Interesting How God Works

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28 (NLT)

Today I accompanied Banana to Boston to pick up her sister at the airport. We were surprised when her boyfriend-in-flux stepped off the plane with her. Banana sure wasn't expecting it which means I definitely was. As we went to get the car, we tried to wrap our heads around the secrecy and just his presence. And we discussed the merits of the relationship as well. On our ride back, we talked about Banana's oldest sister & my other housemate (still trying to decide on a nickname. I feel a breakthrough soon) and her relationship. Her boyfriend is over at the house often enough but not too much so they were discussing the prospects and such. Finally after we dropped her off, we discussed Banana & I discussed her middle sister and then it went to her in flux situation as well. With all the talk of relationships, I should have known something was up.


And so it ends where it begins. I just visited Luna's MySpace page and it was totally official. Her status has been happily set to "Single" and my place on her page has been knocked down a bit. I fielded the call about six hours ago. After we exchanged pleasantries, she blurted out that she couldn't do it any more. And my reaction was...

"Okay."

No tonal inflections. Nothing resembling emotion really. It caught her by surprise I believe. I think she was expecting an extended conversation about the relationship and what it entailed. Maybe she wanted to hear me present an argument for why she should wait me out. And I kind of did but honestly I probably made more of a case for her original assertion. At our particular stations in life, it just doesn't make sense. We had hit a bit of stagnation, where I was happy to circle the runway whereas she was ready to take off. Plus, she is trying to determine her course in life. What sense does it make trying to navigate your first serious relationship as well? More so, I need to find a way to work through my more mercurial sensibilities, something I wish she hadn't seen so soon.

So there I was. Quickest and most amicable separation you can think of. She even called back cause it was so seamless. She wasn't sure everything was cool. But it was. We agreed to be friends and such and keep progressing in that direction. And like I said to her, it could be "not now" as opposed to "not ever." All the initial feelings that I felt and the connection that we had/have was not fabricated. But I can't help but tell you I felt good. Not cause I wanted to be rid of her. Far from it. But I guess there was a burden on me that I didn't even realize. I'm very protective of the feelings of the people I care about, especially the ones I can directly influence. So as I prayed that I could switch it up in time to save us, I guess the prayer was answered differently. Glad she took the initiative to do something that I was not brave enough to admit it to myself.

So there's me. I guess it was trying at points. During the past month or so I have schucked off most of the advances of being social. Just one of those times I guess. The most I've done is hang around the house with Banana and her sister (man I really need to get that nickname) with the occasional trip to the movies. And sadly she got caught up in my self-imposed seclusion. That burden is gone and I just felt...good about it. Not exactly jubilation. That seeems crude. But just comfortable with the way things settled.

But I checked her blog and I was saddened that I wasn't in her shout list. I'm pretty sure she wanted me to be on there and I wanted to as well. At some point I was on track to be so. I hope I haven't strayed too far from the path to make it on that list eventually. Now I look to my wrist and see her wristband I can't help but feel some regret. Should I have dug in deeper and fought it out? Should I have been more proactive with my emotions?

Oh second guessing is not going to help anything. I think that the amazing connection was so powerful it propelled us a little faster than was necessary. We probably shouldn't have dated at all or at least not as early. Once again for clarification, I loved dating Luna. But I have a feeling that I just wasn't ready yet and that I should have let the friend thing progress more fully. I told myself that everything was different this time and this would be the exception to the rule. Probably should have let things marinate a bit more before I jumped in heart first. You live, you learn though.

Now I'm at the end of my third straight 6-month relationship (like literally 6 months and a day) and a sense of worry starts to set in. I look at my two older cousins and watch them as they drift deeper and deeper into bachelorhood in their 30's. Here they are smart and black and put together but they keep on going single. Now if it's choice or dearth of options is questionable but still it exists. And all my Dad's younger brothers and sisters still remain single though they remain the situation. So here I am at 25, an African-American male who also is relatively religious in a very obscure religion of Seventh Day Adventism who maintains above average intelligence, a seriously monitored eccentricity, and can be difficult and moody at times. Did I mention that my college days are behind me and that is when a signifcant amount of nuptial hookups occur. Can someone see why worry has set in? Easily the one thing I can say I've always wanted a family. And to think that it just might not happen is seriously disheartening. But I guess all I can do is....

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" - Romans 12:12 (NIV)