Witness

Once upon a time, I was a psychology major in college. It's been a blessing and a detriment. The blessing has come largely in my understanding of how people usually work, though processes and such. It also has taught me how things should theoretically be. That has also served to be a detriment, because with my overanalytical mind I constantly wonder what the hell is up with me.

The psychological field has to be one of the most cautious fields there is. The mind is the most important element in our lives for its level of functionality ultimately determines what we do. Making a an assertion about someone's mental state is serious business. Which is why psychologists are nore calculating than CSI in regards to the gathering of information because the smallest bits can color in the blanks of a person's picture. If you look into the DSM-IV, the manual mental health professionals refer to, to have an effective diagnosis for many of the disorders requires months of the same symptoms. Whereas a flu or AIDS can be determined by examination or a blood test, something like bipolar disorder takes months and years to conclusively be determined. You could be depressed for a week but that doesn't mean you need medication. Could just be that your goldfish died.

My question is where do I draw the line on myself. By most accounts, I possess an above-average pool of talent. I enjoy it at times, love using to help others. Sadly its those same others that are often befuddled by my stage in life or the fact that they even encountered me. There must be something else I should be doing, could be doing. And every once in a while, like now, I feel the same way. Sometimes I say it's a time thing and I am still blossoming. Sometimes I say I honestly enjoy where I am right now. And those are both true. But I also wonder why I am even here at this place right now.

Why do I have drafts of blogs that are mere outlines of what I want to espouse to a world that's not even listening? Why is my room in a constant state of disrepair, ranging from thunderstorm to Category 5 hurricane? Why does it take me so long to do the things that need to get done whether it be obtain a driver's license, write an essay, or even do my laundry? Yesterday was an all-star day by all accounts. I saw my good friend Undeniable after an extended absence and had fun helping her with her homework, relearning statistics on the fly. Three's Company got together, got dressed up, and crashed the prom at work where we were the coolest staff. I got to see my boys be real boys and just had a ball. Cherry (literally) on top was a wonderfully kind waitress who hooked me up with extra cherries and extended conversation when we returned with Uno and her man. So why did I wake up this afternoon after 10 hours of sleep with the vision of blue sky to this general malaise? You can understand why my brain circuitry has to come into question.

Am I scared? Am I stressed? I like to tell myself I'm not but maybe I am. I so just want to be. I want to be successful. But I really want to do and to follow through, regardless of whatever. I have such admiration for the people that go out and just do, or even step beyond and do what is unconventional. I'd love to be that.

Maybe my rebaptism into sportsdom is more of a blessing than I originally imagined. Over the past week, the world has been abuzz with talk of LeBron James and his arrival on the most premier of stages. You might scoff at the idea but there are parallels in our lives. He is obviously an amazing talent and has been highlighted and followed from his childhood. He jumped into the most advanced stage of his vocation at a young age and initially did well. But with his early years, you could see the indecision. While sitting on the bench, he has been seen practicing the nervous habit of chewing his nails. Critics have said he doesn't take the big shot and passes too often. And while his numbers were never totally off, he didn't produce the way people hoped he would. During that same period, he endeared himself to many, whether through his play or just sheer charming personality. But he disappointed a bunch, with what some have called distant play at times and underwhelming effort at grand stages like at the 2004 Olympics. Last week though, he put on a performance in which he scored his teams last 25 points and 29 of their last 30 in getting a win on the road in the favorite's arena. The next game was lackluster by his standards, but he was still the linchpin that sent his team to the Finals for their first trip in the franchise's history. Now Nike has plastered the world with ads saying "We Are All Witnesses."

So at a young age, I was highly regarded for my talents, though I just dunked homework and standardized tests. And at a young age, I went to one of the most advanced institutions. And while I was able to show off my promise at points, like being in student government, it has largely gone unrealized. Somehow over time, I've endeared myself to a couple as well either through that talent or something about my personality. But LeBron has given me inspiration. Something clicked for him and he found the moxie to complete his mission. The day he exploded, he showed up at the arena three hours early for practice, taking the time by himself to work himself out.

Now I must figure how I get on the game and explode on the talent I've been resting on for so long. But I'm ready for change. I'm ready for positivity. I'm ready to shake things up.

You gonna be my witness?