Happily Depressed

I woke up today without any sort of impetus to do the things I had planned. For one, I planned to go running in the morning, but I did everything but throw my alarm against the wall and stayed in bed. Then I was even tempted to skip the mandatory pre-licensing course I had finally decided to take. But what else was I going to do today? So I actually did that by calling on my new playing hurt philosophy.


And the course is done and I had a somewhat entertaining teacher to guide me through the tedium. But then I went for my usual jaunt through the city and the pavement did not exactly provide the lift that it usually does. I ambled in and out of stores at SoHo barely impressed and hardly looking. I wasn't even interested in people watching like usual.


I could easily blame the ugliness that the rain brought, but I think the discontent has been brewing for a while. I'm actually starting to tire of my job. I don't like where I am in life period. But I'm also starting to realize that I am just different. My fascination with sociology and the trends and categories slowly bled into my thinking. For some reason, I keep trying to find the archetype to which I fit and each time I come up empty, I get discouraged.

Forget all that though. I'm just me. I have to start operating like that. I have Ivy-league educated peers doing things with their life. Fine. Others are perpetually in school and accumulating wealth. Fine. That's just not me. I am closing in on 26 and have no idea who I am though. And it's time I finally started to define that. It's time to honestly acknowledge my strengths and deficiencies. It's time I figure out what it is I want. The nonchalance that has been my trademark needs to disappear. I want to be fiery. I want to be passionate.

It's time to act on all that bloody potential I have been too scared to mine.

I'm going running.