So I was sitting in a car in an awkward situation for the umpteenth time in the past couple of weeks and I realized what’s so pathetic about my life. I am without joy. Sadly, Posh pointed this out a while ago and I just brushed it off as nonsense cause I just could not believe it. But her insight was uncanny.
Clarification is in order. I’m not exactly rushing to find a way to get my face off the planet. I exist and function and handle my duties without issue. But when it comes down to it, I am just striving to be content instead of striving to be happy, or even my happiest. I am constantly concerned about the enjoyment of others but have neglected to focus on my own happiness.
It’s true that I get a certain amount of pleasure from seeing other people happy but what about when my efforts aren’t as successful as I would have hoped? Or it is just impossible to not hurt feelings? I feel like I’ve avoided doing things that might have been in my best interest to make sure someone else was not hurt. And look where it’s gotten me. Slowly learning to hate myself more and more.
People keep telling me I’m a great person but I always have trouble believing them. I am in a constant pathway of proving myself worthy in the sights of those around me. Sometimes it’s friends. Sometimes perfect strangers. Even my boys at White Hall. How do I go about proving I’m worthy to myself? How do I find the balance where I help others as much as possible while making sure I’m taken care of? My efforts at sacrificing what I considered minor gains in happiness have accumulated to the point where I have a lack of it. That’s not the point of life. For too long, contentment has been enough. But I want to be happy. Anyone with tips on how to get there please contact me at slowlylosingmymind@hotchie.com
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