Sad Instant Revelation

I am immersed in one of the worst documented cases of apathy in my life. Right square in my face is the looming deadline for many of my law school applications, yet here I am, with a sick day from work, still checking e-mail and writing this very blog.

So I text my mom invoking her to pray on my behalf. And I am currently in an instant message conversation with Luna where I asked the same thing. Then I realized: Why don't I pray myself?

When did that disconnect happen? I mean its all well and good to have people pray for you. My understanding that a large part of attending church is the fellowship that it should engender and the common sharing of prayer to help out your brethren. But still the onus is upon the indivvidual in God's plan. So when did I forget to pray. It's sad because even as I write this I realize how far I've strayed from my path. I have never been the most spiritual person, but it is a constant part of my life. Often I find myself telling people to wait on the Lord and how hard it is to have faith. Have I totally given up on it? I don't think so cause I keep telling people to have it. When did I stop actively practicing it though?

Like I need one more thing to depress me right now. The best answer I guess is to just shake off what might not have been happening and just do what has been missing.

And Another Thing

I'm pretty darn smart too. Thanks parental units.

My Parents Did Well

...cause I am one good looking kid.

The Paranoia Will Destroy Ya

Luna asked me a question getting to know each other, mostly by phone. "What would you do if you won the lottery?"

My answer, as always, would be to tell my parents. Then sit on the cash.

"Would you tell anyone else?"
"Eventually."
"So you wouldn't even tell me?"
"I said eventually."

This is the moment where I realized I wasn't too normal. Not that I thought I was beforehand. But I guess I didn't think what I said was too crazy. But I guess it is. Most people I guess would definitely tell more people. It's not that deep for me.

I would like to avoid the pitfalls that seem to happen to multiple lottery winners. Plus I don't want a lot of people jocking me for my cash. And this is all hypothetical.

Which is when it hit me that I was totally insane and paranoid.

But what are you gonna do?

The Power of Music

- So we converted one boy to underground hip-hop and already is perspective on life has changed. He already recognizes that there is something missing in today's musical landscape that is not absent in the Jurassic 5 (clean version) we loaded on to his PSP

- Another boy loves Brazilian music and hums cheerily along with it without realizing that the world continues to turn.

- My favorite boy spent 4 hours today with my iPod, happy as a clam. Why? The Beatles playlist. Compilation CD forthcoming.

- Finally, another boy who suffers from mental retardation randomly spit out a Nas lyric today as he was trying to get himself back together. Seems he likes the Mariah Carey/Joe - Thank God I Found You (Make It Last Remix) I put on the burned CD's I made for the kids.

Hey Mr. Postman

I was out taking trash out of the house today when I saw someone walking down the street towards the house. Now I got worried cause Fitchburg is not exactly a pedestrian metropolis so random people walking without a carriage or a pet cause some concern. But then once I got the sun out of my eyes I realized it was just the mailman.

Now this is an exciting moment for me. The mailman is an artificial construct that I picked p from TV. In New York they are so impersonal, they might as well be machines. Like in our apartment building all the person does is come and park there for a while while he/she loads up each box. They're friendly with the doorman but since they don't match faces with mail since they stuff them in boxes there's really no connection.

So I said hi and made small talk and he was off. Pretty inconsequential but oddly exciting.

Ending transmission.

Subterranean

Any time one takes the New York City subway system, one must prepare for an adventure, even if it is for one stop. More often than not, something sensational does not happen, but there's always the chance. Sometimes there are many small instances that help contribute to one's picture of the human condition and I guess that's what happened on my trip up to the van this evening.

First off, you have the Candy Slinga. Now the Candy Slinga has evolved over time. Initially, some urban youth would walk on the train with a box of candy and start with some petition about raising money for his basketball team. Depending on the pitch, people would then buy Starbursts and M & M's. Nowadays, the boys just straight up say there is no basketball team but they are just trying to earn some honest money and stay off the street which pulls on some other heartstrings I guess. Their ingenuity and stick-to-it-tiveness is admirable. CMU candidates all the way.

