating his cousin. Often I have noticed that Bonsi and I have very similar thought patterns and even tastes in clothes. I think I was really looking forward to forging ahead with that. I'm sure the Lord will present more opportunities if it should happen. I'm not sweating it at all.

But maybe the Lord is just giving me this stuff to force myself to have some alone time. Some time to just be. To just be.

Currently Mozart's Requiem is playing in my ears (Why did it take me so long to get an iPod?) and I find it amazingly fulfilling. I'm glad I don't need to go to my secular hip-hop in order to enjoy myself. I worried myself for a while. I don't even feel the need to hear it. Usually in cases like this I have a cutoff point in my head when my jams will return. Not now. I kind of am mad I didn't think to put more classical music on here. Not really feeling my gospel either. Just a little too fast for me right now.

My body I think just needs to slow down. The last month has just been a constant blur of activity. I work for extended periods of time and then I go hang out till all hours of the morning. I barely had time to do laundry and such. My mailbox is up to 250 new messages. But God is sending me a message to slow down and I'm finally accepting it.

Luna sent me the most darling pictures. I wanted to cry when I saw them. Something is seriously happening there. I feel something inside of me that I have never felt before. It's not the strongest feelings I have ever felt, yet, but so far they seem like the most secure and pure and joyous. They are devoid of many of the obstacles that frayed my earlier emotions with my previous dalliances. For once, my biggest insecurity is something that is beyond our control and that is the distance. But soon that will dissipate somewhat. In the past, there was always other stuff that held me back that was either my doing or the other party's or usually both. Not so with this one. The Lord has truly blessed me with a truly awesome woman who hasn't even reached her potential. It's sweet and nice and wonderful. I want to tell her those three words so badly, but I think that's just my brain's need to love more than real emotions. I still believe the day will come, but like I said earlier I just need to let it marinate and enjoy the journey. Rushing is what has always got me in trouble. This is too special to rush. But I don't want to go too slow either.

Already I feel better. Agnus Dei is playing. Maybe it all works together that we are putting my sadness to rest. Sweet requiem