Sunshine Chronicles #7

To begin our last day in Orlando, I was awake rather early. Like 4:30 a.m. Why was I so restless? Who knows, but I couldn't simmer down. I browsed the internet. I ate fruit. I read bits of religious text. I took pictures of myself.



I finally got to bed, but I rose rather early and went running in my aunt's cul de sac wearing exactly the outfit from the picture. For some reason it slipped my mind I was in Florida in summer. Even though I was running before the sun was its most deadly, I was a drenched by the time I returned. I actually fetched ice chips and made myself a bootleg ice bath.


Once that was done, I sat for a mini breakfast with my aunt, uncle and mom. Soon we were talking of family and I naturally had questions about relations and lineage. Soon I had a pencil and paper and was sketching things out. Next thing you know I'm volunteered to compile all the neat information I gathered into a neat little printout for the whole family. Thanks Mom. I don't mind though.


I know most my age think of a true vacation as one that has some bits of debauchery as hallmarks of the break, but I enjoy this family time just as much. Our family is small and for some reason I really don't want lose any part of it. Whatever I can learn of its past is good, even if it is incomplete.

Sunshine Chronicles #6

Before I even stepped on a plane, the plan for today was to be a housewarming for Driven (the name I have chosen for my godbrother). But when I touched down on the soil, I learned that the plans were cancelled due to his leech, I mean, girlfriend's parents unexpectedly staying an extra week in the house. But when I learned that they were leaving Sunday morning, I petitioned to Driven about the event and he invited the family anyway.

To start with, it was nice to walk in the house and not need to be on guard with the parents around. Each time you interacted with them, there was the threat of being drawn into inane conversation for who knows whatever reason. I've spoke on it before but the need to speak all the time is grossly overrated. Anyway, the little minx wasn't too bad in the morning cause she did cook breakfast. But within the hour she was gone, and then the house was completely chill. It was like a huge bachelor pad

I'm sad that I lost touch with Driven over time though cause he is a kindred spirit. As we argued over Meet The Press, I realized he is one of the few who can understand a lot of the things I go through just because we were raised very similarly. Then we watched Sports Center, Idlewild, and golf. We chatted. We were peace. It was vacation. Even Driven seemed to lighten up immensely when she was gone.

Finally the whole party arrived, and the tour was on. Out of nowhere the little minx just reappeared and the balloon just deflated. Luckily the excitement of the house initially masked the discontent, but eventually it reared its ugly head. When she went along with Driven and his boy for more supplies at the Home Depot, I debriefed Meters (my godsister's chosen name) and her mom on my conversation with him. The basic points are that they're just not right for each other. In biblical terms, this would be called "unequally yoked." And for them, it's on a myriad of levels. Culture, interests, intelligence, you name it. They're just not on the same page. About the only thing I see they have in common is having melanin, shared melanin, and a possible belief that some degree of misery might be a natural part of life.

Anyway, then me and Meters ran out to get the Ruby Tuesday order we had placed and then we all ate. The minx was there and honestly you felt a temperature change with each room she progressed too. I was tired of her presence because over the weekend it was so much easier to see how different Driven was with her and then without her. We even tried to convince him to return to Orlando with us that night, but we know the only reason he didn't come was because he was scared of the fall out from her. They're not even technically dating. And it's his life!!!! Oh let me stop before I get more passionate.

I packed up my stuff and headed back with Meters and my godparents, where I updated my godfather on what I had told Meters and her mom earlier in the day. Sadly I learned more information that made me like the minx less. But me and Meters had fun with it along the way.

And now I type from my aunt's mini office on an iMac that is ancient. But I am surrounded by portraits of my family and it is enough to almost move one to tears. In the message he delivered yesterday, the president of the university alluded to recognizing the people and experiences that made us who we are. Most of the events this weekend have helped me realize how often I draw on the experiences related to my family in my modus operandi even now. During the ride with Meters, we also touched on my cousins, one of which she had some sort of attempt at an intimate relationship. And it was funny to see how they diverged from the path we seemed to be raised in. The selflessness and consideration i'd like to think of as some of my most central traits were nurtured by my family. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for the excursions to Maryland or the Sabbath dinners at my aunt's house. My mother is who I derive the most influence from and she was raised in the same way. How can I not credit them for who I am? If anything, right now I am more remiss that I let myself forget and that I have somehow come short on what I should have delivered back to them. But it's better late than never.

