Heat

This picture was taken in Monterey, California in January 2006. It was the weekend of my friend's wedding, an event that finally told me that I needed to be an adult soon. It wasn't just the wedding itself. I had gone to weddings before without a familial tie. The sheer independence of the trip itself might have been what made it so real. Here I was all the way in California for one of my real friends' marriages. A former suitemate had gotten married and that was more of a novelty to me. But Principessa Bella had a relationship that paralleled my own with Drizzle. Hers went the distance and they even have a eight-month old son.

Subject to entertain myself with my own devices, I have loads of pictures of myself since I had just received the digital camera. Being completely alone gave me license to be just as silly and vain as I wanted. I played with effects. I tried different poses. And then I had the idea to capture myself smoking.

Smoking was always a peculiar thing for me. I came upon it in an unconventional manner. As a matter of fact, I had engaged in the greenery long before I ever touched a cigarette. And I actually didn't initiate my nicotine indulgence with a conventional cigarette but rather a Black & Mild like the one I'm holding above. I coughed and sputtered but within a week or so, I had finished the pack of five. From then I would take breaks and then go through a pack. Initially it was closer to a month, then the breaks were just two weeks. I think I was nightly about a year after I had taken the first drag. But I loved it.

I might have been in love with the rebellious nature of it all. I really could put it away and not ever think about doing it. Whenever I went home, I never dared do it in front of my parents, so I lasted days without even the thought. Or maybe it was just so routine. And I knew the danger of it all. Sometimes I had the thought that people actually get treated for smoke inhalation and I was the kook who was doing it willfully. That buzz is the draw though, the physical and more so the mental.

To be honest, it just was sexy as all hell. With each spark of the cancer stick, a tiny bit of euphoria dispersed throughout my body. This is not the best picture but I definitely can guess what I was feeling at that moment. Secure as all hell, and able to control everything I put my mind to. I think I finally am learning how to transpose that feeling to my actual life.
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Now playing: Common - Ghetto Heaven (TSOI Remix)