I Found The Answer

A couple postings ago – okay it was February – I had trouble discerning what exactly makes me angry. Sadly I found the solution to the equation: Cheating.

Coffee Bean, who I dated for six months, cheated on me. It was a simple make-out session with an ex-boyfriend she assured me was just a friend, but the damage was done. In addition to the cruelty of the deed, she continued to act like everything was going swimmingly. That just made it worse.

Here I am, honestly putting my all into the relationship and she didn’t have the decency to respect it. Initially I was shocked, hurt to a degree I didn’t realize I could inhabit. But as time has passed and I have retold the whole sordid affair to some of my contemporaries, I realize that my words, whether spoken or typed, are laced with venom.

It is a miracle that I can even speak to her at times. Because everyone I’ve told has said how shitty of an experience it should be. And it is quite crappy. But I loved her, probably still love, and as with all things in my life, it’s hard to let go. I am a packrat of emotions and I guess I’m desperately clinging to the unabated joy I felt before the incident.

I guess the thing I’m most angry about is that she put me in a position to have these feelings about her. She ascended to rarefied air in my heart, a place few will ever reach. And now I feel as though she has to be sent back to congregate with the mere mortals. And in that simple truth lies the most upsetting thing.