I'm sleepy though. Good night.

Fertilizer

Warning: The following post may be a little too candid. If you continue and are eventually perturbed by the information you garnered, I apologize. You might also want to relax too.


Last week, as my boys were packing at work to move to their new house, I was sitting listening to beats one of the them was making on his PS2. Another boy, who is quickly becoming my favorite, came out of the bathroom. He seemed kind of dazed for a second like he didn't know where he was. Just as I was about to ask him if he was okay, he piped up in a chipper voice, "I just took two poopies in there." He then turned on his heels and returned to his activity. I just started to chuckly and I finally asked if he did feel okay and he responded that he felt great. He even was walking noticeably lighter on his toes.

Its funny that some of our boys actually have laxatives as part of their medication plan. Partially it is because some of the meds they are on do clog up the system as a side effect. But for some it actually is a conributor to the mood stabilization. That clogged up system can bog us down as a whole. I wonder how often a kid has had an issue partially because their mood was affected by their inability to defecate. I can understand why. Posh loves her sit down tete-a-tetes with the Porcelain Goddess. And I too relish the good morning cleansings.

Maybe the world needs to take more dumps

What The Hell Am I Doing?

When I am bold enough, I will write the blog I really want to all about how this summer has been kind of like a poor man's version of the Zach Braff coming of age movie. Part of that whole kick is actually trying to determine some sort of direction in my life. Of course, as I always have, I turn to tests to help me solve the issue. And the wonderful people at Similar Minds gave me this.

Career Inventory Test Results Extroversion 46% Emotional Stability 83% Orderliness 53% Altruism 90% Inquisitiveness 70% You are a Guide, possible professions include - career counselor, psychologist, educational consultant, special education teacher, librarian, artist, playwright, novelist/poet, editor/art director, information-graphics, designer, HRM manager, merchandise planner, environmental lawyer, marketer, job analyst, mental health counselor, dietitian/nutritionist, research, educational consultant, architects, interpreter/translator.

The scary part is that I kind of knew this already but confirmation from some arbitrary distant test that knows nothing about me is somehow comforting. Did I mention I am on vacation in Florida and this is how I chose to spend my time? So the title of the blog has added meaning? I've been avoiding true introspection for so long I might as well embrace any sort of motivated action I might take. Now what do I do with this information. I think I'll sign up for the GRE and flesh out some creative ideas like a TV pilot about a quirky coffeehouse and the novel Socrates has said I should write for some time.

By the way, I am also splitting time obsessing over the anonymous comment someone left on my smoking blog. It's just mean that someone would leave a possibly flirtatious signature (Come on: Eve for Adam) and not even leave a hint as to the identity. Oh its torture. The suppressed narcissist in me wants to explode at the frustration. An ego stroke that doesn't really exist.

Sunshine Chronicles #5

Some quick shots:

• I'm halfway decent at this psych thing. My godbrother asked me what I thought of his relationship after about 24 hours of viewing the whole thing and I told him to cut the girl loose. And with each one of my reasons, like the fact that he secretly might never want to get married and the fact that she's not on his level, he nodded his head in agreement. Furthermore, his boy who was with us concurred with my assessment.
• I love Home Depot. As I was in the store, it continued the growing urge to do something. I was discussing with Mira later how cool it would be to like gut a house or rebuild it. Though I've never worked heavy duty with tools, I think it would be another extension of creativity. And another way to reclaim some sort of spirit of masculinity. I think I've been reading too much GQ
• My godbrother suggested going to the Super Bowl but after research we realized that was stupid. But 2009 is in Tampa and since he lives there, that sounds more realisitic. But I did find out there is a Giants/Patriots game in New Jersey on my birthday and Stevie Wonder is going to be in Boston on a non-work day. Intriguing.

