God is so awesome. I just feel it today.
It's been kind of a rough week. When I step back, things are overall great. But I guess there has been an unease all week. Even though I had a wonderful weekend, maybe its events have me thinking of things. Or actually wanting certain things to come true instead of just accepting what comes. And with wanting comes the threat of disappointment. And most definitely worry.
I just found out Northwestern has taken me off the wait list and deposited me amongst the hopeful and not the accepted. It hurts a bit. I was silently hopeful to go to a school with some more name recognition and the chance to be by my cousins would have been awesome. But the cousin thing we can fix by actually being proactive and planning and calling and visiting. And name recognition is nothing if you don't make the best of it. You can hustle that A anywhere.
I was upset. I think I am still slightly discouraged. I want to say fuck it all a little bit and be depressed and wallow in self-pity. But that's the coward's way out and I've been cowardly enough already. God is working in my favor. He does not want to see me fail. So He won't let me. I just need to keep believing. I'm praying He keeps my eyes open and my ears ready for what I should be doing in this life. I know He speaks to me. I know He does. I may sound like a raving lunatic but this is honestly how I feel. I believe in God.
I now get ready for work. The cherubs have actually been uplifting at points this week. Somewhat therapeutic. There's the Lord providing again. Off to shower.
Showing posts with label law school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label law school. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
When Being On Hold Is Okay
it's rae for me to go for 24 hours without even looking at my e-mail, but due to my extended day out yesterday, that is what happened. So after my parents ambled off to church, I thought I would do a quick check before I got ready myself.
As I opened GMail, one of the more recent messages was from Northwestern Law. I thought it was some message reminding me about some element of my application that I overlooked or some fee due. Wrong. "The admissions committee has completed its review of your application." Wait a minute. Y'all doing this stuff by e-0mail now. I was expecting the envelope, thin or large, in the mail. And so soon. I swear that everything just got complete like last week.
We're at a crossroads here. Open up the address where my decision lies and possibly have Jesus stolen away from me on the Sabbath. Know that it's there, leave it, and get ready like I planned. Now this would have been the sensible thing to do. GOd can take care of stuff. The e-mail would still be there. Even if I checked it after church at least church would have been in my system to help me weather any blow. I rose. I sat. I rose. I sat.
Damn impulses had me click the button. But I needed to find my applicant number, which required a search through older e-mail. FInally Last name punched in. First name punched in. Social in. LSAC number in. Applicant ID number in. And the PDF says.....
"On Hold."
Now for some that's an anti-climactic moment. For me, tears of relief and joy. Why? Well friends, my academic career throws up more question marks than affirmations. Truly, the most attractive part of my application is that I scored in the 90th percentile of the LSAT and black people don't do that too often. But of course that does not make the whole case. So considering how crappy my resume may look, Northwestern still said this guy might be worth a shot. ANd in no way am I under the assumption that I will eventually be offered admittance. Wait list is nowhere near sure. But if the #12 school in the country thought I was worth a look, it makes me feel good. And they all could still reject me (Update: When I came home to Massachusetts. William & Mary went the conventional way and sent me one of those thin envelopes) but there is a weird sense of peace around the whole ordeal.
I keep telling myself, and others, that they could all reject me but that I would move on. And I think I honestly believed it. But in the midst of believing there were unattended scraps of worry that I put under the carpet of my soul and they bothered me more than I realized. That would explain the tears. But God has kept me and keeps on keeping me. I've already played Mary Mary (Thank You) and Hezekiah Walker (Faithful Is Our God) at least three times each.
That mustard seed faith is hard at times but when it comes through, it does with a vengeance
As I opened GMail, one of the more recent messages was from Northwestern Law. I thought it was some message reminding me about some element of my application that I overlooked or some fee due. Wrong. "The admissions committee has completed its review of your application." Wait a minute. Y'all doing this stuff by e-0mail now. I was expecting the envelope, thin or large, in the mail. And so soon. I swear that everything just got complete like last week.
We're at a crossroads here. Open up the address where my decision lies and possibly have Jesus stolen away from me on the Sabbath. Know that it's there, leave it, and get ready like I planned. Now this would have been the sensible thing to do. GOd can take care of stuff. The e-mail would still be there. Even if I checked it after church at least church would have been in my system to help me weather any blow. I rose. I sat. I rose. I sat.
Damn impulses had me click the button. But I needed to find my applicant number, which required a search through older e-mail. FInally Last name punched in. First name punched in. Social in. LSAC number in. Applicant ID number in. And the PDF says.....
"On Hold."
Now for some that's an anti-climactic moment. For me, tears of relief and joy. Why? Well friends, my academic career throws up more question marks than affirmations. Truly, the most attractive part of my application is that I scored in the 90th percentile of the LSAT and black people don't do that too often. But of course that does not make the whole case. So considering how crappy my resume may look, Northwestern still said this guy might be worth a shot. ANd in no way am I under the assumption that I will eventually be offered admittance. Wait list is nowhere near sure. But if the #12 school in the country thought I was worth a look, it makes me feel good. And they all could still reject me (Update: When I came home to Massachusetts. William & Mary went the conventional way and sent me one of those thin envelopes) but there is a weird sense of peace around the whole ordeal.
I keep telling myself, and others, that they could all reject me but that I would move on. And I think I honestly believed it. But in the midst of believing there were unattended scraps of worry that I put under the carpet of my soul and they bothered me more than I realized. That would explain the tears. But God has kept me and keeps on keeping me. I've already played Mary Mary (Thank You) and Hezekiah Walker (Faithful Is Our God) at least three times each.
That mustard seed faith is hard at times but when it comes through, it does with a vengeance
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