Now another fun element of subway riding is the movement of litter on the train. Sometimes its the way some spilled beverage manages to spread itself across the train with all the twists and jagged stops the train makes. Today, it was the movement of some green candy. It would move between one pole to another and kept everyone's rapt attention in the car I was in. I swear when someone stepped on it (who didn't even realize it) I think each of our hearts sank a little. It was a lot like what that kid must have felt when he was watching that bag in American Beauty. Okay it wasn't that deep but I mean like five people were intently watching this little ball go to and fro. Amazing. And after it met its end it just stood perfectly upright and still with its little dent but now immobile. Sadly beautiful.

Finally children are quite an expereince on the train. Sometimes its a window into parenting styles, many heartwarming, many scary. Tonight was the former kind. I'd say a 15 month old bundled up so tightly was having a ball as Ma Dukes was bouncing him wildly on her knees. From 110th to 145th he couldn't get enough. His pure laughter pierced another 7 hearts on the train. I actually missed them when they left.

All this adventure for $2.00. Still a bargain.

When Dad Cries...

...the world stops.

What's Big And Red & Filled With Treasure

My church silly

Once again it was time to go back to the old stomping grounds because a) I love Jesus and b) it's always a great ego boost to see people who haven't seen you in a while and actually seem interested in your life.

I was treated with the sights of precocious toddlers and extraordinarily tactile babies playing with their respective guardians. I even received a lovely message on stewardship that the guest pastor pulled out of his hat because the audiovisual squad was having difficulties with his original Powerpoint presentation.

But the main point of church is the fellowship with the believers, or at least that's what I think Paul wanted us to do. Theoretically, Jesus should be personal so church just strengthens what you should already have, not exactly give it to you. And so I received it in spades. Definitely from my usual source of the clique of people we hang out with at church, a bunch of married couples and families that I grew up in. But I also got some extra love from the older brethren.

The first, Sister Jones, I saw on accident but it was a blessing nonetheless. As I sat and listened to her, she gave me a story about her son who had left the church for some time, but has since returned. It was more a cautionary tale but I appreciated it nonetheless. It's indicative of what Paul I think envisioned. Ideally, your church folk should help prop you up and encourage you on the straight and narrow and that's exactly what she did.

The next was someone affectionately known through the church as "Amen" Nelson, because for some time, she was the only one with the emphatic "Amen"s. Now older, upon seeing me she didn't even recognize me, but I guess my face has changed some and the facial hair can throw off someone who wasn't exactly looking at me all the time. So when she realized who I was she did nothing but hug me and continuously say "Such a pretty boy." More encouraging words followed and also when a cute young lady introduced herself to me in the midst of our conversation, she turned to me and said "Don't worry about them. The Lord will see you through."

Priceless.

So is church.

Things I Learned Watching Blood Diamond

Yeah good flick. Check out Smart Playlist for the real review.

1) Yeah the Peace Corps has just entered the landscape as a possible destination for Me, Myself & I.

2) I want to be as strong as Djimon Hounsou (or the character he portrays in the movie). Mentally & physically (though the physical was what initially made me write that.)

That's all citizens.

Why My Y Chromosome Is Valuable

So as I traversed the city with the Bahene (Lady Godiva & Coffee Bean) I realized that my status as a male is something to be treasured. Not to say that if the Lord made me a woman I would be mad, but there are certain advantages. Number one is the fact that I don't have to wear high heels all over the place. No one forces women too but if there's any way you plan on being fashionable there's no way a young lady does not have some heels. And as Godiva walked around as though she needed carrying (And Bean wasn't doing too hot either), I was really glad I was wearing flats and stood 6'3".

Y? Because we love you.

What It Is

Once again my trip to the barbershop has spurred my musings into hyperdrive. Some selections:

- How is it that a bustling business and academic district is springing up directly adjacent to the projects. Honestly as I was walking back, the picture is of dilapidated, condemned buildings directly next to and under sprawling condominium complexes. How could such disparity coexist?