Sunshine Chronicles #4

At 7:45 this morning, I turned off the alarm and got myself some apple juice. I had a really engaging conversation with my Mira (formerly Secret Stripper) last night, but it began right when I would have tried to go to sleep. Instead it lasted an hour and kept me up till 1 something or other. So the early morning call, especially since yesterday I had also had limited sleep was potentially painful. It didn't help that we were headed back to Orlando and my godbrother (he needs a nickname but we can let that marinate) is 90 minutes away. Plus, it was us, his girlfriend, and his parents about to pile into a Kia for the hike.

I somehow was ready in 20 minutes but I kind of foresaw the issue ahead of time and had everything already prepared. The drive was initially grating due to the inane conversation about flood lines and lawn mowers. But when we started to talk about urban infrastructure and the two sidedness of the Adventist organization, I found my groove and seemed to salvage any poor impression I might have left on the parents.


The big reason we were there was that it was Northern Caribbean University day. Its the Adventist institution in Jamaica and the alumni chapters organize days at their local churches and everything is centered around the institution. In New York, it used to be more of a big deal, but has dwindled over time. but this time, we're in Central Florida, where its still pretty big. And I had more motivation to make the best of it cause I had promised Mira I would shoot some videos to explain my very peculiar religion. The more and more I try to explain it, the more and more I realize that it is a culture even more peculiar than I originally realized.

Another added bonus about the event was the fact that my goal in life is to maintain the cool of being an old West Indian man and they were there in spades. Now to clarify, I think that the British influence in Jamaica is something that I love a lot. I like the style. I like the football. Now when that is coupled with our African descent, I think they epitomize ease and cool. There is still a drive in them and a sense of what should be right in the world, but also an appreciation of the simple things in life. Its why someone shouted out during the service that hopefully dominoes would be part of the post-sunset activities. The actual president of the university was the perfect example. He deliveered a message that began with the most articulate greetings but slowly became more and more colloquial and passionate as time wore on. He wove humor throughout, spoke tangentially, and honestly was never completely cohesive. But you still got the point of what he was saying, mainly how important the school was to so many people's lives and just how the opportunities we are afforded are so valuable. Man I want to be an old West Indian dude so bad.

Anyway, feeding the masses was next up on the agenda and I volunteered to help set it up. It was frantic but it was fun. And after it was all done, I sat down for an articulate discussion with my mom and godsisters about my godbrother's contentious relationship. Between Mira and Doodlebug, even a late night conversation with Hixican Jew last night, it has been so nice to have articulate conversation. I didn't realize I was devoid for so long.

Then the girlfriend began itching to leave so me left 90 minutes before we had originally agreed to. And we made an unexpected stop at one of their friends' houses where I got to play soccer with their 4 year old. He had boundless energy and by the end I was sweating too. The kid is a natural athlete though. His sliding tackle was immaculate. And he had the perfect pose for the camera after it was all done.

I dodged the inane conversation on the long ride home by taking a nap. And when we closed the Sabbath, I actually prayed a sincere, considerate prayer. I was surprised since I haven't really been in practice.

Anyway off to Home Depot and maybe some food.


Prayed a decent prayer

Sunshine Chronicles #3

My godbrother, who served as my childhood best friend and who I rediscovered today is still an excellent friend, picked me up at my aunt's house around noon. After I sent off the rent check I forgot to leave in my haste, we ambled around the city car shopping and intermittently discussing relationships, sports, politics, and all the other randomness that men our age do.



First he stopped at a spot he likes to frequent. There the love affair that was budding with a sexy black Dodge Viper was prematurely terminated by a slightly racist owner who wouldn't let him take it for a test drive, though he's bought from the dealership before. Tempered by that we skipped over the BMW dealership as well. Two young black men rolling up in a rented Kia doesn't exactly garner enthusiasm amongst the sales staff. But we did go to his definite intended destination which was the Infiniti dealership.



