What The Hell Am I Doing?

When I am bold enough, I will write the blog I really want to all about how this summer has been kind of like a poor man's version of the Zach Braff coming of age movie. Part of that whole kick is actually trying to determine some sort of direction in my life. Of course, as I always have, I turn to tests to help me solve the issue. And the wonderful people at Similar Minds gave me this.

Career Inventory Test Results Extroversion 46% Emotional Stability 83% Orderliness 53% Altruism 90% Inquisitiveness 70% You are a Guide, possible professions include - career counselor, psychologist, educational consultant, special education teacher, librarian, artist, playwright, novelist/poet, editor/art director, information-graphics, designer, HRM manager, merchandise planner, environmental lawyer, marketer, job analyst, mental health counselor, dietitian/nutritionist, research, educational consultant, architects, interpreter/translator.

The scary part is that I kind of knew this already but confirmation from some arbitrary distant test that knows nothing about me is somehow comforting. Did I mention I am on vacation in Florida and this is how I chose to spend my time? So the title of the blog has added meaning? I've been avoiding true introspection for so long I might as well embrace any sort of motivated action I might take. Now what do I do with this information. I think I'll sign up for the GRE and flesh out some creative ideas like a TV pilot about a quirky coffeehouse and the novel Socrates has said I should write for some time.

By the way, I am also splitting time obsessing over the anonymous comment someone left on my smoking blog. It's just mean that someone would leave a possibly flirtatious signature (Come on: Eve for Adam) and not even leave a hint as to the identity. Oh its torture. The suppressed narcissist in me wants to explode at the frustration. An ego stroke that doesn't really exist.

In Limbo

I currently am writing from Brooklyn after returning from DC. But Adam, shouldn't you be getting ready for work in Massachusetts. Alas you are right. But that cryptic post of appreciation yesterday came after a breakthrough, or breakdown, moment after I found out that I didn't have enough money in my account to make it back to Mass. Enough for New York though.

And so I begrudgingly called Mom and asked for help. And like a true Mom she said don't even worry about it, as she heard the strain in my voice she assured me that these things happen and that's why she's here. That's true and all but I hated it so much to even need to ask.

This weekend has been so enlightening on a level I couldn't have expected. Whereas I thought I would be gallivanting and just taking a break, the Lord used the time to help me realize some important things. Over the weekend, I lost the treasured necklace my favorite resident at work gave me, whose been discharged for about 2.5 months now. It was some plastic seashell looking thing with a red string going through it. It got me awkward gazes whenever it was in plain view. But I've worn it every day for so long, even when I didn't work, hence why I lost it when the club got too hot and I took off one of my undershirt. I told myself it was a good luck charm, but I know it's not true. Something of a security blanket I guess.

But it's gone now, probably sailing up the Anacostia River on some trash barge. I've been praying for faith and patience in the midst of having an uncertain future. I've also been praying that He uses me for His will and just lets me stay open to whatever that may be. I think it's time I left my current line of work. It's hard to say it even though I was planning on it. Before I think I looked at it as a necessity to go to law school. Now it is a necessity to preserve my sanity, and not because of the boys.

This weekend I realized how much I want life. I've been drifting this whole time. The only goal I've ever had was a happy family. But now I know I want more out of life. And not because my peers are getting jobs or advancing in their endeavors. I just want it for myself. And not fancy cars and amazing financial security, though they'd be nice. I just want to be productive and happy and contributing. This is the first time I've wanted something so big. Usually I want something and it's okay if it doesn't happen. I'm tired though. I want to move on with life so bad. Whether it be in New York or in Washington or wherever He might want to send me.
But I want it so so bad. I couldn't even tell you. I've been repeating it to myself, Mom, and Posh and it never hits home enough. I want it. Bad.

I'll spare you guys now and actually work on getting it.

Yeah...So....

I'm up. Been up for 15 minutes. I have no desire to go back to sleep. I don't have to go to work today.

Is this what they call an opportunity to be productive?