How Do You Solve A Problem Like Restless Legs?

Due to my recent spike in television consumption, combined with my digestion and acute attention to advertisements, I've learned that I may suffer from Restless Legs Syndrome. According to the commercials, people that suffer from the affliction have symptoms like weird fidgeting in their legs and the incessant urge to move around. Thank God I saw these messages cause I was actually considering cutting back on the SoBe Energy Coolattas from Dunkin Donuts.

Now though, since I have identified the real problem, how exactly do I combat this RLS (as the cool kids refer to is)? Well I never would have known about it, if not for an ad for Mirapex, a medication aimed at calming the symptoms of the syndrome. But the lovely people at Boehringer Ingelheim, which make it, were nice enough to tell me that I might feel the urge to fall asleep during normal everyday activities like driving. And after I did more research, I found that it might initiate hallucinations and compulsive gambling. This all makes me somewhat wary. I just want to calm down my legs. Though the increased sex drive may be a bonus.

Just when I thought I was at my wit's end, I saw another commercial for Requip, aimed at trying to quell the same problem. Not only did this give me hope but it also offered comfort since if there were two medications for this diagnosis, it must mean there are enough people suffering just like me to motivate the pharmaceutical companies to make a profit. Sometimes you have to thank God for those lovely executives diligently working to help me live my best life possible. Like any other drug, Requip has side effects, but they only reported drowsiness, nausea, and vomiting. That is much better than spontaneous narcolepsy. Imagine if my kids took advantage of my sporadic comas. Plus the increasing reports of organ thieves frightens me and I do love to take the subway.

Now my plan was to go to Costco and get bulk supplies of toothpaste and mints so I could hide the possible effects from my future prescription. Sadly, after I did more research, I found that Requip had the same problems that Mirapex has. Compulsive gambling, dizziness when I stand up, hallucinations. It was all there. Now how can I terminate the constant motivation to actually do things and move around.

Maybe I'll just walk it off.