As torrential rains began to pour we luckily ran into a salesman who originally hailed from Long Island so we were immediately put at ease. The car he wanted to see was out in the rain so we headed into the last year's model which was in the showroom. And just like the car shows we used to frequent as children, we ooohed and aaahed at the sleek lines and incredible craftmanship of the machine. Then the Mother Nature decided to pull back the rains just enough for the salesman to grab the keys to the coveted car in the rain and put it back in its covered arena so we could sample it for real and give our imaginations a break.



One day, I will tell my children that this was the car that actually made me get serious about getting over my New Yorker/Peter Pan complex and get a damn license. I might get a fish and name it Infiniti G37 just to say I have one. The sleek lines and amazing attention to the design aspect of it drew me in. The performance specs, both on paper and what I felt in a test drive of last year's model, made me melt. But the clincher was how when I plugged in my iPod, the Infiniti symbol came up on my iPod's screen and we could control it through the dash and the steering wheel. And there it was. Cars are toys. I love to play. I want to play. And go fast at the same time. I'm sure my dad won't get it, but he'll just be glad I've got the license eventually.


We came back to his new mini McMansion which he's lived in less than a month. And when I saw the space, I immediately wanted to own a home. Before it has been a passing fancy. I was always ambivalent about it growing up in the city. Every once in a while there is a passing fancy whenever I see Banana and her sister making improvements on the Milk Street Mansion but I never really had to own. Seeing the space and the huge television and just the autonomy of it all. Making a space completely mine is very intriguing. I was motivated again. So it's a good thing I want to find some direction because these desires will require capital I do not have.

Sunshine Chronicles #2

The world keeps turning and change is inevitable, but the few bits of stability we have are often taken for granted. Last night when I was looking for more ibuprofen for my troubling sinus aches, it was easy to find cause I knew exactly where to look. Why was that? Because my aunt is a Harriott woman and so was my grandmother. Along with my other aunt, they passed along the certain traits of organization to their children, including my mother. So in no time I had found the meds along with the bowl of fresh fruit that you can find in each of their houses. And this was the first time I had ever stepped into her house.

This morning I knew that there would be cereal somewhere and knew that there would be tpast and margarine to accompany them. Of course some special treat was somewhere around the corner, and my mother delivered it in the form of ackee, a Jamaican specialty. And though I have been away from these treasures for so long, and don't really even crave them as much as I once did, it is so nice to know that I can still count on them.

Sunshine Chronicles #1

Today I embarked on the longest journey I've undertaken in a while and I eventually ended up in Florida. Mom had purchased the ticket in the myriad of all this other activity and I had kind of lost track that it was going to happen until this week. But here I am. Heaven must have smiled on me cause all the travel today has been pretty comfortable. The ride from Mass was free of annoyances and claustrophobia. The train came as soon as I hit the platform. The shuffle on iPod was great. I even got a bagel and lox, repacked my stuff, and made it to the airport on time. And even though I was in a row with an ebullient toddler and his young Chardonnay drinking mom, Jet Blue has DirecTV which delivered me Snorks and Sports Center in between my naps. My bag was even first off the plane.

My godsister (who will get a nickname since she is that cool) picked me up from the airport and even the conversation was amazingly enlightening. In my recent state of self-awareness, she shared some of the same sentiments, so randomly too, that made me feel that maybe I wasn't so abnormal, even though I was starting to accept it. And of course the main point of this trip is to reconnect with the many family and friends that have grown distant over time. Along with seeing my mom's aunt and uncle for the first time in forever, I also got to meet the children of my other godsister. They helped me continue with my playful mood, but its easy when the oldest is only 4 and the twin girls will only be 3 a day before I get more entrenched in an age demographic I am starting to like (25 - 34). But they ran around and made up games on the fly and were darlings. When your biggest concern is avoiding spicy tomatoes and convincing at least one of your little sisters not to watch the Mickey Mouse DVD on the ride home, you are living the life.