- Today's barbershop conversation was rather lively. Three men, I think in theoir eos, spoke about hip-hop politics, academic accountability, if Hitler was alive or not, and evidence of aliens in the Bible. Quite articulate and quite obvious that they were well read. Begs the question then, what the hell are you doing in a barbershop at 2:00 on a weekday afternoon? I shall not question their hustle further. I mean I was there right. What makes me any better?

- Barbershops remind me that I am black and I like being black.

- Kinship is an underrated facet of human life

- The way the barber cuts my hair is the way I would like to live my life. He was focused. He was part of the scene but he wasn't. A certain sprezzatura I can't explain.

- This trend of the leggings and heels in the city. I'm close to a heart attack. Winter is supposed to give men time to recharge for the spring/summer season. When you wear skin tight leggings and stiletto heeled boots you are not helping the situation. (Oh and by the way, there are a couple of you young ladies who are either too wispy or a little too healthy to effectively pull off the look. Please stop.)

Till the next posting children

What Drives Us

So Sunday night we had special dinner for the Pats game and along with special dinner was soda. So after the festivities were complete and victory was securede of our older, more manipulative boys came asking me for more Sprite. No I said, every boy has a one cup limit. But he persisited, so I offered him a deal where if he had no incidents period the next day I would bring him a Dr. Pepper.

Needless to say he badgered the morning supervisor to see if he was doing a good job so that he could get the deal done in his favor. This kid even went to sleep early in the hopes of keeping him out of situations that were too tempting to go off track on. And even though he eventually did violate our deal, we came to a compromise because of his honesty but just because of his sheer ingenuity.

But I started to think how much he wanted something that he would forego more obvious pleasure for it. Than I wandered off to thinking about what drives us to do anything. Happiness? Survival? I have no answer. That's cool though.

(P.S. Mos Def is quite stellar)

Some Observations

1) I am one competitive individual. I worked today as my end of a switch so I had all of Sunday off. I was assigned to sit with the boy who has one on one attention which also means he can't do anything. So just to make sure he doesn't wake me from my half-conscious state, I begrudgingly accept a challenge of pickup sticks. Soon after a few miscues, my competitive juices start to flow. I am all too focused on making those sticks get out of their without disturbing any of their brethren. It was phenomenal. He was so distraught over his obliteration that he mostly played cars by himself from that point on. Mission accomplished.

2) I am one smooth cat. As I was getting out of the passenger seat of the van of my friend's father, I noted at how jerkily he got out of his seat belt and how easily my exit was in comparison. Truly a work of artt. It was like my movements had their own beat. And yes I did just type that.

3) As I was watching some airline commercial during the Colts game, I remembered a trip I took and a short friendship made with a fellow passenger. He was a white early middle aged man who chatted me up very easily. Never overbearing but friendly. And he never was condescending or anything. I felt like a total equal even though our ages and clothing style were on disparate ends of the spectrum. Belatedly, I present him the Cool White Guy Award.

Love Language

This is boredom

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		11
Quality Time:		8
Words of Affirmation:		7
Acts of Service:		3
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

7 Steps To Heaven

Seeing that I have been away so long I thought that I would just give you a couple things that have been happening in life.

1) I am currently broke. In the new year must fill out timesheets on a more regular basis.

2) Today is Bonsi's birthday and he is an uncle again. Hooray

3) I went to Luna's last weekend. As predicted, the family likes me and I like the family. The new puppy even slept in my bed one night. We really didn't do much over the weekend but I felt like I did everything. And not enough of it.

4) Yesterday, I ran a sick shift. I even got on-floor kudos from our program director.

5) I was suckered into karaoke last night but I also gained a new friend in Terror Squad, someone else I work with. Possible workout buddy in the new year. But he's an even cooler dude than I real.

6) Music is fantastic. Almost as fantastic as days off to listen to it.

7) I'm somewhat famished. Blog terminated.