Belonging

This past week was a breakthrough week for me at work. Not for what happened on the shifts, but rather the extensive conversations that I had with my colleagues immediately after. Even though we usually get out at 10 or so, we spend rather long amounts of time just talking, about what seems like everything. One bitch session lasted till midnight.

I also found out that people like working with me and that kids, who sometimes hit me or curse me out, actually enjoy spending time with me. I’m even called on as a preferred staff on a couple of occasions, though I know I am nowhere near the upper echelon some of my co-workers inhabit. But what I realized was so pleasurable about these revelations is that I felt like I was one of the group. My presence was at best desired and at worst appreciated.

And isn’t that what we are all looking for? A group or experience where we feel welcome and loved to some degree. I realize that is what some of my kids are missing and why they have the problems they have now. Most of their actions are just cries for love and inclusion. I might not injure those around me for that same feeling but I’m not that different from those kids, or from the human race for that matter.

I went to church last Sabbath and everyone just kind of came and said hi or whatever. But it was so refreshing. It might sound egotistical but it’s probably more of a testament to my self-esteem. It’s just nice to get that reassurance sometime. It’s probably why I am a serial monogamist. That desire to be a part of something where I get that love in return. It’s probably why a simple conversation with a friend can have me high for hours. That give and take where you feel connected to something is just intoxicating. I have to find a healthy way to feel that all the time or it could be detrimental.