On the way home, I was kind of ornery cause some sinus pain aggravated by the flight became a true nuisance. I actually pleaded for pain medication when I usually shy away from it. But now that I have re-upped on it I am restless with energy. I keep wanting to write about all the little revelations I've been having that are adding up into something that might be a direction in my life. Well it's not exactly a direction, but it is the search for one, and that is a huge step for me. I want more time to really give it its due. In this manic state, I'll leave things out.

I'm actually going to be proactive and iron most of my clothes and repack my bag since I initially was so haphazard with it all. Yeah it is boring but for some reason right now it's making me very content.

Puppy Dog Tails

Today I had to give the direction to my boys to only throw water on each other. That was the direction. They had to throw water on each other.

At dinner, after I told one client about another's $600 spending spree, the 12 year old MR client that spent the money screamed "I'm rich," and proceeded to laugh till I gave hime the expectation to take some deep breaths.

Just now one of my 10 year old boys, a closet charmer, said that a girl kissed him once. When I asked him what he said, he smiled and said "Nothing."

This is my life. And my boy Mocha just playfully yelled at me for blogging from work. He's right. But I would have forgotten later.

Heat

This picture was taken in Monterey, California in January 2006. It was the weekend of my friend's wedding, an event that finally told me that I needed to be an adult soon. It wasn't just the wedding itself. I had gone to weddings before without a familial tie. The sheer independence of the trip itself might have been what made it so real. Here I was all the way in California for one of my real friends' marriages. A former suitemate had gotten married and that was more of a novelty to me. But Principessa Bella had a relationship that paralleled my own with Drizzle. Hers went the distance and they even have a eight-month old son.

Subject to entertain myself with my own devices, I have loads of pictures of myself since I had just received the digital camera. Being completely alone gave me license to be just as silly and vain as I wanted. I played with effects. I tried different poses. And then I had the idea to capture myself smoking.

Smoking was always a peculiar thing for me. I came upon it in an unconventional manner. As a matter of fact, I had engaged in the greenery long before I ever touched a cigarette. And I actually didn't initiate my nicotine indulgence with a conventional cigarette but rather a Black & Mild like the one I'm holding above. I coughed and sputtered but within a week or so, I had finished the pack of five. From then I would take breaks and then go through a pack. Initially it was closer to a month, then the breaks were just two weeks. I think I was nightly about a year after I had taken the first drag. But I loved it.

I might have been in love with the rebellious nature of it all. I really could put it away and not ever think about doing it. Whenever I went home, I never dared do it in front of my parents, so I lasted days without even the thought. Or maybe it was just so routine. And I knew the danger of it all. Sometimes I had the thought that people actually get treated for smoke inhalation and I was the kook who was doing it willfully. That buzz is the draw though, the physical and more so the mental.

To be honest, it just was sexy as all hell. With each spark of the cancer stick, a tiny bit of euphoria dispersed throughout my body. This is not the best picture but I definitely can guess what I was feeling at that moment. Secure as all hell, and able to control everything I put my mind to. I think I finally am learning how to transpose that feeling to my actual life.
----------------
Now playing: Common - Ghetto Heaven (TSOI Remix)

Just Hit Me

Moments ago, Posh called me informing me that she has recently been looking at her phone and catching 12:34 more and more often. She then proceeded to tell me that she was slightly tipsy and she was about to use the restroom. She promised to call me back, then promptly hung up. The call was less than a minute.

And just as quickly, she managed to send a text about friends not letting friends dial or text drunk.The item that just hit me is not the truth of this statement. Rather, the actual physical environment where this is all transpiring is the source of my sudden awareness. Why is there liquor at a baby shower?

Is it me or is it just a little suspect that there is actually booze at an event welcoming a new child into the world? The mom can't drink. Why should the baby be hearing clinking glasses? I mean maybe a afterparty for all the lasses relieved they are not yet experiencing the predicament as the celebrated. But at the actual shindig? It just doesn't sit right with me for some reason. Even if I allow for the light beer, wine, or even champagne, shouldn't the sisterhood keep one another from getting out of hand. Tis not the village I want raising my child.

Actually I think that's my old Adventist West Indian man gene speaking. Forget I said anything.

----------------
Now playing: Darien Brockington - Sacrifice (ft. Yahzarah)

Brand New Jones

Last night, I was talking to my new work buddy Secret Stripper (This name will probably be temporary until I know her better). Anyway, we got onto talking about how great it is to wear special clothes, but how few the opportunities are to appropriately don them. She is getting to wear something for her birthday celebration this weekend but there were at least two other items she wanted a chance to wear, including a black cocktail dress.

I say this because my aunt's text messsage has disrupted my sefl-centered plans. She invited me to church and something about a family invitation to church is something I could not deny. Not only do I feel like it would be bad spiritual karma, but also the questions from the fam would escalate to serious levels of suspicion. Best to avoid the headache. I immediately had a crisis cause all my dress clothes are in New York. Then I remembered I did have some khakis and a pair of brown dress shoes I never wear.

Then fashion man went into overdrive. First I was trying to figure out the perfect shirt since I don't like wearing ties without blazers. I had settled on a striped one to offer some summer color. Then I remembered I had a seersucker blazer I had been dying to wear since last year. And now I am going crazy cause I think I found the perfect tie to go with it all.

What is it about the "outfit" that makes every one feel so great? Is it just that the clothes are new or special? Or is it the fact that we know we have spent the time to look our best and feel that way? It's definitely a spirit lifter. Now to see if the outfit actually makes sense.

It's A Beautiful Day

....in the neighborhood. Or at least it was.

I nitially planned on writing this after I came back from my run. But the run bruised my body more than I expected. I was still proud of my shape, round as it might be. But once I walked through the door, my body seemed to respond with relief and released whatever fury it had held back. I felt like I lost five pounds in the shower, just by eliminating the grime that accumulated after running it unexpectedly humid weather. The Gatorade was finished in a matter of seconds.

Today was probably the best day that I have gone running. The sun wasn't too hot. Nothing was off base. At times I felt as if I was starring in my own Nike commercial, proud of my form. Oh but my fellow pedestrians were kind of annoying. This isn't even a big town so I thought people would be more friendly like they are in the town where I went to school. Even though they're racist, they still gave me a smile and a nod. These guys got out the way like I had the plague. Maybe the black guy running so hard, and seemingly with purpose set something off for them. You would think it was a real city.

But as I walked home after purchasing my replenishing liquids, I heard a child over my iPod. As I looked to my left there was a little girl who had spotted me far down the block and was saying hi. I initially was tempted to walk past. No need alarming mom about the random guy walking. But she kept saying it and looking at me. So I waved back and said hi. And she kept saying it. I waved again. And she said it again. This time I smiled and said bye and continued walking. A child shall lead them huh?

And kindness usually comes from the most unexpected places. Though the neighbors across the street are kind of eccentric, they've always been nice. Though aloof at times - like when he has full on conversatios with his bird - he has been considerate and generous. He alerted us to suspicious picture takers, signed for a package when we were all away, and even helped them move in a couch. But I guess lately he's been getting weird and his next door neighbor dropped off some material with Uno after she went snooping. Seems our buddy has some things on his record, most traffic violations and a little theft. His most regular friend is also a sex offender. But both of their crimes were either when they were adolescents or really young adults. If they really wanted to take stuff they could have done it already. And they've been nothing but nice.

So if you're looking for evidence that the human condition isn't completely helpless, I guess we need to look to children and ex-convicts more often

Things I Want

This is a list of things material that I desire. Too often, I make lists in my head, but they get lost in the shuffle. Maybe if I actually put them down, it makes it more concrete. It also gives me more motivation to be disciplined with my spending.

No particular order:

• Trip to Europe
• Computer stuff: Macbook Pro, New Desktop PC, New Hard Drive
• Canon Powershot SD850IS
• Soccer gear: Barca Away Jersey 2006-2007, Funners Retro, Ajax, Spurs
• Two pairs of custom running shoes (Puma & Nike) and the Nike+ kit
• A nice whip
• XBox 360 w/ Madden 08, FIFA 08, NASCAR, Forza

Reputation

This weekend, one of the narcs was missing for one of our kids. I sadly counted that they were correct, when in fact they weren't. It was a simple mistake but I felt horrible. I know I didn't take it but it is a serious thing to have an untrackable narcotic just floating around.

Anyway, the director of health care for our campus came and talked to me about it. But she immediately said "I know you didn't take it." She continued to tell me to be more careful and such but it lasted no more than a minute.

And that's when a random memory from a Sabbath School session on Lady Godiva's birthday voyage popped back in my head. The stubborn West Indian men were a tad annoying but I finally get the gist of what they were trying to say. It all basically came down to the fact that Jesus never really had to defend Himself in front of His accusers. He just let His actions speak for themselves. And I know she had that faith in me just in the way I have carried myself.

I hate when I realize I was wrong. But at least I'll be right next time

Sanctuary

The shower must be the most heavenly place on earth. I am naturally a water person, though my zodiac sign would have you believe I was resigned to terra firma. But I usually would stay in the pool for hours on vacations. And my parents were fond of calling me California Raisin after my appearance out of my extended bathtimes. So bath time is just lovely. The more time in the water the better. I feel taller. I feel more relaxed.

It's especially rewarding since I finally decided to make a productive day out of my early wake-up. I burned CDs for co-workers and client. I did some laundry stuff. I brought back in our trash bins. I'm writing this blog. I enjoyed music, but I always do that. I washed dishes. So now I am all relaxed with oodles of time before work and truly have nothing really to do instead of not doing anything. I even ironed my shirt already.

The sun is shining nicely and those earlier chirping birds have changed from annoying to charming. That shower was powerful.

Gun License

Necessary to waste the squawking birds who are waking me up. Things weill perish by my hand if I cannot get back to sleep. That is all.

This Morning

Our top story this morning is the appearance of a stray black dog on the porch this morning. As I was reading my book, I heard my roommate leave for her appoinment with the doctor. After her initial footsteps were gone, I heard some lesser footsteps. I assumed that it was just the particular way the wind was whistling through the trees and returned to my reading. But the glint of something moving caught my eye above the book, and there was a new stranger. He walked the length of the porch and came towards me. He stared me dead on, moved slightly towards me, then turned and went. He then went round the corner and was gone. I was so baffled by the chain of events, I stayed glued to my seat. I tried to resume reading, but needed to rise to make sure what I had viewed was not an illusion. I rose and rushed to see if I could catch at least a glimpse of the dog. Imagine my surprise when I saw nothing!

But he emerged from behind a neighbor's bush and normal breathing returned to my system. As homeostasis returned, my paranoia still did not relent. I thought somehow I viewed it as a sign. Should I get a dog like that? Does a black dog predict something more omnous? Sleep deprivation makes one silly. Maybe divine providence was guiding me along the path in some way.

So as I was talking to Doodlebug, my newest friend six hours away in a country where the young are so mighty they beat Brazil in football matches, I was searching for any symbolism regarding black dogs. Churchill once referred to his own depression as his "black dog." It also was a hit for Led Zeppelin in the early 70s. The Wikipedia article alleges that either the sexually suggestive anthem was titled for a loitering black dog in the studio or might be more of a secretive invocation to a divine being due to its similarities with a novel's name for a club of occult.

Yeah I'm starting to lose interest too, though I was feeling kind of spiritual at that moment. In my second trip to the porch once Doodlebug was kicked out, I viewed my neighbors playing catch in the street. They are in their mid 30s - early 40s yet in the middle of the day, they were in the middle of the street playing catch. While I admire the carefree attitude and playfulness at such an age, their regular dallaince with permanent transience is troubling. If I can somehow stack some paper so I can support my whims and fancies, that would be lovely. But I suppose I will hustle as hard as I have to so my wife and children can everything they need and lead the life I wish to have. If I can't live it for myself, at least I can live it through my family.

Okay I need to write my e-mail. I missed writing on this thing so I dropped something super quick.